Page 16 | Are the wife and children really fine?

DancingBarefootOnIce · 2022-03-22T08:03:18+00:00

A man I used to be close friends with recently came out as a transwoman on Facebook. I was a bit surprised as when I knew them in their 20s they were just a typical man. They’re now mid 30s and married to a woman with three children. Anyway in their post the second sentence was something along the lines of “Don’t worry my wife and children are fine”. I’ve seen it before in stories like this or when someone comes out as gay. It’s almost like there’s going to be an accusation of homophobia or transphobia if they’re not alright with it. It just doesn’t feel right. If my partner or father came out with something like that it would change so many things in thinking about past relationships etc.

DomesticatedZombie · 22/03/2022 11:05

I wouldn't consider it transphobic for a straight woman to want to end a romantic relationship with a trans woman who's recently found herself

How benevolent. So generous.

peboh · 22/03/2022 11:05

If my dh told me he wanted to transition, I would be fine and I wouldn't.
I'd be fine and accepting of his body, his choice. I'd respect his decision and support him in any way I could.
I wouldn't be fine with the breakdown of my marriage. As a heterosexual woman, I wouldn't stay married to him. I'm not attracted to women, and whilst physical attraction isn't everything, it is important to me. That doesn't make me phobic. It's a preference. In the same way that if he came out as gay, our relationship would break down.

gingerhills · 22/03/2022 11:03

@ElaineFuchs

Maybe this woman's wife is bisexual or pansexual?

I think it depends what you mean by "not alright with it".

If you mean that her wife and children might be troubled by their exposure to societies transphobia (for instance being bullied at school for having a transgender mum) then that's a valid concern. The UK is home to some terrible transphobia.

If you mean that her wife or children might be themselves bigoted towards her, then that would be transphobic and should rightly be called out as such!

(And just to help prevent this being misinterpreted, I wouldn't consider it transphobic for a straight woman to want to end a romantic relationship with a trans woman who's recently found herself).

Congratulations to them all!

I think what the OP might mean is that the woman and children might feel cheated and traumatised having understood themselves to be married to a man and to have a father respectively, and to have had this known fixture in their lives taken from them, with any need to grieve or feel distress about it punished as bigotry and transphobia.

@ElaineFuchs is that a response to the situation you would be prepared to acknowledge as human and natural and not intrinsically transphobic?

Peregrina · 22/03/2022 11:02

Tall women are a sub-category of women. As are short women. And thin women. And fat women. And (even!) ginger women.

And IMO transwomen are a sub category of men, however much they pretend that they are not. Even having your bits chopped off won't make you a biological female in the same way that women who have mastectomies or hysterectomies aren't turned into men.

(Will this get me banned from MN?)

LittleWhingingWoman · 22/03/2022 11:01

@ElaineFuchs "I know first hand several relationships in which this has happened without any issue at all."

You know several men who are saying they are women in their relationships now?

Does that not strike you as odd?

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 22/03/2022 10:59

I'm very attracted to masculine women and feminine men (not transwomen). Sexuality is funny like that and we are all absolutely entitled to experience it exactly as we do.

Its when you start dragging innocent children into it I feel angry. Have the maturity to get your shit together before you bring another life into this world. There are enough damaged people as it is.

SamphiretheStickerist · 22/03/2022 10:57

I don't understand what you mean by this.

I mean gay =/= trans.

One is a sexuality

The other is not.

You persits in posting as though they are the same thing. They are not.

SamphiretheStickerist · 22/03/2022 10:56

Almost everyone advertises their gender on facebook, why is a trans person saying it "extremely intimate"?

Would that be because Facebook insists? Oh yes! It asks about Gender, not sex. And you can't leave it blank.

ElaineFuchs · 22/03/2022 10:53

@Changemaname1

Maybe some people would be ok with it and good for them

Personally I’m attracted to men and typically tall, muscley with beard types so no I would not stay married to someone who wanted to present as a woman

That doesn’t make me transphobic it just makes me straight ✌🏼

Exactly! Agree

ElaineFuchs · 22/03/2022 10:52

@incognitoforthisone

Just because you wouldn't be fine, it doesn't mean they're not. I'm sure your friend knows her partner and kids better than you do.

Agree

Changemaname1 · 22/03/2022 10:52

Maybe some people would be ok with it and good for them

Personally I’m attracted to men and typically tall, muscley with beard types so no I would not stay married to someone who wanted to present as a woman

That doesn’t make me transphobic it just makes me straight ✌🏼

ElaineFuchs · 22/03/2022 10:52

@SamphiretheStickerist

Strong "the gays are ok, but they should keep it to themselves" energy

What on Earth was that? You keep on with that forced teaming, don't you?

