Husband has come out as Trans after 24 years

Hmm maddy I'm unconvinced that a man would take his fetish/kink to his work in this way. This sounds more than something sexual. Even were it 'just' that, OP needs to decide whether she wants to participate sexually in that and if not, to set agreed boundaries on her involvement.

TinselAngel’s here. Excellent.

A transactivist group called Press for Change worked hard on blurring the lines there by normalising the term ‘trans’ to mean transvestite, transgender, transsexual etc. I can’t remember the dates but long before Stonewall.

On the basis of what expertise do you say this?

Exactly what he's doing and what's going on in his head is not relevant to this thread. He can go and find his own support network and make his own plans, and I'm sure is doing so.

The OP has shared that they are in a relationship in which they are unhappy and they want to leave. This is about supporting the OP. Encouraging her to just accept and tolerate a relationship she does not consent to, is unhappy in and wants out of, not to mention correcting her in her shared perceptions of it, is really a rather odd thing to do if you have any care or interest in the OP.

It doesn't sound to me that he is trans he just wants to wear women's clothes. Lots do it's a bit of a kink/fetish rather than wanting to be a woman

That doesn't mean he is having an affair with himself as you state.

Hi. Popping over from the Transwidows Escape Committee where your story is very familiar. Sorry to hear your predicament.
mermaid makes the point well that while you work out whether you want to go or stay, you can bide your time, set your ground rules and see if he sticks to them, while planning your exit if he doesn't. He sounds very likely, sadly, not to stick to any agreements (most of us find that these men assume we will stay and put up with the sexual, self-absorption and financial implications). So you could decide how you could live with this if that's better than being on your own while your kids are younger, and set some red lines. One might be that he doesn't dress up around you or for sex. It's a nightmare as you describe, and it doesn't sound as if you can stop him going down this road. You can only plan for what to do if this continues. Our thread is full of advice and similar stories as well as women in your situation working out how to stay and what it is like to plan to leave and come out the other side. We're there if you need us.

It's ok to walk away OP. Your children will find it harder living as you are now. They need lines drawn and so do you. So does he. This is no way to live as everyone is miserable.

See a solicitor, start separation/divorce proceedings. Make the distinction at home. You are no longer partners, you are two adults sharing a home. Make it a reality and make it clear that the process of separating has started and it will eventually come to it's natural conclusion.

''we aren't getting along like we used to'' the kind of guff that many of us are forced to say because outing your partner makes us abusive. It sounds so wishy washy when you say it.

If a friend says it to you, treat it like code. Say to her 'blink if you can't talk' and then please respect the fact she can't talk.

I don't see that you have to out him, or even tell the DCs at this stage - and perhaps he'll change his mind in the future and stay a man but ...... meanwhile I would go down the route of 'we aren't getting along like we used to and have decided to go our separate says, causing as little upset as possible for the DCs, they will spend time with both of us'.

People divorce every day of the week, I can see how devastating it is for you, I can't see why you need to try to fix things with counselling etc, you can't fix His dilemma. Only he can.

@DisillusionedTech You've hit the nail slap-bang on the head with your final sentence

As PPs have said, end the marriage. You have my sympathies.

Leave him before he drains all of your savings and drains all of your energy.

Clueless nails it above. There is a standard script followed by men having a midlife crisis and the reason/particular focus is irrelevant: what matters is that you have the support you need, that you are not drawn into a situation that you don't consent to and which makes you unhappy and is a relationship of unequal power in which you have been handed the role of enabler, and that you are able to make the right choices for you, your child, and your wellbeing and stability and future. No one has any business telling you what choices to make: what women here will always do is encourage another woman that they are equally important, their happiness and wellbeing matters, and to help them find the support, the practical information and the confidence to free themselves from an unhappy or unhealthy situation if they wish to do so. This includes knowing that if you wish, there will be other relationships out there for you which may make you happy and provide you with a future you prefer.

Have you run into Chump Lady, OP? www.chumplady.com/

She has been blogging for years with support and insight for women dealing with the break up of a long term relationship where their partner has hit a mid life crisis/affair. Many articles are funny, it's all light reading, but she identifies the script very clearly, in particular the inevitable re writing of past shared history to fit current need and desire.

As pps say: TQ+ is not a magic special clause that makes an unhealthy relationship any healthier, or justifies and excuses behaviour that would otherwise be unacceptable, or places any different pressure on a woman to stay in an unhappy relationship. It is no different to a husband whose primary focus and attachment has become alcohol or gambling or an affair and has unilaterally changed the relationship. The important thing to you is your needs, your choices, your feelings and what you feel is the best thing for you. You have as much right to consider and prioritise that as your husband is already doing for himself.

Please join the transwidows op: you will find support and insight which will surely help you.
I don't understand if you think you'll be a lesbian if you stay in the relationship???
You wouldn't be changing your sexual orientation at all!!!
Could he move out rather than you???
I wish you all the very best op

Absolutely this. If you take the trans/fetish stuff out (it could equally be secret gambling, stubborn alcoholism or drugs abuse, an affair, political extremism....) then would you want to stay together anyway? I do know of some women who can cope with their changed relationship when this rears its head, and god knows, good luck to them - but you DO NOT HAVE TO COPE. If he's changed this much, he won't talk to you properly about it, he wants to bring it 'into the bedroom' (eg involve you in his fantasy/kink), and he's resistant to outside help or therapy, then I don't really see much for you in this relationship.

I think it's very telling that he's taking your lingerie, spending a fortune on sex toys, bringing it to bed with you both, etc. Says very clearly to me that in his case, this is NOT an identity issue - it's a fetish. A kink.

This says everything about priorities and respect.

it’s an excellent point.

any woman in an unhappy relationship should take note of this.

I’m so sorry OP. It’s a nightmare any of us could be in. I think you have to divorce. It’s a compulsion like an affair. You can’t stop it. Good luck. Very sad for you and your children

Pp I am gathering that Trans means tranvestite as much as it means transsexual. It also covers anyone who has had medication/surgery but is still intact 'down there'. It also seems to cover anyone who just says they are Trans like Jamie Wallis MP who hasn't done a thing to their appearance and people like Alex Drummond who just have long hair.

I think even the Trans community are confused and dispute the umbrella.

I don’t understand any of that. Is trans not just short for transgender and that is the new word for transvestite? Also the tea thing?

Op how are you doing? Came back to check in. Xx

Also, he might be cheating. He didn't deny it, but diverted you.

OP you’ve had lots of good advice here so I don’t have any to add.

I wondered though about his fathers reaction to him being caught wearing his sisters clothes. Did he say what clothes exactly? any are a violation of his sisters boundaries but if it included underwear that is even more so. I don’t believe beating up your children is the answer but perhaps his father were looking out for his daughter.

‘The most manly man i know!’ works in IT

These phrases come up time and time again, this is not males finding their feminine side. Working in technology I encounter so so many and one common theme of the TW I’ve met is their determination to dominate and speak on behalf of women.

You haven't really said anything that points to him being trans, more of a transvestite.

These days transvestites fall under the trans umbrella Chamomileteaplease, at least according to Stonewall and to the many activists who celebrate the trans identities of transvestites.