Email from teacher: Child has come out as non binary

I've stolen this from another thread currently on AIBU from a poster @Mangyinseam with a similar experience OP:
We sought counseling for mainly anxiety. I was a bit worried about this because I was afraid of the psychologist taking an affirmation approach but we did attempt to find someone unlikely to do that.

We didn't really entertain the requests for name changes/pronoun changes or the request for a binder. For a while it was hugely contentious. But we were very clear that it was not possible to change sex; that it was important to try and make peace with our own body and that it is very normal to feel uncomfortable with it and changing social roles during puberty; that binders were not healthy physically or a healthy way to deal with our bodies; that name changing was something that could be done legally in adulthood if desired but not sooner; and that things like pronouns didn't really change who you are or how people think about you, but they were an imposition on others.

Part of my reasoning on this is that I think it is normal and probably necessary for teens to struggle with who they are and also their physicality - identity struggles are normal and so are feelings of disassociation and disembodiment. Part of coming to terms with that involves integrating the things we are born with - our sex, our family, our physical body, and coming to inhabit these facets of reality even if sometimes they aren't what we would choose. Pulling out those things as if they are things we choose will actually impede kid's ability to build a solid sense of self, it becomes like trying to keep water in a sieve.

My child seems to have largely come out of the other side of this now though it was intense for a while. One other element was somewhat reducing her contact with people pushing it, both IRL and online

Lots of other thoughtful posts on the thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4492618-Pre-teen-daughter-suddenly-identifying-as-non-binary?reverse=1.

@FannyCann, Bloody hell! I've just read that article, and I am truly shocked. I can't find the words. How glib, get rid of your tits and all will be well!

*ROGD webinar

I would say no to pronouns/name as it's social transtion which has psychological impact.
I've said no to my yr7. I could not love and value her any more than I do.
I know full well why she is feeling discord with her physical body.
Look at Genspect - good webinar on rigs on their conferences page; Transgender Trend. Bayswater Support Group for parents are very good.
Also Safe Schools Alliance.
I'll come back again once I have more time.

Every single teacher who glibly tells children "they can get surgery" needs to be forced to read this. And it's mostly about mastectomies and barely touches on the horrors of phalloplasty.

lilymaynard.com/wielding-the-sidhbh-gallagher/

I would thank the school for asking you and say you're taking a short period to think about it and request no official announcement from them in that time.

Ask the school how many children and ask your child how many peers are doing the same.

According to my 14 year old (S3 in Scotland) "all the girls in my year are non-binary or trans" and when I asked his 17 year old sister (S6) who is a far better observer than ds, she said about half of the girls in that year are calling themselves trans or non-binary, hang out in a group during breaks (all with what she calls "girl mullets"). There are four girls claiming to be trans in her year but that is a much smaller number of kids in the final year.
I would ask my child what they think 'non-binary" means to them as a start.

And it’s also not the child’s decision as to how others refer to that child when the child isn’t present, which is what a 3rd person pronoun like they or them does. I would educate the child about this: that they may feel “non-binary” but they have no say in compelling others how they speak. It’s an important life lesson, something a good number of adults need to learn at the moment. I would tell the child they can ask their friends to do whatever they want, but a 12 year old doesn’t get to control the language of grown ups.

I would also tell the child that it’s important that the school remain very clear on what sex the child is - I’ll wager female - so they can appropriately safeguard and protect the child in the correct environment. And I would tell the teacher “thank you for bringing this to my attention. Please continue to refer to my child as the sex that he/she is in your own time, and continue to be aware of such sensitivity around this.”

And finally I would block TikTok, Discord, YouTube etc.

I find this has been a successful strategy. The idea that 12/13 year olds get to order adults around is nonsense. Put some boundaries in place. It’s perfectly possible to say “I don’t care how you identify, you do you, I love you, but you don’t get to tell me or your teachers what to do and how to speak.”

I don't think the form tutor should have emailed you at all. It's nothing to do with you and is entirely your child's decision. They should be asking your child, not you, if it's ok to inform teachers.

Ask the school how many children and ask your child how many peers are doing the same.

Separately ask the school and child to outline what has been covered in lessons. Check for indoctrination.

Explain to the school that youre concerned that he doesn’t quite understand that he won’t physically be able to change sex with periods, giving birth.

Agree to a change of pronouns in year 8 after counselling has been undertaken first. He will need a deeper internal analysis before taking that step and this will require an independent professional. A counsellor. Changing pronouns now could potentially add a layer of peer pressure and complication which may make things more difficult to work through.

Studies show many reasons for some to identify out of their body - awkward puberty, sexual abuse, autism, trauma, peer or parental pressure when individuals are different.

Get independent counselling. Avoid stonewall links.

Get to the root of things. Why does he think he’s non binary? Does it boil down to gender stereotypes, because there’s a myth about boys having to be HEman and girls having to be Barbie.

Present factual information with proper links about not being able to physically change sex.