I don't understand what you mean by this.

ElaineFuchs · 22/03/2022 10:51

@Toomanyradishes

I would leave my husband if he was trans, but that doesnt make me transphobic and its idiotic to suggest it would. I fell in love with my husband, a man, with certain personality traits and physical characteristics. If my husband decided he was in fact a transwoman not only would my entire marriage be based on a lie which I would find very traumatising and hard to forgive, he would be rejecting the personality and charcter traits and physical characteristics that I found appealing.

There is no other senario where a partener finds out their entire relatioship is based on a sham and they have been lied to and is expected to just grit their teeth, smile sweetly and be fine with it.

I know first hand several relationships in which this has happened without any issue at all. Nobody thought that the relationship was based on a sham to my knowledge.

You are of course free to end a relationship if someone's personality changes or if their physical attributes change; I don't think that's inherently transphobic.

SamphiretheStickerist · 22/03/2022 10:51

Strong "the gays are ok, but they should keep it to themselves" energy

What on Earth was that? You keep on with that forced teaming, don't you?

ElaineFuchs · 22/03/2022 10:50

[quote MariaOnCorrie]**@ElaineFuchs* this comment goes for anyone* posting extremely intimate matters on FB that affect other people.[/quote]
Almost everyone advertises their gender on facebook, why is a trans person saying it "extremely intimate"?

Whatwouldscullydo · 22/03/2022 10:47

And stop making the link between being gay and trans people.

In fact homosexuality and trans ideology can't really exist together can they?

How can you have sexuality at all of its based on gender not sex?

How can a hetero sexual couple actually be gay?

Its not the same thing at all.

incognitoforthisone · 22/03/2022 10:45

Just because you wouldn't be fine, it doesn't mean they're not. I'm sure your friend knows her partner and kids better than you do.

Toomanyradishes · 22/03/2022 10:45

I would leave my husband if he was trans, but that doesnt make me transphobic and its idiotic to suggest it would. I fell in love with my husband, a man, with certain personality traits and physical characteristics. If my husband decided he was in fact a transwoman not only would my entire marriage be based on a lie which I would find very traumatising and hard to forgive, he would be rejecting the personality and charcter traits and physical characteristics that I found appealing.

There is no other senario where a partener finds out their entire relatioship is based on a sham and they have been lied to and is expected to just grit their teeth, smile sweetly and be fine with it.

Whatwouldscullydo · 22/03/2022 10:44

Still nothing to say on the real homophobia which is telling girls that lesbians can have a penis?

MariaOnCorrie · 22/03/2022 10:44

@ElaineFuchs this comment goes for anyone posting extremely intimate matters on FB that affect other people.

ElaineFuchs · 22/03/2022 10:41

@MariaOnCorrie

What a prince actually posting this on FB. It should be a private thing but yet again it is all about him/her and his /her happiness.

Strong "the gays are ok, but they should keep it to themselves" energy

ElaineFuchs · 22/03/2022 10:40

@JudgeJ

If you mean that her wife or children might be themselves bigoted towards her, then that would be transphobic and should rightly be called out as such!

So all dumped wives and children have to just sit back and make no comment in case it upsets the deserter?

Yes, this exactly what I believe and have said many times. They owe their mother faithful reverence at all time, day or night she is right about 100% everything.

Whatwouldscullydo · 22/03/2022 10:40

elaine you have been.asked repeatedly not to use the work " cis"

There's no such thing. Gender is an unverified verbal declaration ams belief system. No one can identify in or our if sex, sex based oppression and illness etc

A luxury belief and first world problem.

MariaOnCorrie · 22/03/2022 10:40

What a prince actually posting this on FB. It should be a private thing but yet again it is all about him/her and his /her happiness.

ElaineFuchs · 22/03/2022 10:38

@Tubs11

If my husband came out as trans then I'm most likely going to leave him. It may be for him and I'd accept that but I don't think I'd want to be married to someone who's trans, sorry but I just don't think I would. That doesn't make me transphobic, it just confirms my herosexuality surely

I think there's a subtle difference here. If you'd leave your spouse for the sole reason that they are trans, then that's transphobic. HOWEVER If you leave them because they are not a man (and you're a hetero woman) then that's obviously fine. If you leave them because the pressure or stress of transition disrupts the relationship, then that's very sad, but not transphobic. Leaving a trans partner is not by-default transphobic.

Just because people are bound to misinterpret this: I fully reject the notion that anyone should stay in a relationship they don't want to be in.