Email from teacher: Child has come out as non binary

No one is trying to convince lesbian and gay children they are straight. They are trying to protect children.

@Goatsaregreat
“Trans issues should be irrelevant to Year 7 children who should be focusing on learning, growing, peer relationships, hobbies, playing sport, being a daughter, sister and family member and all the rest.

Adults insistent on sexualising children (...) are the problem.”

How are you any different from a homophobe using this exact argument against accepting gay children?

Could you please link us up to the studies and the peer reviewed statistics that show exactly how many of our children will remain trans and non-binary into adulthood? And even further, it middle age?

Could you please show us the current diagnosis tools to tell the difference between a child or a teen experimenting and trying to conform to their peers vs one that will not desist?

Can you actually understand the magnitude of what is happening with our youth at the moment and that there are harmful elements?

One of those harmful elements is ‘affirming only’ care. Would you like to link up the studies from the past 18 months l that show that affirming only care is right and appropriate for all children and teens who are declaring they have a trans or non-binary identity?

We will wait. We have been patiently waiting now for a long time. And actually, the Tavistock couldn’t find any that were compelling either, come to think of it.

Or… do you have your own prejudice that is motivating your posts? One where you cannot see anything beyond that?

I am keen to find that research though. Please do link it up. We can also link up the papers and the research that is showing that there are issues to affirming only. Which you are the one advocating for on this thread.

And also, all of this is for them to explore, not you. Children aren't your property. Stop trying to dictate what others "should" be.

Adults weaponising 11/ 12 year old children like this are the problem.

Trans issues should be irrelevant to Year 7 children who should be focusing on learning, growing, peer relationships, hobbies, playing sport, being a daughter, sister and family member and all the rest.
Adults insistent on sexualising children and engaging in toxic debates about lesbians accepting penis are the problem.
The OP posted a question about safeguarding, parental responsibility and a school exceeding its authority in trying to socially transition a child as "non binary". She's received some thoughtful constructive responses.

And also, all of this is for them to explore, not you. Children aren't your property. Stop trying to dictate what others "should" be.

How exactly am I twisting anything here?

A "support thread" that amounts to “oh no my child thinks they're gay, how can I convince them to be straight instead”, but for trans and non-binary people instead.

Other posters have made the point that many girls who they declare they are trans or non binary are actually lesbians. This possibility should always be explored with these girls. Do you not agree that these girls should be supported to be happy with their sexuality rather than rushing to trans away the gay?

And there you go twisting this to your own agenda again!!

You are the epitome of kindness, aren’t you?

You're just angry that people take issue with your unsolicited commentary on trans people's sex and gender.

You see someone say “being a lesbian is not strictly defined by genitals, some lesbians have dicks” and you instantly think this is directly "pressuring" every single lesbian into personally having sex with someone with a dick.

It's not.

@Helleofabore
^“Do you feel good coming onto what amounts to a support thread and abusing the parent here?

So kind…. And you are obviously on the ‘right side of history’ too!”^

A "support thread" that amounts to “oh no my child thinks they're gay, how can I convince them to be straight instead”, but for trans and non-binary people instead.

McScreamy

Please please please go through your child's internet usage with a fine tooth comb. Put parental controls in place and really limit the scope of what they can search for etc.

My eldest ASD son came out as transgender very suddenly at 15/16. We spent 2-3 years on suicide watch and then totally out of the blue the police raided our house the day after he turned 19. Long story short he was convicted of having around 1500 images depicting animal based sex offences with children ( school girls) and has a 10 year SPO and is on the sex offenders register for ten years too.

The overwhelming majority of the material was animated hentaii . Turned out that he's been groomed as a young pre teen to believe he was actually a trans/sissified lesbian girl. This all happened on Reddit, discord and places like that. I was absolutely horrified. Obviously he was banned from the internet after the police seized his computer and the entire "trans" thing stopped within 3-4 months of the external influence of the internet. After a few years of counselling and therapy he's absolutely porn free and is trying to get over the Trauma of what he went through as a teen.

