Is there any sensible advice on how to parent tomboys in the current climate?

We've fortunately got past this to some extent now, but from the ages of 10-15 my DD was frequently mistaken for a boy. Short hair, masculine clothes, no makeup, tall and flat chested. She thought it was hilarious. She never played with dolls or any traditionally girly toys (actually got really angry when someone gave her a doll as a present when she was about 4) and has always forged her own path.

My MIL had just retired as a CAMHS nurse dealing with teens and when DD was about 11, had taken me to one side, very concerned, and made some pointed comments about the girls they were seeing in clinic (she said there had been a clear shift - when she first started working they had seen patients who had the desire to be the opposite sex, but it was always men, never girls, and it was incredibly rare. Then there was an explosion of teen girls, nearly all autistic, presenting with the unshakeable belief that all their problems with making friends and socialising would be somehow magically fixed if they changed sex. She said one key thing they all had in common was unsupervised access to the internet. When they could persuade parents to take the internet away, the girls very frequently desisted. They didn't become girly, but they did stop asking to become boys. When they couldn't persuade parents to restrict the internet, the problems got worse).

We didn't allow a phone or a laptop until she was 15. She wasn't and isn't allowed to sit in her room on her own talking to people online we don't know - we focussed on hobbies, health, interests. It was a lot of hands on parenting work - horse riding, endless walks to the park to go bird spotting, visits to museums and galleries to fill the weekends and give her things to think about. And constant gentle reinforcement of the idea that female only means female body and everything else is up to you.

I noticed a thread on the hell hole of twitter yesterday, by a man, talking about the lack of women in gaming, then called us "non-men". He also used the word "man", no trouble at all with that! He genuinely couldn't see the issue with how offensive that was then called all the women objecting terfs and had a blocking spree.

THAT is offensive. When you don't use the word woman to describe the female sex class but instead call us people with a cervix, bleeders, vagina havers - THAT is reducing us to our genitals, THAT is offensive. Woman is not.

Having to consistently alter your language at a moments notice to someone else's ever changing personality gives that someone a sense of power that should not be wielded; the power to be the most centered and the most important person in the room. The power to demand constant validation and affirmation through compelling others language, and the underlying threat of fallout and attack should you not comply.

Growing up is a hormonal minefield as it is. If you're outside the norm, not very popular etc, this idea that you can change how you identify and that makes you cool and interesting, and gives you that power I mentioned above. That is going to be very very appealing. I was that teenager, awkward, with feminine and masculine interests. I was desperate to be liked. If I thought non binary would do it, I'd be on it like a shot.

But we're all non binary. It wouldn't mean I was different and therefore special. I needed to find my place in the world, not demand the world adjusted itself to me.

Anyway, (after that essay!) DD is 4 so I'm hoping this issue will be in the long grass by the time she hits her teens. But I would be limiting and keeping a strict eye on social media, having chats about the reality of sex, peer pressure, and about how she does not have to limit herself because her sex is female; there is no right way to be female, and having stereotypically masculine interests does not mean she has to call herself a boy. I would encourage her to push the boundaries of what it is to be a girl/woman, not regress into a box labelled boy/man. And that of course, you cannot change your sex.

I could have written your post a couple of years ago. My daughter was a tomboy with short hair and mainly male friends, and had been 'questioned' about her gender on a few occasions.... and sure enough, some time around the end of primary school we got a call from her school saying that she wanted to identify as a boy.
We spoke to the school (clueless and well-meaning - I think I was pretty successful in diverting them from mermaids to transgender trend)... but once she got to secondary school it was clear that they were well and truly stone-walled, and there were lots of (clearly traumatised, post-pandemic) young teens 'coming out' as trans or non-binary and being cheered on by the school, and I'm not sure they were so receptive to my concerns...
In terms of what I said to her about it - I think not that much tbh... she knew that I thought the whole thing was a bit silly and that I wasn't going to refer to her as 'he', but if she could persuade her friends to do so, then that was not really any of my business - though I might roll my eyes if I witnessed it. I continued to allow her to dress as she pleased (I'd been buying her boys' boxers for years without batting an eyelid because she found them comfier), to encourage her to explore a range of interests and 'be whoever she wanted to be' within the confines of reality.
It passed. I know it doesn't for everyone, but I think for many it is just the latest trend - a style to try on until you move onto something else. She's nearly 14 now and a couple of months ago I mentioned it one evening (the first time for ages that it had come up), and she quickly assured me that she had seen sense... she actually commented that her and her best friend had been bemoaning the fact that their parents were such intolerant bigots (they'd probably overheard some of our terfy conversations) when one of them had wondered aloud whether we might have a point... and the scales fell from their eyes.

