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Original poster

Former Trans Child of Gender Critical Parents (very long). *Trigger warning - descriptions of self harm and suicide* - Title edited by MNHQ

541 replies

pop91 · 26/03/2022 22:33

Hi,

To start I wanna say I'm writing this post in good faith to provide the viewpoint of a Trans person with Gender Critical parents but I know this is the internet and this will probably just be trolled to death but here goes.

I had a pretty regular 'happy' family setup, and apparently first told my parents of my identity at just 5yrs old but the first I remember is at 8yrs old when I refused to go by my 'very gendered' birth name but my parents insisted on using it especially publicly.

My parents were never particularly strict on gender roles in the home - my sister would wear my dad's glasses and jacket and stomp around with his briefcase in hand and my brother had an emo phase with heels and mascara to match and apart from some grumbling from my father it was never the biggest issue in our house.

Sexuality was different though even though my father would class himself as a pragmatic centrist, barring a socialist university phase, and my mother a card-carrying progressive New Labour type whose Best Friend was the most flamboyant gay man and an Aunt who lived with her 'friend' until she passed. There was an uncomfortableness with sexuality where both my parents would call it a lifestyle choice and opposed gay marriage - cut to three years ago when my older brother came out as bisexual and last month the youngest sister as a lesbian Grin but rest assured the other 3 siblings remain firmly 'normal.'

Back to me and by 12 I had started puberty and was experiencing debilitating gender dysphoria - I would look into the mirror and see nothing that matched my brain. I would continue to feel this way until the bullying and dysphoria got so bad that one night I climbed into my bathtub with a kitchen knife hoping I could change my body to fit my brain somehow I managed not to perform self-surgery in my bathtub.

A couple of months later I came clean to my parents, I wasn't expecting a big hug but I wasn't expecting what came next. They ignored it as if I had told them what I wanted for dinner, they decided they didn't hear what I had said at all.

Over the next year, the internet became my friend as I found ways to affirm my gender by doing hidden things at first and then slowly more outward things. I came out to my siblings and although they found it confusing my oldest brother and sister were a godsend who I wouldn't have survived without, They helped me pick out a new haircut and new clothes and we came up with a new name.

I came out in school and sure there was bullying but I was feeling so Euphoric that it almost didn't matter. When the teachers found out they informed my parents and that's when everything changed! My parents sat me down and said I was just confused. They threw out my new clothes, anything that I used to affirm my gender, even my shoes and magazines then they took my bedroom door off and took away my laptop and phone and forced my older siblings to refer to me by my birth name, my older brother and sister stopped supporting me and I lost my only family support and anything that was helping me.

Eventually, when they realised everything they had done hadn't worked and I still felt the same way, they decided to try both religious and non-religious conversion therapy which left permanent scarring to my mental health and I frequently have nightmares about it.

At 15 I had my first suicide attempt and my parents forced me to lie and say it was due just to bullying at school but that wasn't true it was the dysphoria and conversion therapy that was killing me.

From 15 to 17 I had multiple suicide attempts and after the third one, my parents finally allowed me to stop the conversion therapy but still forcibly live as my 'biological' sex.

Eventually, I managed to get to a great University and at 18 I socially transitioned and by 20 I had started hormones. I now have a job that provides me financial stability and have an amazing partner, with 2 children from a prior relationship that I now consider like my own. We are also now having a baby very soon.

My mother now describes herself as Gender Critical and frequently posts online about how she will be unable to see her grandchildren because of her views, which is true as I will not allow my parents to see either my child or stepchildren.

My parents continue to refuse to acknowledge my identity and pronouns. The last time we talked, she said she believes I am just gay, which neither makes sense considering my partner's gender nor the fact she also has a terrible relationship with my lesbian sister and bisexual brother who also rarely allows his child to visit my mum, due to her comments about their sexualities.

I finally have the support back of all my siblings and we do frequently gather without my parents. I hope one day my parents change their minds but honestly I don't hold much hope and I don't know if I could forgive what they did to me.

A lot of online trans activists wish trans children for Gender Criticals but I don't, it wasn't very nice at all. If you're going to ask if I think kids should transition, the answer is I don't know as I didn't transition as a child and a social transition helped plenty for me.

