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Original poster

AIBU? Trans friend....

609 replies

OrchardBlack · 21/03/2022 22:41

Have NC'd for this.

So a close friend of mine (female) and I booked tickets to an event in our town some time ago, due to take place in a few weeks. Both excited and looking forward to it , all good.

A few weeks ago she asks me if a male , straight friend of hers can also join, no problem, the more the merrier. I've never met him.

Except it now transpires that he has (quite suddenly from what I gather) said he is transitioning to be a woman and will use this night as his 'coming out'. He has messaged my friend saying that he's going to wear a sun dress and heels and he's nervous but excited too. He has also said we are to refer to him by his female name. My friend says he is currently in a relationship with a woman.

Now my friend is saying she is finding this all a lot to take on so suddenly as she's known him for many years as his male name and never even seen him with makeup on. I asked if he would be using the women's toilets on our night out, she doesn't know but I can only assume he is.

I feel very uncomfortable, as does my friend. I am fully supportive of people choosing to live how they wish, I just can't help feeling he's high-jacked our night. He isn't out as trans to any of his family etc so he has said no photos of the night etc. I'm also massively concerned that he is clearly still attracted to women and what this means for the safe spaces such as toilets etc.

She says she doesn't feel like she can talk to him about it and is concocting a plan to say she has covid and giving me my money back so we don't go. I'm dissapointed as I was looking forward to it.

AIBU to be deflated and a bit annoyed??

OP posts:
Midlifemusings · 22/03/2022 01:25

It sounds like his coming out is just wearing a sundress and using a female name at the event. It doesn't sound like he has a band or bells and whistles or a plan to take over the night. He doesn't need to be in any pictures you take - anyone can choose to not be in pictures of a night out.

I don't really get the outrage because he wants to wear a dress. Who cares - let him wear what he wants.

BlueSummerBaby · 22/03/2022 00:59

@Earlydancing

I'd be fed up if I were you too. Not because of any toilet issue but because an evening you were looking forward to will now be all about a person you've never even met and their, understandably for them, heady experience of wearing women's clothing in public for the first time And they're even forbidding you from taking photos. But I don't know how you get out of it without being rude.
Considering this friend of a friend is being rude by gatecrashing someone else's night out to make it a coming out ceremony, I see no need for OP or her friend to take measures to avoid being rude when informing this person that his new plan doesn't work for them, that they'll be taking photos if they wish and posting to social media, that they're not interested in being part of any coming out ceremony.

OP I noticed that your friend's friend chose to inform her of the intention to use the evening to come out in public after you'd both agreed he could come with you. I'd be telling you friend you still want to go with her and to tell him his plans are not what you both agreed to. Although I'm guessing she may flake on you if you say you still want to go, so it might be better to accept the refund from her. I'm going to guess he chose to involve her for his coming out because he knows she's a soft touch who won't say no when backed into a corner. YANBU to be annoyed and disappointed if you miss out on the event because your friend lacks assertiveness and her friend is a dickhead.

MariaOnCorrie · 22/03/2022 00:55

@Susu49

Sorry, her
Oops 😂
overnightangel · 22/03/2022 00:50

@ClaryFairchild

Of course someone dressed as a woman will be using the women's toilets. I don't like to but can you imagine the abuse they will have if they enter that men's toilets?!
Oh well we should let them use the ladies then lest their poor feels get hurt Hmm BiscuitEnvy
AnnesBrokenSlate · 22/03/2022 00:32

Just tell your friend to tell the transwoman that they can't come. Tell your friend to blame you eg you only want it to be her; there's something you need to discuss; you'd actually bought two tickets for something - whatever you want.
It's cheeky of them to try to commandeer someone else's night out.

Laniania · 22/03/2022 00:32

If a man wants to attack a woman in the toilet, he doesn’t need to wear a dress to magically get into the ladies room.

But we are now no longer supposed to challenge anyone, of any appearance or presentation, for being there. So if a man wants to attack a woman in the women's toilets, it's getting very easy for him, isn't it? No-one's allowed to ask him to leave.

RobertSmithsLipstick · 22/03/2022 00:29

I'd be pissed off that someone I didn't know had changed the dynamics of the night out.
If he is coming out as a woman, I would have imagined his live in partner would be the person he should be with, not someone he has never even met before.