Watching with interest as I have a DD like the OP.

I actually find the label 'tomboy' handy in circumstances where people who don't know her and are trying to work out if she's a girl/boy/trans. Tomboy states 'she is a girl who does not conform to gender stereotypes'. Whilst I'd prefer society to be without regressive stereotypes of what a girl and boy is, I prefer this label to defend who she is otherwise there is a void which I'm afraid will be filled with 'born in the wrong body' shyte.

No child is born into the wrong body. Yet, we do continue to see this popping up constantly still.

If your child does turn out to be a boy

Children don’t ‘turn out’ to be a boy or a girl. It’s not the same as turning out to be a teacher or a doctor, ffs!

How is it possible to live in a world where such nonsense is parroted with a straight face? It makes me so angry, that and the awful old-fashioned stereotyping of males and females that has come with this supposedly oh so progressive form of activism.

This is what I want to say to today’s young people: Wear what you want. Love who you want. Have the hobbies you want; do the sports you want; have the career you want. Have the name you want. All this you can have and do and be no matter what genitals you have. Don’t subscribe to the old sexist stereotypes that there are ‘boy modes’ and ‘girl modes’ (with no thanks at all to Eddie Izzard for coining those phrases).

And yet, it is in my area of the UK.

And don't forget that the children themselves are talking about it. Rather constantly in some groups.

I totally get this concern and I think your worry is justified. Although it's not just "tom boys" but girls who then find themselves unable/unwilling to do things because that's "for boys".

We just keep banging on and on and on, whenever it comes up, that girls and boys can do, wear, be, think etc in any way they like. What defines them as boy/girl is the biological reality of their bodies, but everything else is up for grabs.

It is a social contagion so parents are right to be concerned. The girls in our school all gang out together in small groups. There is no way that is statistically possible. Girls are over represented and I'm mad at schools for allowing it.
Good short film on the topic. The Call is Coming From Inside the House

I think we could/should write a short MN Guide To Parenting 'Tomboys' for the MN parenting section.

Isn't it crazy we have to worry about this! My 12 yo DD has very long hair but is keen to get a very short cut which is fine by me but I worry others around her will start trying to project an idea on her that she might be trans. One of her best friends has started using opposite sex pronouns and changed her name to a boy sounding name. We've been talking about whether her friend might be gay but feels trans is more acceptable and how DD can support her to feel good about herself as she is. I feel we are in a good place where she can think critically but I still fear that external pressure.

I think you are right to be concerned. My daughter had her hair cut short and wore trousers for year 7. She got asked if she was trans. There are some 15 girls in her year who are trans or non binary.

We have always talked about the struggles of women as we came from domestic abuse. When you talk about women's rights it is so obvious how sexist it all is.

My advice would be to drip feed her stuff about biological reality. Girls in Afghanistan can no longer get an education after age of 11, but they can't say they are boys to get an education.

Women and girls are abused because they are female. I always call out sexist sterotypes. My daughter used to want to be a pilot and the boys would say she couldn't because she was a girl so we discussed it and found a way to shut them down by asking them 'why do I need a penis to pilot a plane?'. She loved that response and it soon shut them up.

Also be frank and honest about puberty. My daughter (awaiting autism assessment) can now tell me that she hated the thought of puberty because it meant she was growing up and she didn't want to grow up. She didn't cope at all when she got her first period. She also told me she hated her breasts and twice tied a belt around them to try and get rid of them. This wasn't about wanting to be a boy just not wanting to grow up. Yet if she and I had been that way inclined she could have come out as trans.

My diagnosed autistic daughter took it all in her stride which was a surprise. I showed her my period pad as my blood is quite dark and old so she knew what to expect. Hers is this colour too so that helped as she might have thought it was poo.

A really good body positive book that is good to dip into is this one attached The Girl Guide.