Well that's it I think, just the perspective and experience of a trans person with Gender Critical parents, feel free to ask any reasonable questions or respectful questions. Smile

OP posts:
Helleofabore · 27/03/2022 18:10

Would they ask them to accept such body parts as an acceptance of their biological sex or would there be an understanding of how the 'feeling' doesn't go away for most trans people?

We are talking about teenagers here and only teenagers.

The teenaged daughters I know are being taught to accept that they cannot change their body parts now. Who knows whether they will or won't in the future. The point is, they are working on accepting their bodies cannot be changed now. And that binders are not a neutral item of clothing. One is a doctor and knows this very well.

The 'feeling' may or may not go away. These teens are being given the breathing space (ie. without medicalisation at all) to find out.

That you seem to think people on this board would be abusive to their children is actually really chilling. Completely chilling. And we have seen it all before. directly from twitter.

AthenaWhite · 27/03/2022 18:09

You opened a thread and you're upset women didn't respond how you wanted them to respond? OP, live your best life in peace and harmony. Work on your need to control others though.

PrelateChuckles · 27/03/2022 18:09

OP, this is a genuine question. Are you able to set out what you believe "gender critical" to mean, in a way that gender critical people would agree is accurate?

If you can't, then you don't know what it is.

Original poster
pop91 · 27/03/2022 18:09

@Clymene

Evidence? You don't know is or our children.

And I thought you'd gone.

well if the conversation continues to improve then i might just stay ;)
OP posts:
Original poster
pop91 · 27/03/2022 18:08

@Helleofabore

Would GC women impose those roles if their child wanted to actually change sex?

What roles are they that we would 'impose' though?

This is where you seem very confused. You keep talking about stereotypes and we are saying to you 'fuck off with the stereotypes'.

well for my parents it wasn't 'what job you can do' or 'behave like this.'

it was more physical appearance.
I wasn't allowed to cut my hair like Zayn Malick anymore and I didn't have to wear dresses but I wasn't allowed to wear long jumpers with characters like Pokemon on.

OP posts:
PrelateChuckles · 27/03/2022 18:07

you're wrong I wanted perspectives on how GCs treat their children who may have gender dysphoria.

Well, do you understand why it was disingenuous to present homophobic abusive behaviour as somehow anything to do with GC, and why your consistent getting wrong what GC means, nearly every time you tried to explain it, conveyed that you had no knowledge or interest in what "gender critical" means?

Imagine if I'd posted saying "my parent is trans and abusive, how would misogynistic trans people treat their daughters?" And kept pretending I thought "trans" meant "misogynistic" even when lots of trans people told me I was incorrect to say that?

And say I knew loads about gender and found it incredibly important to realign society around it yet not be able to say what it is without implying it means a mental disorder or brain impairment?

That would be the equivalent of what you have done.

RoseslnTheHospital · 27/03/2022 18:03

Children can't change sex. I wouldn't have any issue with my male children wearing whatever clothes they chose, and wearing their hair however they liked. They can do any activity they like. I don't impose gendered stereotypes on them, and they choose their clothes and hair cuts even at quite a young age.

Unless I go and live on an island with no other people and no access to any kind of media, including books, tv, magazines, radio etc, then unfortunately we still live in a heavily gender stereotyped society. When my children were small and I had more control over what they could access then stereotypes had less impact on them. Nursery and then school, plus media and so on has an influence as time goes on. Then you're fighting against that all the time.

Original poster
pop91 · 27/03/2022 18:03

@Helleofabore

I happen to know a number of parents who are bringing up girls with significant gender dysphoria. They do what most parents do when they can afford private treatment, they allow their teenaged girls to get the mental health support they need to cope with their lives, they accept their child may have to one day consider medicalised options but in the mean time their child knows there is absolutely no expectation of fitting into any 'gender' stereotypes, they can just be themselves.

I actually don't understand your parents throwing out your clothes. My teen wears what ever they want, when ever they want. We shop for clothes worn by both sexes or unisex. Whatever hair cut they want. They also have interests that are associated with both sexes etc. And they can love people who are of either sex, it doesn't matter a jot to us.

