Email from teacher: Child has come out as non binary

I hope all this BS is out of fashion by the time my kids are teenagers.

I’m not sure there’s anything you can do bar listen, watch and wait. I think the last thing I’d do is dig my heel in and go against their wishes. Simply because I think it would entrench their mindset. So I’d try my hardest to make sure they couldn’t get their hands on any hormones or binders, let their puberty progress (hopefully without any medical interventions) and see where we were at the end of it.

I would also nod along with the school because I’ve heard some horror stories of social services getting involved if you don’t.

I have two friends where they found out the school changed enrollment without them, the parents, knowledge.

I've heard of this a number of times but I don't understand how those schools don't face serious consequences.

There is arguably some legal basis for this with students who are close to 16 YO but anything younger clearly breaks data legislation on young people- which schools take seriously.

This is the latest fad sweeping across teenagers and left unchecked can have serious consequences. Of course the parents need to know. It's basic safeguarding. Would you want your 11/12 year old to be enabled by the school to be caught up by an ideology that has the potential to cause them serious harm.

And don't you dare say that this is them finding their authentic self. This is a craze that's totally out of hand right now.

Agreed that school have not handled this at all well.

The school has handled it well in that they have listened to the student but also reached out to discuss with parents. I have two friends where they found out the school changed enrollment without them, the parents, knowledge. That has caused a great deal of extra stress for those families.

An attempt to manipulate pronouns is an attempt to control how other people see you. Identifying as 'non binary' is an attempt to duck out of sexist stereotypes altogether, to signal that one wants no part in having certain prejudices ascribed to oneself due to sex.

It's an understandable impulse, given how damaging sexist stereotypes can be, but it doesn't actually work.

Whatever your pronouns, you will be seen on the basis of your sex in every way which matters. We're evolved to recognise sex; pretty fundamental to a species with our method of reproduction. You can't identify out of periods, or pregnancy risk, or any of the other bodily issues specific to females.

I would maybe try to do some active listening to try and ascertain why your child feels they wish to opt out of their sex.

A teacher pulling the stunt you recommend could easily face misconduct proceedings.

OP

You have been given some excellent advice already. You are certainly not alone and I also agree that you should ask around about how many of your child’s friends are also making this declaration.

In my child’s instance, although they were 14 at the time, it was 5 out of the 7 of them. At least a couple were ‘transboys’. While I am not making assumptions about your child’s mental health, each of those 5 had very poor mental health. My own child’s mental health was also very poor. However, my teen recognised that the aggressive focus on LGBT issues and mental health was actually feeding their own poor mental health.

They recognised this in their own time and on their own terms without me saying much about it directly to them. They distanced themselves from that group and have noticed their mental health has been so much better. Even though at the moment they have very few friends.

What is very distressing though, is hearing this group discuss their previous selves (ie. Themselves just last year) as ‘soooo transphobic’ or ‘homophobic’ like they are self-flagellating themselves (and adding to their poor mental health). And telling each other that lesbians had to ‘do duck’ if it was trans or nb dick.

Now, there will be posters that come along on this thread who deny that young lesbians are saying this. But having witnessed it in action, it is happening. And it is causing a great deal of distress to those who don’t wish to entertain the issue.

Good luck OP. I hope you find your way through as a family.

How do I respond to this?

I'd respond with absolutely fucking not.

Social transition is a psychiatric treatment which should only occur under appropriate medical supervision. The GIDS guidance on this is here:
gids.nhs.uk/parents/advice/social-transition-younger-children

Amateurs randomly pissing around with kids identity is a terrible idea. Personally I would be speaking to the head about what the schools policy is.

Agreed that school have not handled this at all well. I’d be another voice for saying delay and counselling. There’s a lot of identity talk and negotiation in Y7 and kids are under such pressure. Making a space for you and your child to talk through as you have done is so much more important than getting a child to sort out bloody pronouns. I’m startled (maybe shouldn’t be) that the school led with this and I’d be questioning, given the casual text you received, how well your DC understands what social transitioning means.
Sympathies to you. It doesn’t get easier does it!

All of which is not to say to your child that you don’t accept them, but they are an adolescent, a time for exploring and you don’t want them to get stuck in one place.

V much been there - do DM me

www.transgendertrend.com/childhood-social-transition/ food for thought from an psychologist

*whole year groups - not while

Specifically humans cannot change sex and surgery has serious consequences.

It is shocking @loislovesstewie

Unfortunately use of twee euphemisms like "top surgery" means people have no understanding what this involves.

Freddy McConnell, (a trans man who identifies as a seahorse and has been through the courts - unsuccessfully - seeking the right to be named as Father on the birth certificates of the babies Freddy has given birth to,) appears not to have understood that having top surgery would mean an inability to breast feed in the future.

When while year groups adopt a non binary or trans identity it can hardly be clearer that this is a fashion/social contagion. The risks for those that get sucked in should not be underestimated and teachers should stick to teaching facts.

I realise you’re either protecting your child by hiding his or her sex, or trying to comply with his or her request, but I think for the purposes of an anonymous thread on Mumsnet, it would be quite helpful to know your child’s sex. Girls tend to be much more susceptible to peer pressure than boys, for example.

I’m going to respond with how I might react had this been my daughter.

I wouldn’t be too worried about the claim to be non-binary, assuming you have a daughter, and assuming she’s otherwise well-balanced and sensible. Pretty sure I’d have adopted that label when I was that age, had it been available. I reckon it’s a fad most will grow out of. If there’s any progression towards binders or any other bodily harm, I would strongly discourage any such move, with reminders that she might need her breasts later, even if she doesn’t feel like it now.

I would be more worried about the fact that your child has the false belief that people can change sex. I think I’d be attempting to address that with the school.

I would perhaps try to find out where your child has sourced that information. If it’s at school, not so bad (though awful that the school is propagating such nonsense). If she’s online on Tumblr, or one of those similar sites where indoctrination tends to progress, I think I’d be more worried.

At home, I think I’d make it clear I loved my child, but would reject any calls to change name or use nonsensical pronouns. If she showed any signs of genuine distress or progression, I would attempt to find a gender critical counselling service.

From what you’ve said, it sounds to me like a fad, similar to becoming a goth would have been when we were young. If the school want to go along with the nonsense, I’d probably not interfere. I would, however, ask to see their teaching materials on the subject and ask why your daughter thinks people can change sex, because that really is dangerous nonsense.

When my dd went through this (and it was a big deal to her, she was distressed and shaking) I gave her a version of the 'shit sandwich': anything that was negative or not what she wanted was sandwiched between positive, loving, accepting statements. The main sandwiched statement was that I told her that I could not use non-feminine pronouns to describe her because pronouns were about how the speaker perceived the world. But for the next few months I avoided referring to dd using gendered language when speaking with her or around her. I accepted her feelings about herself.

The teacher was absolutely right to talk to you about your child.

This is the sort of post that makes me believe what I used to see as half-baked conspiracy theories that Russia is sowing discord and trying to break down western society.

@GoingtoGlasgow Check if she's been going to an lgbtq+ 'club' at school? These are everywhere and seem to be mostly pupil-led and for us a root of pressure for the children in my dd's yr to define their 'identity' and sexuality - at 11/12.
It's astonishing the environment in schools now.
I would suggest checking out the RSE materials too.

Get them off the internet immediately.
What indoctrination is happening at school? At my dd's school there are constant pride events and teachers pushing it.
The school is responsible for this along with the internet.
Please contact Transgender Trend.