My girls are both gender critical and we watch a motif stuff together that is GC. We also watch a lot of gender woo and engage our critical thinking to dismiss it. My eldest daughter is really well read in the subject. She is 14 and I keep buying all the books but never get round to reading them but she does and is a fantastic girl to chat with.

Mine is only 9 but one thing we've always done is to shoe her female role models for her interests. Dinosaurs... Mary Anning. Army... she knows her Dads last two bosses have been women (both Brigadiers). Football.. Lionesses! She loves the suffragettes.

She knows some things are harder for girls but they can do them.

She gets very angry at boys being the default. (I saw there had been some fuss about a shop changing g 'two man delivery' to 'two person delivery'... she would agree with that as women can do it too for example).

It's weird, almost like every teen anywhere since time began they are saying it just to fit in

So in this instance the child would have always been a boy but only realised recently.

@mythro This is complete nonsense. You are insane.

Psychologically it is indisputably the case that a non-trivial proportion of males have a feminine temperament

Could we please see a link that shows this please?

And a link that shows what falls into a 'feminine' temperament, please. And who has decided on these temperaments and were these temperament decided in an era when females were being constantly told they had to behave in certain ways to be acceptable as females? Or were these temperaments noted in females who had had no socialisation at all?

I am absolutely fascinated by this. My daughter was a total tomboy, short hair, boys clothes, nothing but football, no female friends. Somehow the trans thing has passed by her school and friends with none of them identifying with non binary or trans which I think is quite unusual, and as she has got older her friends and many of her interests remain mainly stereotypically male, at times she has felt like the odd one out but at 6th form age she has long hair, crop tops, lots of piercings, a love of fashion and has just started wearing make up and nail polish. Thank god she has always known she's a girl just one who liked different things. We always told her that didn't make her a boy and she says to me now, that she is so pleased we never put the idea into her head as when she was 7-12 she would totally have run with it.

I've also told my DD that self discovery is a lifetime process. You don't need to make any absolute decisions about yourself. Labels are only good if they're helpful and flexible.
You may have strong feelings about your sexuality, your gender expression, you may not. Be aware that they can change - that's not to invalidate how you feel now, but give yourself room to change.
I'm fairly gender conforming in appearance now, but haven't always been so. I showed DD a picture of me aged about 10. Short hair, androgynous clothing - I did look like a boy. That was how I was comfortable then. This is me now.

See, this is what terrifies me. If it was just a label they slapped on themselves, or it was something like being a goth when I was a teen, I'd just smile and nod along. But it ends in mutilation and it's so frightening

Psychologically it is indisputably the case that a non-trivial proportion of males have a feminine temperament (which essentially means that they experience higher levels of negative emotions such as anxiety and the analogs of pain – grief, frustration, disappointment, depression) and are more agreeable (compassionate/polite) than typical males, and equally true that a non-trivial proportion of females have a more masculine temperament. But this does not change how, objectively, professionals and other people should measure a person’s gender. The fact is that when a kid is going through puberty a lot of hormones are racing around and everything is mixed up. Kids go through anxiety about their bodies and someone comes up with the magic solution that they are in the ‘wrong body’ whereas since Eve girls have wished their bodies away. I read Jane Fonda’s biography. She hated her body so what hope is there for us? The reason was far more complex and to do with her father not because she was in the wrong body. In the 1950s psychologist reckon everyone had to have part of their brain removed. Now it is their breasts and privates. We sure don’t learn lessons

@Helleofabore I do, it's not talked about

Following with interest. I'm hoping to navigate it through keeping lines of communication hopefully open, talking at home about how noone needs to be sticking labels on themselves, just be yourself. She's very into rugby and I'm hoping the women's rugby will be a good role model - women of all shapes and sizes and orientation there, all playing for the women's team. Can't get a better counter stereotype than that.

I have to admit it worries me though - it's hard enough being a teen and having to navigate everything that does with it without the additional worry being put in your head that somehow you're in the wrong body....

In DDs close friendship group of 5, 3 claim to be non binary/possibly the opposite sex.

In my teen's group, there are 5 out of the 7.

And this is also from mythro

trans issues are barely talked about in school now.

Do you live in the UK with a school aged child? Where is this place where neither children nor teacher or outside resources talk about trans issues?

And yes ... a very happy ex tomboy here too