If your child has come out as trans what are you doing?

I don't think anyone here is a transphobe.
But I am used to people assuming that's what I am and being told to piss off :)

What I am struggling with is why parental support necessarily equals placating very dangerous views about bodies and identities.
Or deferring surgery until 18 and no longer able to influence.

Rather than therapy and gentle counselling towards acceptance of themselves as they are. 10 year old children shouldn't have to worry about whether they are really a girl because they have short hair / like football. Ok I am not a parent but I have nieces and nephews and I know at least one is going to go down this route.

Suzi as its been pointed out there is a parenting section and a LGBTQ parent sections which I for one do not visit as to me they are forums for support not robust discussion.

If you need support then surely those boards would be the better option?

This probably isn’t the best board for this thread.

@CrossStichQueen what?! I said piss off calling me an uncaring parent. Read the posts.

I did however say 'just go away'. This is a thread for parents of trans kids, and it's been hijacked by transphobes like every other post here. It's just really frustrating. I'd love to talk to other parents of trans kids, but it just gets filled with all the intolerant nonsense from people who have never experienced it.

Suzi Why are you policing the feminisim board?

It doesnt matter if you are a feminist you cannot tell other women to piss off the feminisim board.

Why are you surprised that on the feminist board women will disagree with encouraging female children to practise breast binding or or elective double mastectomy of healthy breasts?

Yep. It runs down both my mum's side and my dad's, and my eldest's dad's side too... It's like super concentrated. And yes, there is a massive overlapping of gender incongruence and atypical neuropsychology. But for the sake of anyone who would like to use this as a stick to beat us with, I'm 40, it never went away, and what I've done has been a literal and actual weight off my mind. My body, my choice, had to borrow money to go private but my family have been more than wonderful about helping me, here.

It's super insulting when those not supportive of people like me, choose to show their dislike with words and actions which are deliberately inflammatory, deliberately vile, and dismissive. It's no trend for me. It's very doubtful to be a trend for my child. I'm still letting him work his way through this with my support, though. For him, there isn't this mad rush for everything which others experience.

But that's because we are all different. He would love to have had puberty blockers. He would love to have access to testosterone. But it's super hard to get those things at the right times, and we are struggling enough making sure he gets the support he needs in school. Alongside three people's worth of constant medical appointments and life admin and I'm a volunteer who has only just completed my qualification in my organisation. It's already a lot to cope with when collectively as a family we have one bean's worth of executive functioning.

We are very much 'keep our heads down and our business to ourselves' queer people, who just want to get through the challenges we are facing and come out the other side without any hatred or unkindness. I don't go about being obvious about my gender identity. I had a long list of medical reasons for doing exactly what I've done, without bringing my gender identity into it, too. But none of the kids I volunteer with have asked anything about it or mentioned anything, other than to have asked how I was feeling now. They're all wonderful. If any did ask, I have a few stock phrases to gently shut down any probing, because I also don't want to describe to them the medical issues either - really unpleasant and they don't need to know.

The reason any of us or our allies get on their soapboxes is because we have human rights too. There is a lot to talk about sort through, but unfortunately it's all a blanket no on one side, because that side of things is the loudest, and the other side is aware that if it doesn't try and make some noise, then we will repeatedly come to harm ourselves. It's understandable that some get to the 'milkshake at MPs' level of activism - it happens in every area we have a need to protest and rally round for. It would be great if that didn't have to be a thing.

I do wish that noone felt the way I have, and friends of mine have, about the bodies they're born into. It's not something to take lightly, it's not something anyone should wish for, or want to become a part of. I haven't met a single trans or gender queer person who hasn't wished they were ok in their own skin. Not because we feel it's bad or wrong to be trans - but because we shouldn't have to go through any of this to feel happy and comfortable and so on.

I'm not even joking when I say that I've often through my life just wondered how different human life would be if each of us was born exactly the same, biologically, and were hermaphroditic - with absolutely no need or ability to procreate with others. Only singly. Imagine that - my question is then, would any humans experience incongruence with being hermaphroditic - if every single human was identically made.

The best way for me to put it is we support our daughter as a person without affirming her gender identity as a boy. The further away she is from gender ideology (online, former peer group, former school) the better her mental health is.

And DD's friend redefined themselves as gay - and changed their partners every two months anyway - my DD got fed up with the dishonesty of it and cut off contact with them, and was much happier for it.

Mine didn't come out as trans but one of her friends did (and later redefined themself as gay).

We had some dreadful arguments at the time but I saw that as teenage rebellion actually. If it hadn't been that it would have been something else.

I informed myself as others have said.

Out of my mouth came the words 'well that is fine how you describe yourself as long as you are safe...and legally you are not allowed to have sex until you are sixteen).

That was IT. The person who had defined themselves as trans behaved appallingly to DD - and really wasn't honest about anything.

a year later and we don't argue about it anymore.

I see you have the Yorkshire common sense. Well said.

I am a feminist...

I'm a feminist tired of reading so much shit aimed at trans kids and their parents. Surely if you haven't experienced it you should at least butt out of this one single thread. There are thousands out there talking about your intolerance for it, go join one of those.

