AIBU? Trans friend....

Does this really need to explained?

Synchrony, so what if it’s “not a big deal” for you to share toilets with men. You don’t get to throw away single sex spaces for the vast majority of women for whom it IS a big deal.
Are you happy that orthodox Jewish women, Muslim women, traumatised women with a history of rape or abuse, and every woman who values her privacy and dignity, would be excluded from public life by having no single sex lavatory available for them?

A sundress and heels in April? At night? Honestly, if you want to dress up as a woman then fine, but at least do us the courtesy of doing a bit of research first.

@Synchrony So because it's "not a wedding", that means the OP and friend get their boundaries over-ridden and their hospitality thrown in their faces? Do you really think so little of women, that you think only a significant event would warrant pushing back over an entitled and privileged male stomping all over a night out and making it all about themselves? Really?

And wake up, he doesn't want photos because he is deceiving his partner. We all all know it. He is bolshy and arrogant as fuck, he clearly doesn't care otherwise, it's just that he is doing this behind his partner's back. If you support such male privileged abusive deception, that says more about you than anyone else.

The line about being attracted to women makes you worried about her using the womens loos… do you think lesbians attack women in loos?

I would uninvite him if you think it will spoil your night. It was originally meant to be just you and your friend until your friend invited him (her?!). You can still enjoy a nice night out, just the two of you. Why cancel something you've had planned and been looking forward to just to cancel it because one person is having a massive identity crisis and won't let you take photos of YOUR night out he has hijacked.

They're saying that you don't automatically think that lesbians are attracted to you/will sexually assault you because they fancy other women.

Even if an individual lesbian did, Quaggars, which they very likely don't, as 98% of sex crime is committed by male people, lesbians are female, and have as much rights to use women's toilets as any other female person. Men do not, even if they are the most wonderful woman supportive men on the planet. Because toilets are segregated by sex.

Trans issue aside, it sounds like a shite night out that's been totally hijacked by a narcissistic drama queen that you haven't even met. Leave them to it. You've got Covid or something.

[quote MichelleScarn]@SolasAnla nope, totally lost now![/quote]
@MichelleScarn

Random thought process
Utube had randomly served me up this gem of Gurry leopard print

Along with this

All the skinny legs modelling 😁
But Tina is 82!!

m.imdb.com/name/nm0877913/

As to the photos this is nonsense. If this was a woman coming out of an abusive relationship who needed to avoid photos of her online for her own safety, no one would claim she was ‘hijacking the night out’ by asking for no photos of her.

This woman is not saying no photos - just none with her. That’s the right of anyone who goes on a night out for any reason. OP doesn’t have some god given right to take a photo of someone and post it online just because she’s on a night out with them. And it’s not unreasonable for someone to ask her not to do that.

As for the photos, I read it as didn't want any photos taken of them, but didn't say anything about not taking any photos of the night at all.
As in just take photos of you and the original friend you were going out with, and don't take any of other friend at all.
Just like you would with anyone else who didn't want their photo taken.

Some men (but of course not necessarily this one) get a thrill from the idea of themselves as a female. It's called Autogynephilia. Of course, no one can be sure of anyone else's motivations for believing themselves to be the opposite sex. For some it is gender disphoria, an uncomfortableness in their own sexed body. I would be very wary OP. You might unwittingly become part of a person's fetish. - Have I worded this in a way that will not cause Mumsnet to delete?!?

The friend who wants to join the night out dressed as a woman probably thought he would get some support from his friend and the OP. Maybe he thinks it might be easier to try out dressing in women's clothes in the company of people who don't know him that well but I agree with many others here I don't think it's the occasion to do so. It will change the dynamic completely. He needs to try out the sundress and heels in public with his friends only first.

There is no such thing as gender identity.

Their choice not to be friends with this bloke if they do so choose must be based on something else.

-- His selfishness and apparent narcissism, perhaps?

I've used mixed sex toilets. They all had cubicles. It was not a big deal.

Using mixed sex toilets with floor to ceiling doors is not the same as stall toilets in a nightclub or bar with big gaps and broken locks etc, and mixed sex loos can be intimidating and unpleasant if you are alone and you have to walk past a drunk lairy man to get to a cubicle.

So how can people see and be disgusted by this (rightly) but can't see when it comes to transphobia?

What is transphobic about not wanting males in women's spaces?

I wouldn’t be up for this, it’s one thing being joined by a friend of a friend you don’t know, another participating in their ‘coming out’ etc.

I would either accept the money back from my friend or keep my own ticket and go to the event alone and let your friend decide what to do as regards herself and her friend.

It's simple really. Have a little look in your pants. If you've got a woman's genitals then you go in the women's toilet. If you have that penis thing you go in the men's toilet. It doesn't matter how lacy your pants are or how high your heels, you have a penis. Please take it out of our spaces. We dont want to have to accept it/ put up with it/ accept the risk you pose. We don't have to be pushed into being 'çool girl' about it. These are our spaces. Please do not invade them.

I despair. Female socialisation to “be nice” is apparently so suffocating that OP and PPs have agonised for 13 pages on this thread about how to politely say No to narcissistic male entitlement!
OP, Just say NO. It’s a complete sentence, as MNetters are fond of pointing out. You owe nobody any explanation, justification or excuse. Least of all an entitled misogynist narcissist who wishes you to be an accessory in his fantasy behind his partner’s back.

"I've never seen someone get a kick out of watching a lady use the loo tbh."

I have. I had a male "friend" (very occasional fwb over the years, but he knew I was dating someone else at the time), who I rarely drank with, who when we did have a drink one night (quite a lot in his case), barged in, while I was just starting to pee, and started to unzip himself, while asking for a bj/for me to fulfil a fantasy of his. It's as well I have good muscle control down there, I was able to stop peeing, fixed myself, shoved him away, gathered my stuff and ran like fuck!

If I were you, and friend had said that their friend, was going to wear a sundress and heels, but left it at that, I wouldn't be bothered at all. It's the "I'm really a woman, you have to use female pronouns, watch me encroach on female spaces, without saying a word" that boils my piss. Like being a woman is akin to wearing a costume, that's all there is to it (a costume that actual women can't take off). Oh and the hijacking your night, to make it all about them is a dick move (instead of planning their own separate night to make their debut).

I used this analogy with my ds recently, if someone took a pony, dyed it's hair black, painted it with black and white stripes, and said it was now a zebra, does that mean it really is a zebra now?

it’s pretty crap of this person to put caveats on your night out,, I wouldn’t change my plans. I would make it clear that it’s not their ‘coming out’ party, photos will be taken and possibly posted on SM, it’s their choice if they want to be included in photos.
Secondly, don’t make the night about them, acknowledging it’s a big step for him/ her doesn’t mean it has to take over the night, that will only happen if you allow it too.
Thirdly, the toilet thing., I don’t think it will be an issue, yes it will be strange but we know what it’s like after a few drinks .no one will care and if they do.. let he/ she handle it.
You could end up having a great time, with a few interesting stories to tell and memories made… just go have fun!