@Nightmare2022 as an older autistic woman (late diagnosed), I’d probably tell her the following.
That actually, this feeling of disconnect with your body, feeling out of step with your peers and society at large is not unusual. Autistic brains tend to mature a little later than neurotypicals. So whilst you’ve just about caught up with everyone at primary school, suddenly you’re launched into this even more complex social environment. The rules don’t make sense, it’s chaos unending, you probably never really thought about your body before.
Your body was just that, your body, you’d never really paid any attention to it. Then suddenly, you’re in an environment which pays a LOT of attention to the body. The social rules become a lot more complex, and seem to change on the whim of someone called Chloe or Dylan in the year above you.
Then your body starts to change, without any warning and you suddenly have to do things with it that you didn’t have to before. What do you mean shave my legs? But it makes my legs feel weird? Also, a bra?! The straps dig in, but that popular girl is wearing the same type, I should be wearing that. Make up? But it makes my face itch. Why do I need to do this? Also, love interests?! Not sure I like anyone, is this weird? The thought of a kiss sounds disgusting if i’m honest. But everyone else is doing it.
Id tell her that she probably feels weird, out of place, that she doesn’t fit in. That she doesn’t seem to be the same as everyone else. That inside she might question if she’s an alien because she doesn’t like what so and so likes. So she looks and sees that there are people online that describe what I’m feeling, that ‘oddness,’ and they say they’re non binary. Perhaps this explains it? This might be a way to have some control, to be able to make those inner thoughts that they struggle to process or figure out feelings.
I remember feeling exactly the same as a teenager, I wore baggy clothes until I was seventeen and had short hair. I literally looked like a boy, I didn’t want to be a boy. Just wasn’t really bothered by what others were bothered by. I have a vivid memory of sitting on the steps in the playground around aged 13/14 and others discussing shaving their legs. I remember looking down at my own legs, that I’d never shaved before and thinking ‘oh, is that what I’m supposed to do?’ Similar with eyebrows, mine were very thick. My younger sister had to help me (it didn’t go well 🤣😬). People used to talk about sex all the time, I felt weird that I didn’t really want to do any of that stuff. My control thing ended up being a full blown eating disorder (really common in autistic girls), body dysmorphia and crippling anxiety. I found refuge in Mills and Boon, and the Star Trek fandom online.
My brain did catch up a bit by the same I got to 16/17 and I felt happier in my body, and it was when I went to uni at 19 that I finally settled within myself and engaged in ‘girly things.’ I also got a crush on a bit of a twit, and made an absolute fool of myself in the process. Well, what was MSN messenger for if not that 🤣.
I think if I’d have been a teen today, I would have probably been labelled a transmale or non binary. Instead, I was labelled as a ‘bit of a weirdo tomboy.’
I’m now married, I have children. Probably still a bit of a tomboy to be fair, I still struggle with issues around eating disorders. I’m mostly recovered.
I think todays teens are rushed, rushed in ways that perhaps we weren’t. There’s so much more pressure as well, and you can’t just be nothing, you can’t just be ‘Jane’ you’ve got to be ‘Jane with an Instagram famous cat’ or the like.
I dunno, the above might be a load of old twaddle. I just hope things improve soon for you guys.