Guardian: Ask Phillipa Husband wants to be a woman.

I think it is hard not to wonder when it is sexually motivated.
When you see Richard do something daft and Judy rolls her eyes, you don’t feel uncomfortable about it.
I think we imagine that sexuality is something private and shared between couples, so when a man is open about having additional avenues outside the relationship, it looks like the woman is compromising too much.
It’s like in Louie Theroux when one member of a couple is polyamorous while the other is faithfully monogamous. It’s unbalanced and hard to imagine they’d be happy about it. They look like a mug and it’s hard not to pity.

Good answer.

Her husband has an all consuming hobby she has no interest in and finds faintly ridiculous.

Having posted that I'm now remembering the trans widows stories I've read that describe husbands copying their wives' look and mannerisms. And I did think at that point of the hairstyles in the GP and PP partnership.

Here’s the most recent one with comments turned off. Not controversial but possibly one that won’t benefit from multiple opinions (it’s about mother loss and long term grieving)

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/sep/11/ask-philippa-dilemma-my-mother-died-25-years-ago-and-i-am-still-not-over-it

So perhaps comments on today’s were turned off to save the letter writer from multiple ‘put your ‘wife’ first, bigot!’ comments, rather than to protect the Guardian/Philippa?

I agree with others, it was a good reply, and the sort of thing you might see on the MN relationship board, essentially ‘OK, park what he wants over there, what do YOU want?’ (although obvs there would be many LTBs too!)

I guess that's what the answer is saying though - that what your husband chooses to do with his body and his appearance is not about you and doesn't reflect on you, so before focusing on that, have a think about what you actually need and want in life?

I don't think life is always that simple. But certainly as a feminist I believe women shouldn't be judged or put in categories for what their male associates do. It is really common for that to happen though.

I remember that documentary! I wonder if you could watch it with a VPN?

I had a flick through the most recent ones. They usually get over 300 comments, so it’s quite a big decision to publish something that the regular commenters can’t engage with.

However, I did find another one from a few weeks back that had no comments. I’ll go find it…

Very striking that in a column where btl comments are usually encouraged, there's nothing. Hmmm I wonder why...?

I feel bad for her though. I think it is humiliating to have a husband being so public with his sexual fetish. I remember seeing him claiming the Turner Prize - looking ridiculous, while she seemed so supportive. It made me feel really weird and uncomfortable at the time, it made her look a bit of a mug and I didn’t like it.

Even though I really like Grayson Perry - he is so thoughtful and insightful and I love his art, I resent it that he has played a major role in normalising men indulging their sexual fetishes in public.

It’s the slippery slope to ‘whole self to work’ rubberwank man at the NSPCC being shocked and surprised that anyone would think he was doing anything wrong.

Actually, I remember always feeling uncomfortable about EI being a transvestite too - I thought it was a gimmick to make his act stand out, so I squashed that discomfort down, but it made me uneasy. Why the need to share it with your audience?

<desperately tries not to discuss a man on a thread about two women>

<fails>

I like that GP is honest about his motivations

I don't like that he takes his fetish out in public and to places where he's in a position of authority, like St Martins. Although I'm not sure he still does this.

Greyson Perry did a documentary on Channel 4 in the 2000s where he discussed being a transvestite and how humans can't change sex, no matter how much they want too. He even gets a transwoman to admit this.......

The programme is now "forbidden " you can only view it in Europe.

Bonkers eh?

Greyson admits the fetishism aspect for him. These men exist and as long as they don't trample on women's rights and spaces, then live and let live. That's what I think anyway.....*ducks to avoid incoming anger

I like him. I like Phillipa and her advice is spot on.

I think this is a good response, I do like Phillipa.

it's worth bearing in mind that Grayson Perry is her husband

I suspect that both of them have some pretty disordered views around sex and gender, Grayson in particular. however, that does not stop her being a humane, caring person, and I think that shows in this answer

Great answer, I'll have to look out for her in the future.

The first paragraph seemed a bit shoehorned in but I thought the rest of the response was brilliantly written.

this is interesting

do you think the letter or the reply was brutal?

I thought the answer was humane and constructive, without getting caught up in the politics that surrounds all this.

I'd have liked to see her sign post to transwidows voices though. it would be good for this woman to have a clear idea of what the future may hold for her if she stays

I thought that was a really good answer. In fact it is a good answer for other things. Women are too often encouraged to forget our own needs, our own thoughts and feelings, and focus on others; to disconnect from who we are and seek permission, giving away our personal power.

We need to observe what we feel, think and experience first and foremost, instead of rushing to make everything about others.

PP was very delicate and skilful in saying LTB

That was a beautifully compassionate answer from Philippa. Truly, women really do deserve to put ourselves first at times, not accept being shoved aside for others.

Thank you, I'll read it. I find it quite an upsetting subject, especially when the thing-we-can't-say-here is ignored in plain sight and women are given tips on how to manage their own bigotry and their husband's new needs. I genuinely find it distressing.

Such a good answer, quite moving really. Clever woman to get to the heart of it without falling into any 'traps'.
Grayson Perry was in guardian q and a years ago (maybe 10-12 years?) and touched on the transgender issue by saying that gender identity, like all identity is co constructed and you can't just 'assert' you are something and expect that's how people see you. That's central to a lot of this- expecting to be able to control how other people see you and think of you.

Yes, I think it is a good answer from that perspective. The reality is it doesn't really matter much whether its booze, drugs, an alter ego or an expensive, mysterious and time consuming hobby. Some will be more devastating than others, of course, and some will be seen as more acceptable, but they are all really about one person prioritising their needs and wants over everyone else in the household's.

Surprised by what a good answer it was. She was quite right to encourage this poor woman to focus on herself and what she actually wants out of life. Her marriage sounds absolutely wretched

Great answer. I loved the final point, about identity. Really got to heart of it.

Blimey that was brutal, can't believe they published such a letter.

I think it's a great answer.Neatly sidesteps the trans issue, and encourages the woman to consider herself.