husband called me a terf 😡

Buy him a copy of Irreversible Damage by Abigail Shrier.

Hopefully someone here can remember which judge it was who stated TERF was a slur. I would politely by firmly tell him if he wants an adult conversation about the best interests of your daughter he would be wise not to start with insults. Show him the "TERF is a slur" website and ask him if he still align's with the sort of people who use that term.

terfisaslur.com/

And if he's interested in learning about how gender ideology is affecting women around the world then I would direct him to women are human.

www.womenarehuman.com/

And tell him to stop throwing his weight around from a position of ignorance because it makes him look like a misogynist.

And you should tell him what books to read as well. Trans, Material Girls, Irreversible Damage. When he’s read them and can tell you why he’s still right, then I’d listen.

For context his older brother was pretty much abandoned by their parents due to being gay so i think part of him doesn't want to repeat mistakes.

Right I think this is important as you can kind of see where he’s coming from. However he is very ill informed, so needs to educate himself. Previous posters have given lots of excellent links here, I suggest he reads them.

At the moment nothing apart from wanting me to look a a book he's ordered from amozen

Read the book, then have him read a book of your choosing about trans. It’s only going to help if you both read the same body of research and communicate with each other. If you’re concerned about the real long term effects of puberty blockers and the limits of gender confirmation surgery…by all means have him read about how limited that is as an option, the risks and things that can go wrong, the rate of regret.

Transitioning is an option in her future if she wants it, but I don’t think your DH would want to recommend that to her without being educated on how risky it is.

Your Dd can’t be making decisions in a vacuum of marketing or activism slogans, you both need to read all the different science on it in order to guide her appropriately.

Osteoporosis isn't fun in your 40s, let alone in your 20s.

Which is what happens when you block puberty and give kids the same drugs that they use to castrate rapists.

I think you are doing the right thing . Let her play with whatever toys she likes and wear what she wants.The rest can wait .

my daughter was the biggest Tomboy out even in her teens doing building courses etc. but she certainly is not trans .

Get him to look at some of the posts on the detrans subreddit. Many are suffering with long term issues from taking hormones and struggling to get support to detransition due to hate from the trans community.

I completely understand why he feels the need to support his child especially with his family history but he is going in blind. Transitioning isn't at all comparable to sexual preference.

Stick to your guns OP.

She may be trans but it is too early to know if she would want to transition. Your DH is unreasonable to assume that trans=transitioning in future. You are unreasonable to reject all possibility of your daughter being trans out of hand.

Many trans people are under the non-binary umbrella of gender identities and have no wish to transition to the opposite gender. They often keep their birth pronouns or go by they/them.

I would not argue between the two of you over whether she is trans or not trans, neither of you can know, only she can know. Your job as parents is to educate her about what is trans, what that may mean for her and her options in terms of how she identifies. This should be taught alongside sexuality and how it is separate from gender identity.

Of course, if one of you doesn’t think trans people even exist then you’re going to be incompatible…

For years, Sharissa Derricott, 30, had no idea why her body seemed to be failing. At 21, a surgeon replaced her deteriorated jaw joint. She’s been diagnosed with degenerative disc disease and fibromyalgia, a chronic pain condition. Her teeth are shedding enamel and cracking.
None of it made sense to her until she discovered a community of women online who describe similar symptoms and have one thing in common: All had taken a drug called Lupron.
Thousands of parents chose to inject their daughters with the drug, which was approved to shut down puberty in young girls but also is commonly used off-label to help short kids grow taller.

Continues
A report on the effects on girls who were prescribed puberty blockers TEMPORARILY

Tell him to look up:

The failure rate of phalloplasty.

The effects of putting young women into menopause (which is what transition does).

Is he aware of the risks of brittle bones? Sterility? Loss of sexual function as an adult?

Is he aware there are no serious long term studies about outcomes for trans teens on current treatment regimes - this is experimental.

Is he aware of the Cass report
cass.independent-review.uk/publications/interim-report/

...or that several senior clinicians and other senior staff have left GIDS and the Tavistock over their concerns over how children have been treated? (google Dr David Bell, Kirsty Entwhistle, Marcus Evans, and also Keira Bell's court case which was supported by ex-GIDS nurse Sue Evans).

Is he aware that 80% of children no longer feel trans after puberty, but if you give them blockers, 98% go on to cross sex hormones.

He needs to do some serious research, and not from trans advocacy groups but serious sources like NICE and the Cass review.

And calling you TERF? He can fuck right off.

‘When she's older he wants us to support her by getting her referred to a local gender clinic.’

How does he think he is anywhere near qualified to make that call, when he has only just started researching the topic?

How dare he mansplain to you what books you should read in an area he doesn’t understand himself?

I’d tell him absolutely no, you will not be indulging him. She is female. Sometimes female children like pursuits and clothes that aren’t mandated by stereotype. And that is exactly fine. He needs to back off.

telling her she can change sex with older is in her best interests for the love of god, how and why would this be in her best interests? Do we tell anorexics they can be the thinnest person in the world and help them to achieve that?

I would ask your husband to slow the fuck down. I would actually tell him he needs to stop and do a fuckton more research and thinking.

What a very hard situation, OP.

I do think taking the heat right out of it is crucial. Ask questions. Keep asking questions (of your husband, not your daughter!).

I'd also refer him to Sajid Javid's recent speech/article on front page of the Times.

www.thetimes.co.uk/article/0fea92e4-c265-11ec-8413-422ef6319ad0?shareToken=4148076e1049a01c5199f002bbcc9e15

I just lost a really long post (thanks site upgrade!) but the vastly cut down version is - get him to read the interim Cass Report. He thinks he's doing the right-on, kind and compassionate thing, but it sounds like he is very uninformed.

Information is only just coming to light about the trainwreck of gender ideology and its impact on children. Hopefully by the time your daughter is approaching puberty and starting secondary school a lot more sunlight will have poured into the murky world behind the glitter and rainbows and he'll see how right you were. Until then he is not to make decisions about your daughter's identity or attach labels to her that she has not chosen herself. (And he can apologise for using a misogynistic slur and maybe examine his attitude to women speaking up for their rights.)

Send you DH to the Break it Down For Me thread

She is 8 and he's talking about her changing sex one day? She's 8 fgs she's far too young for him to be thinking along these (very serious) lines of change imo!

www.svtplay.se/video/33358590/uppdrag-granskning/mission-investigate-trans-children-avsnitt-1

Meant to add, just leave her be. Let her wear what she wants, let her collect model cars (I did, and collected Superman and Batman comics), climb trees, play football. Just leave her be.

Ask him to read the stories of detransitioners. Eg Watson. Lots on twitter.

Also the recent film by Gussie grippers - which highlights the medical issues for girls and women who take these drugs.

The Swedish films on transition, trans train, especially the latest one, highlight the medical issues too.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=J9ZNINhdhN0

Whatever happened to "tomboys"? I knew several growing up (I am old), they hated wearing dresses, wanted to play with the boys at football, climb trees etc. They just didn't like dolls etc.

I was a tomboy when I was 8, lots of people thought I was a boy. At that age boys had much more fun than girls. By the time I was 16 I was very, very much a girl and delighted that I was 😃…… and still am at 67 😂

What exactly does he think you should do? What would you do if she wanted to be known by a different name?

If he’s only just begun to look into it, first, tell him to back off with his big old opinions. He doesn’t know anything about the topic.

Then show him what a double mastectomy done on a teenager looks like.

If he still wants to tell your daughter she can actually change sex, then you have a very big problem.

Tbh it sounds like your daughter is just a tomboy. Respectfully, I think your husband is being a dick. Watchful waiting will help.