These things can very easily escalate and there is a reason we say it's a cult. Now it's normalised and in main stream schools it's only going to get worse.

Of course, many of the girls declaring themselves trans are lesbians.

Sure, many trans girls are lesbians, but certainly not in the way you think.

Are you going to explain what you mean here @Lekisa658?

When you say 'trans girls' do you mean girls who declare that they are trans (as in the post you were replying to) or male children who identify as trans?

I don’t think agreement or approval from the teacher is implied, necessarily. And I assume they have assumed discussion would be had upon reading this email.

You are making a lot of assumptions considering we haven't seen the wording of the email. But this is what the OP told us:

They would like permission from me to tell the subject teachers to use the pronouns they/them.

I've assumed the 'they' who want permission is the teacher. If so, this teacher has decided that this is what they want to do. Otherwise they would suggest discussion between child and parents, and if changes were to be considered, further discussion between the parents and the school.

Sure, many trans girls are lesbians, but certainly not in the way you think.

And young lesbians are being pressured into doing dick by their peers. I have watched the conversations happen. This is happening.

You ok with that? Quite comfortable that not one lesbian is being harmed in this forced redefinition of the word?

Quite comfortable that young lesbians are being pressured into having sex with males that they don’t want in the name of being ‘inclusive’?

So kind…. And you are obviously on the ‘right side of history’ too!

At this stage I would simply respect their wishes but have gentle discussions at home emphasising it's fine to present as non binary but gender reassignment is drugs and plastic surgery that change your appearance but doesn't make you the opposite sex, you can't change your chromosomes.

Explain she should dress and act how she feels comfortable and not feel she has to conform to female gender stereotypes, you can still be a woman and present more neutral visually

What the teacher has said here is 'Your child wants to do this. I agree, do you give your permission?'

It should be 'Your child wants to do this. Please talk to them and let the school know what you want to do.'

I don’t think agreement or approval from the teacher is implied, necessarily. And I assume they have assumed discussion would be had upon reading this email. I’d be reassured the school recognised they needed my permission as a parent, actually.

OP, I don’t agree with gender as a construct so non-binary is pointless to me but in this instance (Year 7) I’d want to keep dialogue open and not shut down anything so I’d agree to the pronoun change (as it’s largely pointless but obviously important to your DC) but I’d probably also have a conversation with school about ‘watchful waiting’ and scepticism in general and a balanced view on gender issues. I’d want to know their training and support as well - whose philosophy are they buying into?

Op I think your initial response was the right one, acceptance, not disappointment. My ds is gay and has several NB friends. They’re all lovely (shy) kids that clearly reject gender stereotypes and straight male attention. The labels work for them and help them to express themselves. I would always aim to be a parent your child goes to rather than hides from.

Received email from form tutor (Yr 7 if it matters) saying DC has spoke to them in confidence saying they are non binary. They would like permission from me to tell the subject teachers to use the pronouns they/them.

It seems to me that the school has overstepped the mark with their email. They should have suggested to the child to talk to their parents about this. The only thing that should have been said in a communication between school and parents would be to mention that the child had spoken to their teacher about it.

By asking permission to do something (pronoun changes) without further discussion with the parents is taking away the parents' autonomy as primary carers for their child. The school (much less a single teacher as seems to be the case here) has no authority to do this.

What the teacher has said here is 'Your child wants to do this. I agree, do you give your permission?'

It should be 'Your child wants to do this. Please talk to them and let the school know what you want to do.'

NitroNine
“There is absolutely a logic to seeing claiming non-binary [trans]* identity as a way to obtain privilege & protection: it moves you away from being one of “The Cis”, who are openly mocked, derided, & villainised; & it affords you special status. Please don’t misunderstand me, I’m not saying I think you have some horrible child on a power &/or manipulation trip; rather, my concern is very much that they may have been made to feel so powerless that they are now frantically trying to find a way to protect themselves.“

A de-transitioner called Helena (whose article I posted earlier about what influences had led her to believe she was trans aged 15) wrote about the stigma among peers of being ‘cishet’.