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Original poster

AIBU? Trans friend....

609 replies

OrchardBlack · 21/03/2022 22:41

Have NC'd for this.

So a close friend of mine (female) and I booked tickets to an event in our town some time ago, due to take place in a few weeks. Both excited and looking forward to it , all good.

A few weeks ago she asks me if a male , straight friend of hers can also join, no problem, the more the merrier. I've never met him.

Except it now transpires that he has (quite suddenly from what I gather) said he is transitioning to be a woman and will use this night as his 'coming out'. He has messaged my friend saying that he's going to wear a sun dress and heels and he's nervous but excited too. He has also said we are to refer to him by his female name. My friend says he is currently in a relationship with a woman.

Now my friend is saying she is finding this all a lot to take on so suddenly as she's known him for many years as his male name and never even seen him with makeup on. I asked if he would be using the women's toilets on our night out, she doesn't know but I can only assume he is.

I feel very uncomfortable, as does my friend. I am fully supportive of people choosing to live how they wish, I just can't help feeling he's high-jacked our night. He isn't out as trans to any of his family etc so he has said no photos of the night etc. I'm also massively concerned that he is clearly still attracted to women and what this means for the safe spaces such as toilets etc.

She says she doesn't feel like she can talk to him about it and is concocting a plan to say she has covid and giving me my money back so we don't go. I'm dissapointed as I was looking forward to it.

AIBU to be deflated and a bit annoyed??

OP posts:
PinaColada123456 · 24/03/2022 05:54

@itssunnyyay

Hmm I think you're verging on being unreasonable.. you don't even know if they intend to use the women's toilets yet.. I can understand it being something that has just come out of the blue and is unexpected, but I think I'd wait to see what they're acting like on the day before I was too judgemental about it, and yes I do have strong feelings about trans women not being actual women.. but I'd maybe give them the benefit of the doubt and see whether I thought they were being narcissistic and attention seeking or if they maybe had a genuine problem that required sympathy
@itssunnyyay The fact he made the night all about himself already shows he is already narcissistic and attention-seeking, no one wears a dress and heels and decides to use the mens, get real. We all know what he intended to do. If you read the OP's latest update, it is more than clear he is self-absorbed, narcissistic, and a cross-dresser, not truly trans.
PinaColada123456 · 24/03/2022 05:49

@DuckyNoMates

Ah well they didn't want to go unless it was all about her. Hope you enjoy your night.
@DuckyNoMates All about him you mean.

@OrchardBlack OP, the fact that he made it all about himself in his message to you, didn't apologise for hijacking the night (as a PP said, you'd think any other person would be mortified) and says he has absolutely no intention of having surgery (so he is not upset with his genitals-very essence of being a male) shows he's not truly trans, he does not live as a woman, he is simply a cross dresser. I'd advise your friend to steer clear of him and end the friendship with him. He's a total narcissistic arsehole and user. Good that she found out his true colours now.

SexiestDogWalker · 23/03/2022 20:55

He can tape his dick into his bumcrack and wear his wife's dresses on his own time. This is your night out with your friend, not his chance to star in his own attention seeking drama. I would say he can get that with his own partner, but I don't think that's the kind of production he's looking to stage.

If he's not told his partner he should definitely NOT be even toying with the idea of forcing his fetish onto anyone else! The audacity of him roping you into his autogynaephilic fantasy!

Clarice99 · 23/03/2022 20:46

@Ionlydomassiveones

He sounds a typically insufferable entitled male prick. It’s amazing these men who suddenly decide they’re now ‘women’ still retain all the arrogance and self absorption of men. Wearing a summer frock and heels can’t cover that.
Absolutely this!

typically insufferable entitled male prick - sums him up perfectly.

@Susu49 You were right first time - 'HIM'. Man.

Soontobe60 · 23/03/2022 20:33

@Susu49

Um, yes I think yabu. Why can't you be happy for him?

Disclaimer: I'm aware I don't hold the same views as many in mumsnet.

Hahaha!
Leafstamp · 23/03/2022 20:26

OP, I'm really glad to read that your friend has told him to not come on this night out.

What you said here:

'My friend has also told me that he has told her that when he split up from an ex girlfriend he stole a pair of her knickers and a dress of hers and would wear it regularly in his house, and he still has them. Has also said he will never get any surgery and will just change his gym workouts to 'feminise' his body.'

  • he's ticking all the boxes for being an AGP here.
treehuggerlover · 23/03/2022 19:07

Don't cancel your night out just tell him he's not invited and he's not coming.

