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Original poster

Can I be forced to use pronouns?

307 replies

nationallampoons · 31/12/2022 14:38

Hi all.

I work in hospitality and my company have recently taken on some new recruits.

One is non-binary and uses they/them pronouns but is considering she/her pronouns. He was born male. He looks male. He had the same uniform as you would expect, neon hair, piercings, multiple badges on his uniform stating his pronouns, he's vegan, free Palestine, f Boris etc.. (I'm not against freeing Palestine or vegans) but you can imagine the type. Everyone's a "facist" etc.. it's draining at times.

Here is my problem, I don't want to use they/them pronouns. It feels unnatural when talking and I struggle with it anyway. I just don't want to do it, I don't care if that makes me rude. I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of being moaned at for misgendering. He just doesn't shut up about it.

Now he's saying he believes he may be a woman and is asking questions about "women hood" and all that bs, I've told him I'm not comfortable talking to him about it and I was called a boomer, a Karen and a gammon?? He is considering changing his pronouns in the new year.

Here is my question. Legally, can I be forced to use his preferred pronouns? Not arsed about losing my job, but I don't want to get into any criminal trouble

I just want to go to work, earn my living and go home. I don't have the time or energy or willingness to go along with this bullshit

OP posts:
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RudsyFarmer · 31/12/2022 15:00

They sound painful. I wonder if you could get into the habit of just using this persons name? Forget the pronouns.

Original poster
nationallampoons · 31/12/2022 14:59

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen we only have one staff toilet and it's shared, we all clean up after each other so no sitting in piss thankfully

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Original poster
nationallampoons · 31/12/2022 14:58

I normally just say his name but I'll be honest, I say him/his a lot and not on purpose. I'm on my feet all day and shattered most of the time so it's hard to remember what to say or call him

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Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 31/12/2022 14:57

So he’s only rude and aggressive to women on staff? That’s interesting, as it means he is able to make a choice about his behaviour, no excuses there.

i suppose he is building up to using the Ladies…..

Original poster
nationallampoons · 31/12/2022 14:56

@UWhatNow I've worked here for years and I've never worked with trans people or non binary so this is a first and a bit of a culture shock

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UWhatNow · 31/12/2022 14:56

Aquasulis · 31/12/2022 14:54

Call them by their name

excuse me what did Sam say? Sam etc needs to do x,

This is what I would do ad nauseum.

Aquasulis · 31/12/2022 14:55

When talking to them use ‘you’

call out their abuse every time

excuse me ‘what did you say to me’
excuse me ‘can you repeat that’
’i find you comment extremely rude disrespectful and upsetting’

keep it simple

Original poster
nationallampoons · 31/12/2022 14:55

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen no he's not really customer facing. More back of house and cleaning tables. He's not rude to customers, he's actually good with them. I can't fault him on his job.

OP posts:
Aquasulis · 31/12/2022 14:54

Call them by their name

excuse me what did Sam say? Sam etc needs to do x,

UWhatNow · 31/12/2022 14:53

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Oh I’m totally in agreement with you @nationallampoons. I’m just saying that some employers see it like that. The civil service relate it to performance pay if you’re not down with the LGBT rainbow. I’m sure the NHS is totally on the yellow brick road. Its fucking depressing that all the grown ups seem to have left the building.

Original poster
nationallampoons · 31/12/2022 14:53

He's young, I get that. I just can't be arsed. It's just constant waffling

We all talk amongst each other as work colleagues do. The usual chit chat you do at work.

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WinterFoxes · 31/12/2022 14:52

Get out a notebook and write down every time he uses an ageist or misogynistic remark against you.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 31/12/2022 14:52

I’m definitely against freeing Vegans. We can’t have them running around waving their lentil burgers and terrifying the guests.

I’m sorry. Let’s start again.

Is this person customer facing? Because I can’t see them making much of a go at it, they sound both boring and aggressive, as well as the usual helping of self obsession. PP are right, if he is insulting you and using threatening behaviour (which of course has made you very frightened ) , get your retaliation in first.

Original poster
nationallampoons · 31/12/2022 14:51

@LaughingPriest he called me a Tory because I said I don't labour. I don't like any of them 🤷🏻‍♀️

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Tukmgru · 31/12/2022 14:50

They sound a bit insufferable, but tbh so do you. They’ve told you their pronouns and you can’t be arsed - not that you disagree, just that you struggle to use the pronouns they/them and can’t be bothered to make the effort.

Honestly, what if we did the same with names? “Hi, my name is Jane”
“No, can’t be bothered, you can only be Dave or Sally”

I’m being a bit facetious on purpose there, but if you start all this with ‘can’t be arsed’ you’re not going to win any allies.

Otherwise, as PP have said, the grey rock thing is pretty sound advice.

atomsgirl · 31/12/2022 14:50

If you don't care about loosing your job, I think this is quite simple.

Use the pronouns him/his, and if called out on it, just shrug your shoulders.

If you don't think you will get lynched, you could explain your position to other people in relation to your concerns.

Original poster
nationallampoons · 31/12/2022 14:50

@Thinkwicebeforeyouleavemylife it's on the straps of his apron. The neck part. We wear names badges, employee of the month badges etc... which make no sense because we're not allowed to wear ear studs in case they get into the drinks/food

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LaughingPriest · 31/12/2022 14:49

If he's actually saying you're a Tory voter it's just weird that he'd go around lying about this sort of stuff. Don't indulge him but do make a note of it all.

PinkyU · 31/12/2022 14:49

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nationallampoons · 31/12/2022 14:48

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MiddleOfTheNightAgain · 31/12/2022 14:48

Do make a complaint about the insults. To HR.

Just say you weren’t prepared to discuss personal issues with him and he insulted you.

Pathetic entitled little prick. Ugh sorry you have to contend with this shit OP.

MelchiorsMistress · 31/12/2022 14:48

I’d put in a complaint about the names he’s Calle Dyaus for a start.

When you speak directly to this person, you will only need to use you/your anyway. He will have no idea how you refer to him when he’s not there. I’d use their name as much as possible.

LaughingPriest · 31/12/2022 14:47

Can you ask your head of dept if you should be using sex-based or gender-based pronouns, and if it's gender-based, how you can find out what yours are?

TBH I'd go out of my way to use their name to avoid pronouns. 'They' is really unnatural so even with the best of intentions people are bound to slip up. But he's clearly desperate for people to give him 'ammo' so have the satisfaction of not doing so.

And yes, make a record of his insults. He sounds unprofessional as fuck, tbh. I can't imagine calling anyone names in my workplace even if they were complete dickheads.

UWhatNow · 31/12/2022 14:47

You can’t be forced op but it certainly does make you look like you don’t subscribe to ‘inclusive values’ or that you’re a troublemaker who doesn’t work well with others. I certainly wouldn’t be putting my head above the parapet in these current times. It’s shit and actually surreal that we have to pander to absolute bollocks like this.

Original poster
nationallampoons · 31/12/2022 14:46

I've already complained to my manager. She's had enough of him too. We've all had enough

He called me a Tory too, I'm not but that's not the point. I have no political allegiance because I simply don't care. Same as his pronouns. I just don't care. I'm tired. I'm fed up, and I'm sick of everyone's bullshit. (I'm peri menopausal)

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