Oh and childhood letters and pictures etc, doesn't bother me at all. The old name doesn't suit him at all so it makes no sense. Plus, a lot of people have nicknames etc and nobody gets upset about those 🤷🏻‍♀️
And pictures are just pictures of my kid.. He was my kid, and still is. Though I raised my kids to think they could wear and do whatever they like, so he never looked overly feminine anyway.

With respect, this is the feminist board. There is a board for parents of LGBT children.

I'm not the boss of the board, it's fine to discuss whatever on here, but it's definitely not fine to tell other women to 'piss off' for having a different opinion. If you want to discuss raising children issues without feminists chipping in, maybe look for the other board.

It was weird at first. But years down the line if someone describes him by his previous pronouns it sounds completely wrong to me. For eg I have a younger girl as well, so if someone says "how are the girls" my reaction is always eh, What girls?! 😂 Before I remember.

It's a complete non issue. Even my dad who is an old school transphobe, actually he's an everythingphobe.. But anyway, even he has come around and will begrudgingly say 'it takes all sorts". Which is as accepting as he's capable of being 😆

🙄 Totally feasible.

From the point of view of a sibling, I just ignore it. I'm not going to call my sister my brother, that would be ridiculous. I assume they will 'grow out of it/bored' at some point anyhow.
It's my role to be a beacon of sanity in a crazy world

@Talipesmum - thanks

10 (nb for clarity I have her "permission" to continue touse she/her)

Could I ask those who are how it actually works to have to start referring to your daughter as "my son" and vice versa?

I found it easier to refer to them in the new name/pronouns when talking about them, so like with DH, and eventually it did became me the norm in the house.

How do you feel when you look at childhood pictures, or letters/cards sent from them with the name you chose for them?

Heartbroken. Just completely heart broken.

I'm not a parent. Could I ask those who are how it actually works to have to start referring to your daughter as "my son" and vice versa? How do you feel when you look at childhood pictures, or letters/cards sent from them with the name you chose for them?

Definitely not being goady; I'm genuinely intrigued as I'm very literal-minded (struggle with riddles/cryptic crosswords etc), also crap at acting and lying. I would physically not be capable of calling my brother of 40 plus years "my sister". I've never had a sister.

Honestly? I would move countries, pull her out of school for a year, and enroll us both in a charity project that would involve a lot of physical exercise and no introspection.

@howdoesatoastermaketoast
I tell her that there's basically two categories of reasons why men and women, boys and girls are treated differently, where there is a good reason for it (a proportionate means of achieving a legitimate aim) and sexist bullshit and I want her to believe that I'm on her side against the sexist bullshit and that I'll always be on her side against any and all sexist bullshit, the sexist bullshit she's noticed (the stuff that made her uncomfortable in the first place) the sexist bullshit I'm aware of but she isn't yet and the sexist bullshit we've yet to encounter. I tell her I'll always be honest with her and I want her to feel that she can talk to me about stuff even if she's not sure I'll agree because even if I don't completely agree I'm still interested in her point of view.

This is brilliant.

@howdoesatoastermaketoast

If any of this sounds very patronising she's very little and I'm her Mum.

How old was your child when they told you they were trans?

Mostly I try to avoid any kind of squabble or argument directly related to trans ideology and instead work to strengthen our relationship and promote critical thinking. I took the approach of dissecting the ideology rather than a blanket criticism so I'll say stuff like "of course such and such and such" "but that doesn't mean..." "I agree with x but I have to say that sounds really sexist to me" or "To me that sounds like there's a complete lack of respect for so and so's sexual orientation, so it seems rather homophobic" or in places such as the born in the wrong body trope "I don't believe that's true" The truth is like so many she doesn't actually believe all the things she would need to believe in order to be immune from accusations of transphobia. There are already elements of the ideology she doesn't agree with.

So I tell her I love her, try to spend more time with her watching tv shows which have that I consider to have a wide range of good female role models including old school lesbian woman living happy fulfilled lives (side note raging to other people that such shows and movies are almost non-existent).

We talk about how dangerous and toxic the www can be for young women and the advantages of having a screen name and avatar that does not 'out' you as a young woman. We talk about how girls and women do not have to conform to narrow stereotypes of who we are how we feel what we like and what we want. We talk about how important it is to know and set your own boundaries, and that people exist who will try to bully and intimidate women and girls into doing things they aren't comfortable with but this is abusive and girls have to learn to recognise this kind of abuse from 'friends' and either challenge it or be prepared to walk away from the friendship.

I tell her that there's basically two categories of reasons why men and women, boys and girls are treated differently, where there is a good reason for it (a proportionate means of achieving a legitimate aim) and sexist bullshit and I want her to believe that I'm on her side against the sexist bullshit and that I'll always be on her side against any and all sexist bullshit, the sexist bullshit she's noticed (the stuff that made her uncomfortable in the first place) the sexist bullshit I'm aware of but she isn't yet and the sexist bullshit we've yet to encounter. I tell her I'll always be honest with her and I want her to feel that she can talk to me about stuff even if she's not sure I'll agree because even if I don't completely agree I'm still interested in her point of view.

If any of this sounds very patronising she's very little and I'm her Mum.