Ionlydomassiveones · 23/03/2022 17:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Cailleach1 · 23/03/2022 17:15

@BiscuitLover3678

What if this was a woman who was gay? Would you still be scared of her coming and using the toilet with you? So messed up.
The operative word there is woman. Same sex. Conflating being gay as being akin to being the opposite sex makes me think that some people still have great unease and discomfort about same sex attraction?
Ionlydomassiveones · 23/03/2022 16:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

itssunnyyay · 23/03/2022 16:11

Hmm I think you're verging on being unreasonable.. you don't even know if they intend to use the women's toilets yet.. I can understand it being something that has just come out of the blue and is unexpected, but I think I'd wait to see what they're acting like on the day before I was too judgemental about it, and yes I do have strong feelings about trans women not being actual women.. but I'd maybe give them the benefit of the doubt and see whether I thought they were being narcissistic and attention seeking or if they maybe had a genuine problem that required sympathy

ImAvingOops · 23/03/2022 09:03

midlifemusings, this isn't a group of friends going out together. This is someone who has invited himself along to other peoples planned evening - he doesn't even know the OP, and wants to use the occasion to launch his new self without having told his own partner or family. He's making their plans about him and asking them to collude in his deceit of his dp, who presumably the OPs friend knows. This is not on. It isn't just about a long standing friend transitioning.

I'll be honest though - I don't think people are obliged to accept someone in their life transitioning and treat them exactly the same. If they are essentially becoming someone else then their friends and partner have no history with that new someone and aren't obliged to build one!

HomeHomeInTheRange · 23/03/2022 08:50

OP: I hope you have not and will not send anyone any of your friends messages by PM.

It would be an outrageous use if your friend’s privacy, she would not expect them to be shared.
You have no idea who other posters really are.
It doesn’t prove anything anyway; anyone can set up different accounts and manufacture messages.
The only way to deal with troll hunting is to report to MNHQ.

DameHelena · 23/03/2022 08:36

Sounds a peach, doesn't he? Grin
What a strop.
Enjoy your night out, OP.

SpiderVersed · 23/03/2022 08:06

Great outcome, I’m glad you and your friend get your night out!

Ddot · 23/03/2022 08:02

Stealing pants is a vile thing to do

BuanoKubiamVej · 23/03/2022 07:38

Thanks for the update op. Really glad that you and your friend are still getting your night out, it would have been a massive shame to have to cancel to avoid the drama llama. The analogy that your friend made that it's the same as trying to make a pre-existing outing into one's own birthday or other celebration is very valid. It's not specifically about anything to do with this person's transition just their arrogance and self-centredness.

Kennykenkencat · 23/03/2022 07:35

@OrchardBlack

Oh I forgot to say. My friend has also told me that he has told her that when he split up from an ex girlfriend he stole a pair of her knickers and a dress of hers and would wear it regularly in his house, and he still has them. Has also said he will never get any surgery and will just change his gym workouts to 'feminise' his body. (He's apparently a big gym nut) I swear on my life that is what she told me he said.

So yeah there's definitely some unsavouriness to his particular transition journey, if that is indeed what he is doing.

Did your friend point out that he isn’t a trans woman, the term he needs to use is a transvestite.
DuckyNoMates · 23/03/2022 07:17

Ah well they didn't want to go unless it was all about her. Hope you enjoy your night.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/03/2022 02:17

Well, sounds like you got a good outcome there for you and your friend, and can enjoy the night without having to be support humans!

Hope you have a great time.

JacquelineCarlyle · 22/03/2022 23:54

Great outcome Op. Enjoy your night!

Hatinafield · 22/03/2022 23:37

@OrchardBlack

Ok wow this has got so many responses I couldn't respond to all of them individually. Also to clarify quickly, I posted this in FWR board and not AIBU, MNHQ didn't move it, I just didn't know what else to title it!

@JayAlfredPrufrock - I'm happy to send you the screenshots of messages between my friend and I (and the one she sent me he sent to her) if you don't believe me.

Anyway, I have an update - after ruminating on it all day, my friend decided to message him and voice her concerns. Told him about it being something we were both looking forward to for a long time and she'd feel the same if he was making it into his birthday/anniversary night. Said she's worried its not the right night for it and it would be a big step and does he want to ensure his family/friends are all at least aware first.

He has kicked off and took offence that she called it a 'girls night'. Said he had thought she would be supportive. Has asked for his money back and told us to go alone.

So that is what we are doing!

If a friend had messaged me and said “Hey, you’ve kind of hijacked some existing plans here and made them all about you”, I’d be mortified and so apologetic that I’d been self absorbed and shortsighted. The fact that he isn’t speaks volumes to me.
Quaggars · 22/03/2022 23:33

JayAlfredPrufrock - I'm happy to send you the screenshots of messages between my friend and I (and the one she sent me he sent to her) if you don't believe me

Seriously, don't do that, you're on a public forum and you have no idea who's who on here!
Not a good idea to go giving out details like that!

Ereshkigalangcleg · 22/03/2022 23:29

Good for you and your friend OP. It sounded like she handled it as sensitively as she could have done in the circumstances. Please don't get into pms with posters you don't know, you don't owe them anything. Troll hunting is against MN rules.

Enough4me · 22/03/2022 23:18

Good you have plans with your reliable friend and this won't be overshadowed.