But my teen also knows that they cannot change sex and that sometimes 'sex' matters more and that that should be perfectly acceptable.

The parents I know with 'transboys' also do not use language that reduces any female to a body part and have also taught their daughters that they benefit from the rights that feminists are fighting for that are based on protections for 'sex' rather than gender.

HTH

Thank You That's genuinely interesting to hear.

What would the course of action be if the child experienced significant issues with male/female body parts?

Would they ask them to accept such body parts as an acceptance of their biological sex or would there be an understanding of how the 'feeling' doesn't go away for most trans people?

I actually don't understand your parents throwing out your clothes. My teen wears what ever they want, when ever they want. We shop for clothes worn by both sexes or unisex. Whatever hair cut they want

That's nice to hear but I suppose they felt it was 'made' me trans, that they believed I only wanted to present that way and not actually BE that way. I guess the Binder and clothes that hid my chest didn't help either.

OP posts:
Whitefire · 27/03/2022 18:02

You can't "actually change sex" and I certainly wouldn't be allowing them to think they could.

Helleofabore · 27/03/2022 18:00

Isn't Gender Critical / GC the correct chosen term as many would call GCs terfs instead?

As usual OP you really are looking at posters here as a group from your own prejudiced lens. That of someone who believes they know what being gender critical means. When the reality seems to be that you seem to have some idea but mostly it is what you have read from others who are deeply prejudiced and yet never sought to understand or from your mother who seems to not be representative at all.

But you have used phrases like 'the GCs' or 'GCs' all through your posts. That is dehumanising whether you accept this or not. And it is done by people who then do this so it is ok to demonise women who disagree with them.

Would you like to be called 'the transes' or 'the transmens'?

Clymene · 27/03/2022 17:58

Evidence? You don't know is or our children.

And I thought you'd gone.

Helleofabore · 27/03/2022 17:56

Would GC women impose those roles if their child wanted to actually change sex?

What roles are they that we would 'impose' though?

This is where you seem very confused. You keep talking about stereotypes and we are saying to you 'fuck off with the stereotypes'.

Original poster
pop91 · 27/03/2022 17:56

@Helleofabore

Perhaps stop calling us 'the GCs' first!
Isn't Gender Critical / GC the correct chosen term as many would call GCs terfs instead?
OP posts:
Original poster
pop91 · 27/03/2022 17:53

@RoseslnTheHospital

Perhaps you might consider that the "gender critical" women posting here are typically radical feminists. So, typically concerned with breaking down the gendered expectations placed on women (and by extension, men). We view gender as a structure used to control women in a patriarchal and misogynist society.

How do you think that women who view gender in that way might bring up their children? Or react if their children didn't conform to the gendered expectations of them in their society?

How do you think that women who view gender in that way might bring up their children? Or react if their children didn't conform to the gendered expectations of them in their society?

That's a fair assertion but I see no evidence of GC women raising their children in such a way that gendered socialisation isn't a 'thing'

Or what they might do if the child still then wanted to transition?

Basically, My mother didn't care for gender roles or expectations and didn't impose them UNTIL I came out. Would GC women impose those roles if their child wanted to actually change sex?

OP posts:
Whitefire · 27/03/2022 17:53

I actually don't understand your parents throwing out your clothes. My teen wears what ever they want, when ever they want.

My youngest (not yet a teen) was very vocal in her choice of clothes long before she was 2 years old. I, too, let her wear what she wants. If she wanted to rebel she'd put a dress on. Grin

Whitefire · 27/03/2022 17:47

If I am honest I have no idea how I would react, because, like most I assume, I give this very little concrete thought, just like what I'd do if my 16 year old told me she was pregnant. I might have thoughts of "I wouldn't do x" but not necessarily what I might actually do.

I'm not sure what you are wanting posters to say. I've made mistakes as a parent, who hasn't, but I would hope that I did what I felt the best course of action with the facts and resources I had.

If you were hoping for lots of posters to take the same line as your parents did, then you came to the wrong place.

