How to square the circle of my trans sceptism and my trans friend?

What 'extreme' or 'transphobic' views do you see here?

A few things for you to consider...

How would you feel if your friend read your post (the dressing like a tart phase)?

Why do you think the vast majority of transwomen are any different to your friend - doing their best to quietly go about their life.

I would think your friend would lead you to understand what trans people go through, rather than needing to square a circle.

If you can’t help what was the point of posting, beyond just making a horrible dig at the OP?

Can't help you I'm afraid. I would never continue a friendship with a man who thinks womanhood is a pervy costume or a set of stereotypes and I certainly wouldn't support one who pursued his perversions to the extent of having a "fallout" with his wife and children.

Maybe you're not quite the feminist you think you are?

I absolutely support trans people on an individual basis but find the changes at a societal level (ie trans women in sport, changed to language etc) to be the problem

I think it’s also worth remembering that sometimes MN and Twitter operate in an echo chamber which isn’t representative of the real world. I’m very GC but do find that some of the views here are extreme and transphobic

If they dont use womens toilets when out and about, do they use the mens? Genuine question - do they find it difficult or has it been fine? What about changing rooms in shops or if they wanted to take part in sports/swimming?

(pressed send too soon) though I certainly don't share my thoughts with them, knowing them does nothing but confirm my fears about the harm that TRA lobbying causes.

All the trans identifying people I know apart from one mainly just get on with life and use the toilet appropriate to their sex. The one who doesn't fell out with me over literally nothing, so I don't feel I have to square anything. They all live up to the stereotypes of trans people that are the reasons gender identity theory concerns me, and

Your friend keeps out of women's spaces and goes about their own business. Absolutely fine.
I'd probably not discuss the issues with them

Of course. It is the, on the spectrum, TRAs who are poisoning the well.

I have friends with very different beliefs and politics to me, what matters is whether I feel they are basically a decent person.

A friend insisting I had to have the same beliefs would be an ex-friend (even if I did have the same beliefs, coercing others is not on, discussing and explaining why they had that belief would be fine). If they were harassing others they would also be an ex-friend, as would a thief. And definitely someone forcing me (or anyone else) to participate in their sexual fetish or scaring me.

It is totally up to you what boundaries you put in place.

it wasn't the exW who called SS but her family. Until her family, who are very right wing Christian type of people

Are you in the UK or the US, OP? I know right wing Christian has become a trope but it's potentially more indicative of parts of the US than the UK. E.g., the Anglican church has what, in the UK context, would be described as liberationist, left-wing policies: Christians Against Poverty are likewise.

Even in the US, there are metropolitan cities where the major Christian faiths are influenced by the Central/South American liberation philosophies. Cities like New York, iirc, 1 in 4 Christians there are African by heritage and that influences their politics.

She doesn't use womens toilets, or changing rooms, and just discretely goes about her business.

Good..

In terms of friendship - trans or not, how I felt about them would be hugely dependent on how they treated their ex and children (and honestly, the fact that SS were called and his ex’s family, who presumably know a lot more than you do were so concerned, does ring alarm bells for me).

I wouldn’t be participating in any male friends fetish, in terms of allowing them to show off their boob job, just like I wouldn’t allow a male friend to show me the results of a penis enlargement op.

Your trans friend uses the facilities appropriate for their sex. That's pretty much all I'm asking people like your friend to do. Respect my right to have facilities without the opposite sex in them. Your friend demonstrates just how easy it actually is, to be respectful of the rights of others whilst taking their own route through life.
I don't hate individual trans people as a rule, but I do hold utter contempt for some notable exceptions. I hate gender ideology, the authoritarian attempt to seize control of everyone else's life by trans rights / mens rights activists, and the capitulation by many many organisations who fucking knew better than to fold, but did and left women and children in the swamp.

Like others have said, your friend is not encroaching on your boundaries so nothing to square. People are "funny cups of tea" as my mum would say. Friends see the humanity in each other for the most part regardless of presentation.

Your friend is fine. What's not fine is policy dictating that anyone who says so is a woman and gets full access to women's spaces and opportunities. What's not fine is policing and erasing language around women to cater to men. Etc. Your friend could maybe choose to take a stand against these things.

I hope the ex-wife and children are OK and were well supported through your friend's transition and that your friend and your friend's supporters treated them well.

She doesn't use womens toilets, or changing rooms, and just discretely goes about her business.

Your friend sounds lovely and respectful of women. That takes some independence of mind if she's had any association with the modern trans movement.

I hope she was also respectful of her ex wife and children during the transition phase. That would be important to me in maintaining liking for someone.

I have plenty of friends I don't agree with on some big subjects. It's not even that clear if your friend's beliefs differ - does she believe she is a woman, or someone dealing with gender dysphoria as best they can?

In all groups, you can find extremists making life more difficult for the ordinary folk, the last thing people should do is tar them all together.

Exactly this, I know several trans people who just get on with their lives. I think they are very badly service by the TRAs.

If you had a Christian friend you could be their friend without believing in the virgin birth and the resurrection yourself. No issue here.

Yes, absolutely this!

There are quite a few fantastic trans women who I follow on Twitter and they're huge champions of women, and understand that they aren't a woman. It would be so easy for them to slip into the TRA camp, it takes a lot for them to stand up to their own community and say "no, you're wrong". I think their voices are so important to add to ours, and I'm grateful for their support of the GC viewpoint.

These lovely trans women are also very protective of their "trans" identity because they feel it defines them, and their life journey. They don't want to be referred to as a "woman", they're insistent that they are a trans woman - emphasis on the "trans". Just like they can't ever truly understand what it is to be a biological woman, I can't ever truly understand what it is to be a trans woman. And both of those things are OK - we can still be allies and support each other wholeheartedly, celebrating our different paths to where we are in life now.

I don't care how someone wants to live their life, identify and dress. That's never been what being GC has been about. It's about erosion of our identity, our voices and our safety. And of course, our rights. GC trans women are an important ally in our battle.