Changeee15467 · 22/03/2022 00:26

It's irrelevant that they are trans. The issue is that someone you do not know is taking over your night out. Which is not on.

sophienelisse · 22/03/2022 00:24

Take what pics you like. Clearly Don't include him or post anything of him but just get on with your
Night without him

sophienelisse · 22/03/2022 00:22

Go to the night. Do what you like at the
Night. Don't tag him. Anything after that is up to him

MichelleScarn · 22/03/2022 00:19

@SolasAnla nope, totally lost now!

bridgetreilly · 22/03/2022 00:19

I think your friend needs to say that while you’re both happy for him to do whatever he wants, that wasn’t quite what you’d planned for your fun night out together with each other. You can wish him well and say you’ll see him another time.

Gasandpair · 22/03/2022 00:18

This doesn’t even need to be about gender/coming out etc. Imagine instead it was this person’s birthday and they were coming along to someone else’s already arranged night out (half of whom they’ve never met) and making it into their birthday celebration. Therefore effectively making a complete stranger celebrate their birthday and hijacking the night out. It’s just rude.

WalrusSubmarine · 22/03/2022 00:14

I would have a problem with planning a fun night out with a friend to do a specific thing and then finding it reimagined by a friend of a friend I’d never met with a very different agenda. I’d feel the same because my nights out are more precious these days. If it was someone who’d just left their partner and wanted a single experience. If it was someone who’d was looking for a massive all nighter. If it was someone’s long lost aunt that had turned up. Anything that makes me anticipate a more emotional night than a fun one would be reconsidered.

SolasAnla · 22/03/2022 00:14

@MichelleScarn

So it a wedding you here in Scotland I wear a jumpsuit, I go in the blokes, and all the blokes in the Army no1s which are kilts go in the ladies? Granny will not be amused!
How very sexist ageist judgemental of you.

I have seen many a trendy Grann (no y!) Boping it on the dance floor in (non leopard print) skinny jeans.

Sapphireskies · 22/03/2022 00:11

I wouldn't be comfortable either. Maybe you could just be honest and say you just wanted a chill night out.

Enough4me · 22/03/2022 00:09

I'd cancel, this is now clearly about a man seeking attention rather than a genuine friend's evening out.

DdraigGoch · 22/03/2022 00:08

@ClaryFairchild

Of course someone dressed as a woman will be using the women's toilets. I don't like to but can you imagine the abuse they will have if they enter that men's toilets?!
No one in the men's toilets is paying any attention to what other men are wearing. Particularly given that someone wearing a dress will need to (for practical reasons) slip into a cubicle, rather than stand at a urinal. So all of the abuse you're imagining will stay in your imagination.

Even if it were true (it isn't), women are not support humans for non-conforming males. Women have the right to privacy and dignity.

zen1 · 22/03/2022 00:06

I would just cancel. Arrange to go out with your friend another time. You are under no obligation to spend time with someone you don’t want to spend time with (and who you have never even met!). You don’t have to play a part in someone else’s fantasies if you don’t want to.

MichelleScarn · 22/03/2022 00:05

Ooo @Fernandina join me in the rebel alliance... 😆

Fernandina · 22/03/2022 00:03

Its some kind of dress code apparently.

Dress in a dress go in the door with a pic of a dress.

Dress in trousers go in the door with the pic of trousers.

Oh shit, I wear trousers all the time...

MichelleScarn · 22/03/2022 00:03

'In a wedding up here' !... what's going on with things tonight!

TheMarzipanDildo · 22/03/2022 00:02

@ClaryFairchild

Of course someone dressed as a woman will be using the women's toilets. I don't like to but can you imagine the abuse they will have if they enter that men's toilets?!
I don’t think that’s necessarily true. I have a male friend who would think nothing of walking into the men’s loos in a dress and heels. And has done just that.

If it IS true it’s very depressing. Some blokes need to sort themselves out if they would bully a gnc man for being in their own toilets!

Anyway, this person sounds self obsessed OP.

Weatherwax13 · 22/03/2022 00:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MichelleScarn · 22/03/2022 00:02

So it a wedding you here in Scotland I wear a jumpsuit, I go in the blokes, and all the blokes in the Army no1s which are kilts go in the ladies?
Granny will not be amused!