husband called me a terf 😡

I always dressed DD is trousers and trainers so that she could play freely and encouraged physical fun play. I sometimes really wish I hadn't.

Sending solidarity @3kidsandcounting2022 your DD sounds like my 11 YO DD. I'm very fortunate that DH is on the same page as me; that there is absolutely nothing 'wrong' with DD, she can wear what she likes and have the interests she likes without having to alter herself to fit utterly toxic stereotypes.

DD has started her periods and is well into puberty, I really hope that means that we are some way out of the woods in terms of someone 'well meaning' getting hold of her.

It is terrifying to be a parent of a girl that rejects the princess stereotype.

I think being practical it may help to establish that you both want whats going to be best for her today and in the future. It’s a simple thing but it’s easy when you have a conflict about parenting to lose sight of that, that you both want whats best and you have faith that your spouse is trying their best.

Establish that then say ok lets have a look at what the evidence says about desistance rates, how therapy works for “trans” kids (the affirmation model for example doesn’t try to figure out really if there’s something else going on). having an open non angry dialogue is important. Perhaps point him towards de-trans women who can talk about the long term impact of transitioning etc. no-one can hear each other when they are angry. And tbh I have a lot of sympathy because I would be furious but take the confrontation out of it and try to listen without judgement and ask him to listen without judgement and focus on your DD and not on being “right”. The consequences for your DD would be heavy if you guys get it wrong. I think it is better not to get bogged down in the ideology etc because he’s not thinking about that, he thinks your DD is unhappy and he he thinks he can fix it for her which is what many parents try to do.

also could look for a therapist who doesn’t follow the affirmation model.

If the leaders of WPATH are reading Shriers book and becoming concerned, it's the least your husband could do.

At the moment nothing apart from wanting me to look a a book he's ordered from amozen.

It's highly likely to be very sexist.

That word is useful, sexism. It's mostly about sexism.

Another book is "irreversible damage" by Abigail Shrier, specifically about girls.

Anderson and bowers are on the board of WPATH, Anderson operated on Jazz Jennings.

If he won't read the book, this is her sub stack: abigailshrier.substack.com/p/why-marci-matters

Anderson and Bowers said other important things too. While they both pointed out that “Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria” is not an accepted diagnosis, Anderson acknowledged that the population of teen girls currently claiming to be transgender suddenly in adolescents may be a very different population from the typical patients of gender dysphoria.

About these teen girls, Anderson said:

I think that's a really important question to ask is are these different kids first and if they are, should we be treating them differently than the early presenters, the children who well before puberty asserted gender different than we thought they had? And I think it's an open question and you've written about this. I have a copy of your book. I've read most of your book, by the way. And you raise an interesting question: Is there something going on with our teenage girls? And the answer I would give is yes. Do we know what it is precisely? No.
Anderson told me she is troubled by the lack of time and skill some gender therapists show in differentiating some of these girls from the classic, early presentations of gender dysphoria. She said: “I've had literally some kids tell me that. Well, why do you want to be a boy? Are you a boy? Oh yeah, boys have it easier than girls.”

I know your daughter is 9 but she's clearly never had issues with gender when she was younger, and you say she may well be close to puberty anyway.

You husband needs to learn about the physical impact on the body of cross sex hormones for women, as well as pbs.

As Cass says, social transition is not a neutral act either.

You've also said

Your job as parents is to educate her about what is trans, what that may mean for her and her options in terms of how she identifies. This should be taught alongside sexuality and how it is separate from gender identity.

Can you, a person who believes in gender identity and thinks adults can educate children on it, describe some of the things that might make a male, say, believe they are female?

Just two or three of the most obvious things?

Is he normally patient? Some people just want to make a decision and take action whatever that may be just so they feel they’re doing something. I would definitely recommend waiting.

You could also ask if he’d feel the same way if any other group was backing this - ie if the Catholic Church wanted to transition underage minors or if the stonemasons were the ones to push mixed sex prisons and sports? I think that would mean much more scrutiny and pushback.

If he's prepared to be open-minded, asking him to read Helen Joyce's Trans: When Ideology Meets Reality would be a good place to start (as PPs have suggested above). It's an excellent introduction to the history of the issue and only came out in 2021, so up-to-date.

Also, liking boys toys and wanting to 'be a boy' are so different, he's reading too much into it

Your child is 9 years old, this is far far far too big a topic to be addressing at 9! They change their whims with the wind at 9! Your husband is massively over reacting and will confuse your daughter so much more by keep going on about it.

Ask him what his attitude would be if when she is older she were to feel she is a lesbian rather than trans?

As he feels his brother was mistreated for being gay, perhaps he might see he should be leaving very, very young DD space to grow up to find out what she wants in due course.

Sorry, OP, just incensed on your behalf!

Tell your husband he's a fucking misogynist and a danger to his daughter's well being.

What does it feel like to feel like a male?

Oh my goodness OP, you and DH are on completely different pages.

I'm sorry he has such a strong opinion when you both need to be singing from the same hymn sheet, but you absolutely must pull rank on this and you need to show him this is a very different thing to his brother.

Wanting to be a boy can be a very normal part of some girl's childhood. A lot of girls reject female stereotypes and want to be one of the boys, they were called Tomboys!! I exclusively hung around with boys at my junior school, calling ourselves the 'boys club', I didn't want it changed to 'boys and girl club' even though they asked me. This changed when I got older.

A lot of men haven't spent as much time with their kids and also other kids to see all the nuances and differences that you have.

He may not remember Tomboys from childhood like you do and also have a more black and white view of how girls behave, a lot of men do - the men in my family and male friends are like this, bless 'em.

She's not "transgender", she's nine. She has grown up in this awful world where society tells you that "girl" = pink dresses with unicorns, and that "boy" = jeans and dinosaur t-shirts.

You both just need to reinforce that girls can do anything boys can do (assuming that she's got no ambitions to become a Catholic priest) and that liking football or cars doesn't stop her being a girl and that there's nothing wrong with that

This article was posted on another thread: www.transgendertrend.com/childhood-social-transition/

It’s really useful and makes the case for just letting your daughter be a girl who chooses things Society puts in the ‘boy’ section.

I feel really strongly about this because it’s basically who I was. I’m SO glad I grew up in a period where no one tried to trans me, and just left me to be a short haired girl in ‘boys’ clothes who liked playing football.

Don’t let him give her any kind of complex or hang ups about ‘being trans’. She’s just herself!

What ever happened to being a ‘Tom boy’? I went through that phase when I was around 9 to 12, and then I went back to wearing girly clothes again. If she still wants to be a boy when she’s an adult then that’s fair enough, but this is probably nothing but a phase.
(I just had to Google what a TERF was)

Isn't there data to show that gender non-conforming children are more likely to grow up to be same sex attracted than trans.

So, what about sexuality which is innate? Do you not believe in that then?

i don’t know if it’s innate. I do know people can love or have sex with whoever they choose.

people can not change sex. Gender identity can’t be innate as gender is a set of learned social behaviours. You aren’t born knowing pink is for girls, and boys like football.

speaking of, if a football playing trans boy moved to the US where soccer is a girls sport, what would happen to their “gender identity”. If they’ve grown up knowing they’re a boy because they like football and other male pursuits, what happens if the culture changes and football is now a girls activity?

PurgatoryOfPotholes

indeed. A measurable reaction compared to a immeasurable feelings.

What has sexuality got at all to do with gender identity?

Who cares what he says. You are doing the right thing for your daughter. Stand firm.