I've changed name for this, because I haven't told this a soul apart from my dp and my daughters dad. My recently just turned teenage daughter (13) came to me last year to say she's trans in a letter (she was almost 12). I freaked out but said nothing for a few days until I felt I could calmly discuss it with her. I'm gonna say I was in the same both as you op in regards to my friend circle, but I dont think ever bought into it any further than #bekind & politely agree since it didn't directly affect me. I feel like such a hypocrite but I just couldn't blindly follow the trend and let my child be the casualty of my fear of being on the "wrong side".
We spent hours discussing her "confession" & I was very cautious not to dismiss her because I was so afraid she would come to resent me. I will admit that before this confession I had noticed she had become withdrawn, not her usual self but I put it down to other changes going on. Her main reasoning was that she simply did not feel like a girl. So I asked her how she was so certain that she doesn't? I asked her what does it mean to feel like a girl? Her answers were filled with typical gender stereotypes, the kind of stuff women have spent centuries trying to shake off, I honestly could not believe she was trying to tell me that there is certain way to be a woman and and a certain way to be a boy. So we had a chat about how I don't feel like a woman, I just feel like me. I asked her how she could be certain she feels like a boy when there is no way she could know how a boy feels, there is nothing to compare her feelings to, she was simply her and not liking certain things other girls like does not then by default mean she's a boy.
Here's what's really shocking thing though, around a year (daughter was 11) before this confession we were watching tiktoks together and were on basically the LGBTQ subculture part of tiktok, just hoping through videos etc. My daughter had become very interested in the LGB+ movement since she had told me on her 11th bday that she liked girls, so I obviously supported her she got a pride flag, some pins she asked for, and just told her it didn't matter to me. Anyway while hoping tiktoks we came across a trans video and she asked me what trans was so I explained as best I could. Messing, I had asked "have you ever felt like your a boy in girls body?" and she looked at me a little disgusted and said no, so I quickly told her there's nothing wrong with being trans and she really shouldn't pull faces, some people just feel the way they feel & their not hurting anyone. So the confession a year later literally floored me as I always thought trans people knew they were trans (even if they didn't know the name for it) from very early ages. So the fact I had asked her and had gotten such a negative response made it all the more strange that only a year later she apparently does.
I'll be berated for this (breaching privacy) but I started going through her tiktok, and I couldn't believe how bombarded her feed was with trans tiktok same with her YouTube, I started watching some videos and they made being trans seem like the most interesting/coolest thing in the world. Trans women were repackaging what it meant to be a woman with emphasis on some pretty fucking stereotypical bs. The transmen videos showed off their scars and talked about how freeing and easier life was as a man. There was also this underlying victim hood energy mixed with vitue, that I'm sure as a teenager I would of been in awe of. With how tiktok algorithm works my daughter prob became curious after our talk about trans people and looked up some video before falling down the rabbit of "related content". I fucked up because I wasn't monitoring her content, and honestly even if I was I don't think I'd of told her to stop supporting trans content makers because you know #bekind I would of just seen it as her learning about a group of marginalised people.
So I decided to re-approach the topic by informing her of gender reasignment surgery, medications, not to embrace it but to bring about some truths that were missing in these videos. I had to remind her that people don't record the bad stuff, SM is only the polished side of people and their journeys & letting her read/watch detransitioning stories. Talking to her about how submerging herself in the culture is a kin to brainwashing, since as child she would be more impressionable etc. I told her she needed to come up for air. So I took away her main devices (I know this seems like a punishment but I genuinely felt that she needed a step back). This all happened at the end of summer that year and I made a deal with her that I would take the devices and we would see how she feels by Xmas. She wasn't overly happy, but she's not the sort to throw strops or act out. At first she started to double down and leaving some notes where I would find them on how she won't stop feeling this way, but after a couple of weeks her whole personality began to change she became way more happy, joined in more enthusiastically with family stuff, hung out with her friends more, started becoming interested in new things... by Xmas, like agreed, we talked about it again and she had done a total 180°, now it's not even an issue, her time online is now monitored and she now only spends time on tiktok watching "booktoks", the past year she's become more of a typical tween (now teen) girl, she's never been overly girly/neither am I, but she started asking for make up and handbags, she got e-girl penny piece hair and loves "academia aesthetic" so lives in pleat skirts and knit sweater vests. Honestly I can't believe this girl ever thought she was trans, she's become extremely feminist in her views also which I think is common for her age, talks about gender discrepancies (mostly how boys get away with more stupid behavior in school than girls) and single sex spaces and came home the other day livid because her history teacher (a man) had told the class women didn't work out side the home until after the 1920s, and basically said they had men to thank for that, he even ask all the girls in class what they want to be when they grow up and told each of them one by one that it wouldn't have been possible (think doctors/lawyers etc) so my daughter came home and wrote a 3 page list of jobs women had prior to 1920, making sure to include each job that her class mates had mentioned and gave a date that "the first women in that position" occurred (all were before 1920 ) along with numerous other common female jobs like maids, seamtresses and such that date back century's , she mentioned her own great grandmother owning her own textile company prior to 1920... he had also talked about roman baths and asked what the modern day equivalent of roman baths are for woman - his answer was a Spa and talked about how all women love a spa day 🙄 she told him that was a sexist stereotype & it's like saying all men golf. Her school is progressive and although some might see her behavior as a bit much, they are encourage to debate. Her teacher was actually pretty happy to concede on both fronts and I even recieved a positive note on her online dashboard for class participation afterwards.
I brought up the trans thing again recently, it's been over a year now, and she honestly called it "cringe" and doesn't know why she felt so strongly about it but she's said she doesn't feel that way now. We are very close and I was terrified I was going to ruin our relationship by not supporting her in the way I've seen other mums support their very young trans kids. I was wholly ready to jump right in her corner last Xmas if she had told me she still felt that way and I would of spent the rest of my life berating myself as a horrible parent if I was wrong. But I'm so glad I went with my gut. She is an amazing, beautiful, intelligent, funny, brave girl, I only ever want her to see her worth and I'm so horrified she ever thought she needed to be a man to be respected.