Husband transitioning help!

but it's the wrong sort of support
Seeing as it is a support link will be interesting to see if it is allowed to stay

Thinking practically op try and protect yourself. How is he paying for the transition? Can you get a legal document drawn up so you don't loose out in any future divorce as he's spent it on his new body? Will he be paying for councellig for you and your child to work through all o this? How else will this impact your life and how can he make that up to you? Don't let him make this all about him. You are being more thaand understanding and

Even if the partner does decide to leave [which I am not saying isn't an option, only OP knows what's a deal breaker], starting with hatred, aggression and baseless accusations of sexual perversion rarely helps.

@EeelCouldRipATissue

Ah, but it's the wrong sort of support.

mermaidsuk.org.uk/ - helped my friend when the person she married transitioned. They are the most dedicated and lovely couple still. I knew so little when they both announced it, but they could be the poster couple for trans in marriage.

I hope you find your way forward through this, OP. My friend was scared and sad and hurt, but they are so happy, both of them.

I might actually flag this thread to her so she can add, if she feels relevant.

@EeelCouldRipaTissue

Thanks. Op sounds a lot better person than many of her so-called supporters

Wonder what that tells you about the "support" you are going to get
Yep, you can't point that out.
Which is why I quoted the link someone posted saying the same as you as saw yours deleted and thought there's might too.
Seeing as it's a support link MN, surely that bit can at least stay?

He isn't kind, he's wasted your time and stolen your youth for his own selfish reasons. He's lied to you and selfishly brought a kid into the world in difficult circumstances. The time is to think only of yourself and not waste any more mental energy on this creep. I've been there, going through it is awful but coming out the other side is true freedom. Please put yourself first and foremost. Good luck and good wishes

www.transgenderpartners.com would serve you better given your OP. It's a US site so some stuff won't be relevant, but there will be folk to talk to

Copying the link just in case your post goes
Seeing as she's already got links to the widows one and said it's not really the perspective she's after, hopefully given the rest of your post this might be another another alternative showing people who don't automatically leave and explains about life afterwards which sounds more like what she's after

Well that's interesting. MN has deleted my posts pointing out that hostility to transpeople is common here and is not going to help you.
Wonder what that tells you about the "support" you are going to get.

You can also join via face book Straight Partners Association (SPA) its a UK based group for those whose partners or ex partners are gay or have gender dysphoria. They have a separate bit for those whose partners are trans they are non judgmental and very supportive PM me if you want more details.

Tinsel knows this inside out. For a reason. She doesn't need to be told.

She knows the dark side of this, that no one wants to hear or is willing to publish.

I'm worried that transitioning won't help him feel better and he will be absolutely lost. I also realize that despite what caused the desire to transition doesn't change the fact that he wants to. He said he wanted to be a girl from as long as he can remember himself.

I think you've hit the nail on the head here: the transwomen I know have a lot of other issues - depression is a common thread for all of them.

The thing is - as much as he doesn't want to be a man - this does not mean he can "become" a woman. He just can't, and what I see from transwomen friends is that they realise this, and so their depression actually intensifies ...

Also - don't ever let hm gaslight you into denying your sexuality, and your preference in being attracted to him as a man, his physical male body.

Good luck you sound lovely @LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin but you need to look after yourself.

Women and girls are socialised to look after others, to see ourselves in relation to others. Please don't lose yourself - as other PPs have said, you might be well advised to start separation & divorce now.

But I suppose I'm also fascinated to know what men think when they think they want to be women? Just because he may be very ill at ease with maleness and masculinity, this really doesn't mean he's a woman. He just can't change sex; and he actually can't change the socialisation & conditioning he's received since birth (often before!)

Also fascinated to know if his transition will mean he'll do:

• majority of the emotional labour to maintain your family & your relationship
• majority of the housework
• majority of the mental load of running the home & family

hmmmmm

"This is just not what happens in the current climate of affirmative treatment unfortunately. Transitioners don't spend time having thorough therapy as part of the process."
There are guidelines which I cant find. You have to see a psychiatrist even to see a private one the wait can be over a year who will recommend if your suitable for hormone therapy they also expect you to go for counselling with a suitably qualified counsellor who will also make recomendations. This enables the trans person to explore their options and how it will work I real life it is especially not easy to become a women and live as a women if your a man. This thread clearly demonstrates peoples hostility towards it. My DH is tall big framed middle aged and slightly over weight he no more looks like a women than I look like a caterpillar he is painfully aware of this. He knows that he will be at the very least stared at in the street that it could effect his employment opportunities he's currently a successful business man he may loose friends over this and also destroy his relationship with me his wife and cause me considerable distress. On the other hand he sometimes talks about suicide and the every day struggle of having gender dysphoria and not feeling yourself in the way you present to the world. He attends a counselling to try and help him decide what is frankly the least bad option. As I said above I too attend counselling to help me take control of my life and make decisions that are right for me.
Some with gender dysphoria dont feel they want to full time women or men for a variety of reasons including being in a loving relationship with children.
I believe but this may have changed that in the UK you have to wear women clothes full time for two years before any surgery will be considered (even if you can pay for it). You have to pay for electrolysis etc. not all trans want gender reassignment surgery for women to men in particular the success rate is not always that great. Some men opt to take testosterone suppressing medication and then female hormones and dont bother worth the surgery. Its a very complicated multi faceted problem for both the person with gender dysphoria and their loved ones be they parents partners their children or friends.

I would read up about Dr Ray Blanchard's theories and perhaps explain those theories with him? He may come to the conclusion that he isn't actually trans.

I more than most on here totally understand where the OP is coming from and how difficult the situation is for her.

You might need a bit more information on Tinsel... try the Transwidows thread or www.transwidowsvoices.org/

Never assume or make such definite statements here on Mumsnet. You will often be surprised at the response you get.

@LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin I appreciate that you have found one poster whose username and posts make you feel as though they have an answer for you that feels right. But please, do have a look at the voices of other transwidows. See if any of their stories ring true with you.

You don't have to decided anything now, but being fully aware of the experinces of many others in the same situation as you might help. Those who stay and those who leave. Don't prejudge yourself!

My thoughts are with you OP not had say personal experience but I think sounds like it's going to be hard for all of you. I think you know your husband better than anyone else and only you know what kind of person he is. I think the affect on your child will be very dependent on the area you live in and what kind of family you are.
I don't think it is helpful for people to blame anybody as what does it change. I k own that for me in the long run although I would try to be supportive I am not at all attracted to women so couldn't maintain any physical relationship.
You all deserve to be happy however that looks whether you stay together or not. Don't ever stay with someone out of just supporting them. Life goes by so quickly make sure it's q happy one.

I would leave him now and brace yourself for emotionally supporting a child whose father struggles to meet their needs. He had no business fathering a child when these feelings were unresolved.