Helleofabore · 27/03/2022 17:46

I happen to know a number of parents who are bringing up girls with significant gender dysphoria. They do what most parents do when they can afford private treatment, they allow their teenaged girls to get the mental health support they need to cope with their lives, they accept their child may have to one day consider medicalised options but in the mean time their child knows there is absolutely no expectation of fitting into any 'gender' stereotypes, they can just be themselves.

I actually don't understand your parents throwing out your clothes. My teen wears what ever they want, when ever they want. We shop for clothes worn by both sexes or unisex. Whatever hair cut they want. They also have interests that are associated with both sexes etc. And they can love people who are of either sex, it doesn't matter a jot to us.

But my teen also knows that they cannot change sex and that sometimes 'sex' matters more and that that should be perfectly acceptable.

The parents I know with 'transboys' also do not use language that reduces any female to a body part and have also taught their daughters that they benefit from the rights that feminists are fighting for that are based on protections for 'sex' rather than gender.

HTH

Helleofabore · 27/03/2022 17:32

Perhaps stop calling us 'the GCs' first!

RoseslnTheHospital · 27/03/2022 17:31

Perhaps you might consider that the "gender critical" women posting here are typically radical feminists. So, typically concerned with breaking down the gendered expectations placed on women (and by extension, men). We view gender as a structure used to control women in a patriarchal and misogynist society.

How do you think that women who view gender in that way might bring up their children? Or react if their children didn't conform to the gendered expectations of them in their society?

Original poster
pop91 · 27/03/2022 17:25

@ScrollingLeaves

OP You said you were hoping for parental perspectives which you didn’t get. I think you did in that many people answering are parents so they were actually giving you their perspective at least in some way.

Most - probably all people - thought your parents were extremely abusive (whether they intended to be or not). Therefore you can guess that had you been their child they would not have wanted to treat you this way themselves and would have felt very sympathetic about your unhappiness and dysphoria and would have wanted to help you and love you, without sending you for religious conversion therapy.

I guess I wanted more than just they are abusive because I know that already.

I wanted to understand how GCs parents treat gender dysphoric children.

OP posts:
Original poster
pop91 · 27/03/2022 17:24

[quote VestofAbsurdity]@pop91 I take an entirely different view of what you say you came here for, to me you came here to tell us what we think, then tell us how we should think, tell us what to do, then reprimand us for not doing what you tell us to do and finally tell us we are hateful for disagreeing with you.

You want laws changed and all of society changed on the basis of something you cannot explain nor define and have no qualms about the impact that will have, particularly on women.

That's what I've taken from your posts.[/quote]
you're wrong I wanted perspectives on how GCs treat their children who may have gender dysphoria.

All the current laws are good with me. I seek no change there.

OP posts:
Original poster
pop91 · 27/03/2022 17:21

@DomesticatedZombie

Yo, OP, I'm sorry you've had a hard time with your family. Wishing you a peaceful day and good luck. Flowers
Thank You!
OP posts:
Helleofabore · 27/03/2022 17:19

You want laws changed and all of society changed on the basis of something you cannot explain nor define and have no qualms about the impact that will have, particularly on women.

That's what I've taken from your posts.

I am a late comer to the thread. But that seemed like the crux.

It feels like pushing a political agenda without actually understanding deeply what it means and how it then disadvantages others. All because of an ideological view point. Not one based in the reality of the sex class. All about the individual..... again.

ScrollingLeaves · 27/03/2022 17:17

OP You said you were hoping for parental perspectives which you didn’t get. I think you did in that many people answering are parents so they were actually giving you their perspective at least in some way.

Most - probably all people - thought your parents were extremely abusive (whether they intended to be or not). Therefore you can guess that had you been their child they would not have wanted to treat you this way themselves and would have felt very sympathetic about your unhappiness and dysphoria and would have wanted to help you and love you, without sending you for religious conversion therapy.

VestofAbsurdity · 27/03/2022 17:16

@pop91 I take an entirely different view of what you say you came here for, to me you came here to tell us what we think, then tell us how we should think, tell us what to do, then reprimand us for not doing what you tell us to do and finally tell us we are hateful for disagreeing with you.

You want laws changed and all of society changed on the basis of something you cannot explain nor define and have no qualms about the impact that will have, particularly on women.

That's what I've taken from your posts.

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