Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

AIBU? Trans friend....

609 replies

OrchardBlack · 21/03/2022 22:41

Have NC'd for this.

So a close friend of mine (female) and I booked tickets to an event in our town some time ago, due to take place in a few weeks. Both excited and looking forward to it , all good.

A few weeks ago she asks me if a male , straight friend of hers can also join, no problem, the more the merrier. I've never met him.

Except it now transpires that he has (quite suddenly from what I gather) said he is transitioning to be a woman and will use this night as his 'coming out'. He has messaged my friend saying that he's going to wear a sun dress and heels and he's nervous but excited too. He has also said we are to refer to him by his female name. My friend says he is currently in a relationship with a woman.

Now my friend is saying she is finding this all a lot to take on so suddenly as she's known him for many years as his male name and never even seen him with makeup on. I asked if he would be using the women's toilets on our night out, she doesn't know but I can only assume he is.

I feel very uncomfortable, as does my friend. I am fully supportive of people choosing to live how they wish, I just can't help feeling he's high-jacked our night. He isn't out as trans to any of his family etc so he has said no photos of the night etc. I'm also massively concerned that he is clearly still attracted to women and what this means for the safe spaces such as toilets etc.

She says she doesn't feel like she can talk to him about it and is concocting a plan to say she has covid and giving me my money back so we don't go. I'm dissapointed as I was looking forward to it.

AIBU to be deflated and a bit annoyed??

OP posts:
SolasAnla · 21/03/2022 23:02

OrchardBlack (Un)fortunately neither sun dress nor heels have the ability to change the sexual orientation of a hetrosexual to a homosexuals.

ClaryFairchild why would a male dressed in a sun dress and heels at night in April in England be using the female toilets?

What abuse would that male have if the male enter that male toilets?

Annette32123 · 21/03/2022 23:02

@ClaryFairchild

Of course someone dressed as a woman will be using the women's toilets. I don't like to but can you imagine the abuse they will have if they enter that men's toilets?!
Why would that be the case? That’s awful.

Were that to happen, a constable should be summoned immediately to deal with the louts.

Men should definitely be able to pee in peace, whether they are dressed in combats or a sun dress. And anyone who abuses them for their attire should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

Nellle · 21/03/2022 23:00

Yes, that's literally what I said.

Sounds like OP (and OP's friend) will choose not be friends with this person based on their gender identity.

Rightsraptor · 21/03/2022 22:59

You are not being at all unreasonable. It's your night out too and it's going in a direction you aren't happy with. Why should you spend money and effort on that? Just to please this man, who you don't know. Just no. Plan something else to do with your friend, maybe in a couple of weeks because of her - ahem - Covid and don't let him know.

allmywhat · 21/03/2022 22:57

Advise your friend to steer clear. There is some reason he's selected to her to be his personal cheerleader on his "coming out" (why not his girlfriend?) He clearly has very different expectations and ideas of the friendship than she has, and also terrible boundaries.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/03/2022 22:57

@Nellle

Make your excuses. You'll be doing this person a favour by making it clear early on that you are certainly no friend to them.
OP doesn’t even know this man. She owes him nothing. Not her company or her validation.
334bu · 21/03/2022 22:57

Of course someone dressed as a woman will be using the women's toilets. I don't like to but can you imagine the abuse they will have if they enter that men's toilets?!

As Delphinium said "Not women's problem."

Triphazards · 21/03/2022 22:56

@Nellle

Make your excuses. You'll be doing this person a favour by making it clear early on that you are certainly no friend to them.
I think we're still just about allowed to choose our friends.
Alcoh · 21/03/2022 22:56

@Susu49 forgot that she was playacting for a second. Then caught herself and pulled herself back into the fiction.

HollowTalk · 21/03/2022 22:56

I couldn't do that. I wouldn't want to go out at all. I think you and your mate should go elsewhere. I think it's bloody cheeky for him to expect it actually.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/03/2022 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

BuanoKubiamVej · 21/03/2022 22:56

Bloody hell that's totally inappropriate and self-centred of this person. So they hear about your mutual friend and yourself who they don't really know, planning a night out together, and they gatecrash it to turn it into their coming out ceremony. That is so selfish.

They aren't your friend anyway so you should still be able to go. If the mutual friend doesn't feel she can come without being forced into the chief-cheerleader role against her will then you should just find some different friends to go with.

Nb there will probably be other unrelated transwomen in the loos at this event anyway. Whether or not you happen to be the friend-of-a-friend of one of them.

NewJersey · 21/03/2022 22:55

How fucking annoying. How entitled to join an already planned night out and make it all about himself. There’s no way I’d want to be anywhere near a man that invades women’s spaces and thinks he’s a woman because he wears a sun dress and heels. And that makes him excited? 🤮

Can you go with someone else?

Rainbowshit · 21/03/2022 22:54

This is very selfish of this person. They were invited along to your and your friend's night out and intend to make it all about them.

Anansiskunk · 21/03/2022 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

JulesJules · 21/03/2022 22:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Nellle · 21/03/2022 22:54

Make your excuses. You'll be doing this person a favour by making it clear early on that you are certainly no friend to them.

Lovelyricepudding · 21/03/2022 22:53

@ClaryFairchild

Of course someone dressed as a woman will be using the women's toilets. I don't like to but can you imagine the abuse they will have if they enter that men's toilets?!
If he gets abused he can always call the police. Or tut loudly, avert his eyes and move away.
Lovelyricepudding · 21/03/2022 22:52

@Susu49

Um, yes I think yabu. Why can't you be happy for him?

Disclaimer: I'm aware I don't hold the same views as many in mumsnet.

Sorry, her

Right first time. Why do you think that is?

Triphazards · 21/03/2022 22:51

@ClaryFairchild

Of course someone dressed as a woman will be using the women's toilets. I don't like to but can you imagine the abuse they will have if they enter that men's toilets?!
So he has a problem in the gents' toilet and somehow women have some sort of responsibility?
Natfemale · 21/03/2022 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

HollowedOut · 21/03/2022 22:51

@Susu49 you can be happy for someone while also being pissed off that they’re hijacking your night out with your mate and making it all about themselves.

Delphinium20 · 21/03/2022 22:50

@ClaryFairchild

Of course someone dressed as a woman will be using the women's toilets. I don't like to but can you imagine the abuse they will have if they enter that men's toilets?!
Not women's problem.
HollowedOut · 21/03/2022 22:49

@ClaryFairchild why do women have to be the ones to budge over because men are making other men unsafe? This is a guy playing dress up, should we let all those stag parties that go out dressed up as little old ladies into the women’s toilets in clubs too?

JayAlfredPrufrock · 21/03/2022 22:49

The whole scenario

Swipe left for the next trending thread