Husband transitioning help!

OP, really centre yourself in this. And your child. Life will throw so much at us unexpectedly (speaking from experience) and you need to make sure that you are living a life you are ok with.

Also consider how much support you are able to give and for how long time before you are completely exhausted. I won’t presume to speak for any transwidows but I believe that many men who transitions indeed go through a terrible time and for very long. I would worry that this means that there will be less space for you and your feelings/hurts/crises, especially if you also need to be strong for your child. Children can go through a lot (grief, bullying, school issues, friendship issues) completely unrelated to your DH and you will need to be able to support your child as well.

I know from experience how draining it can be to support people emotionally and physically. Don’t forget yourself in all this. Your life and happiness matters too. And a marriage needs to be about mutual emotional support - especially as your child will need all your strength at times.

no transexual I know thinks he's become the birth mother

Then what is meant by "mother"?

Those of us who don't feel like this have no idea what this must feel like.

Could be said about any disease or disorder, mental or physical, by those who don’t suffer from it. It doesn’t make it special, and it doesn’t often help to pander to people’s delusions. Some people think they would be better off without their legs (or some other organ or limb). They feel they were never “meant” to have them. Should they be encouraged or allowed to simply cut them off? Probably not.
“Feeling like a woman” is so nebulous as to be impossible to define (apart from as a set of stereotypes, which very many women wouldn’t conform to or recognise).

"And your son's father will never be and should never be "mum"
a) that completely disrespects and ignores your physical risk in conceiving bearing, and giving birth; as well as your emotional labour in raising your DS.
b) he is his DS's biological father, and your DS deserves to know that clearly and unequivocally."
I really dont think it does disrespect and ignore the physical risk of giving birth no transexual I know thinks he's become the birth mother and my DH is proud of the fact that he is our children biological father.
This for me and my children is not the issue no one including my DH and children are disputing either of the above statements.

*"You would be right to say I have no idea how this must feel - and it must be awful. I have only compassion.

I would worry, though, that the reality of presenting full time as a woman could fall short of the fantasy and cause extra issues. I have no doubt that it can become all consuming as someone becomes ever closer to the idea in their head, but ever so slightly misses the mark - because of body hair or jaw shape, small hips, deep voice. So it may actually increase the dysphoria a little due to it being an unobtainable thing in the end.

Could it make things worse?

I don't know whether you have any thoughts on that?"*
lifeissweet I think this is the dilemma for many with gender dysphoria as I said above my DH with all the best will in the world looks no more life a women than I look like a caterpillar. Many will do electrolysis voice training plastic surgery etc to try and make themselves look more feminine. But the psychiatrist said to my `dh you'll be an "overweight post menopausal women" if you transition he's never going to look like Elle McPherson even if money was unlimited! He has no illusions That is why he attends counselling to ascertain that he really understands what this means practically and much as anything else I suspect few make the decision overnight however strong there internal desire is to be the opposite sex.I also suspect this is why many marry have children etc because they know the alternative is not that great. IMO those who still go-ahead are actually brave because they know that in the vast majority of cases that how ever much they try they still will look like a man dressed a women. I guess its easier for women who transition to men. Maybe the reason why I've met happier older transexuals because older people in general are more invisible anyway in our age obsessed culture; just a thought.

But what is the truth?

Humans can't change sex.

And your son's father will never be and should never be "mum"
a) that completely disrespects and ignores your physical risk in conceiving bearing, and giving birth; as well as your emotional labour in raising your DS.
b) he is his DS's biological father, and your DS deserves to know that clearly and unequivocally.

"I think your DH will probably end up with someone else as well, that's why I'm suggesting you move on with your life now."
OP do not let anyone tell you what do do with regard to the relationship between you and your DH. It is solely up to you and what feels right fir you.
If you can find yourself a good counsellor/therapist and consider all the options and with their help decide which is the best for you and your situation (not the one someone you dont know of the internet tells is). This way you will feel in control of the situation and will make the right decision for you at the time.
I have have had a few well meaning friends tell me I should do X Y and Z all this did was confuse me and increase my anxiety and made me feel I had to defend my decisions when I wasn't doing what they suggested which increased my anxiety further.. I don't generally scream see a therapist at the drop of a hat but in this situation you need too (its taken me many years to come forward for proper structured help). A good one will will encourage you to explore all your options and will support you in any decisions you make. Have you spoken to your GP ours has a therapist attached to the surgery so its free. Some work places also offer staff support/counselling. I think the biggest mistakes I made was putting off finding a counsellor to discuss my options partly because I was afraid to look at what my options were because I could only see negative outcomes and because you get so many reactions like this seen on this thread and I was just wary of having to explain my situation.

I would worry, though, that the reality of presenting full time as a woman could fall short of the fantasy and cause extra issues. I have no doubt that it can become all consuming as someone becomes ever closer to the idea in their head, but ever so slightly misses the mark - because of body hair or jaw shape, small hips, deep voice. So it may actually increase the dysphoria a little due to it being an unobtainable thing in the end.

Could it make things worse?

I don't know whether you have any thoughts on that?

I doubt theres a transexual out there particularly a married one with children who wouldn't do anything to take these feelings away and live a normal life if it was possible.
You don’t have to ‘doubt’- there are many stories out there about people who have very much been like this and focussed on themselves only. The op seems very convinced that her dh isn’t one of those and I hope she’s right. What is true is that transitioning for married men never seems to involve picking up extra of the housework and parenting load to generate a truly equal parenting relationship, perhaps more women would welcome it if it did.

“Strugglingwifeofatrans”

“As far as Im aware there are no "issues in childhood that lead to this, my DH has seen psychiatrists and been told it has nothing to do with your childhood“

Of course there can be issues from childhood. He just didn’t happen to see any psychiatrist who understood/admitted that.
I understand though that that might well not be true in your DH’s case.

"The truth is that humans can’t change sex.'
But they can change how the world perceives them. Many transexuals want to be seen as women (or a man) they want to have the outward appearance of being a women or a man because inside they feel they are a women or a man but are presenting the world as they opposite sex.
Those of us who don't feel like this have no idea what this must feel like.A psychiatrist I know who worked solely with transexuals for most of his wokring life said I just cant imagine what this feels like, its not important to me because I am what I appear I don't even have to think about it. But for those with gender dysmorphia its not like this inside they feel they are a women or a man but are presenting to the word in the opposite sex and they find this exceedingly difficult. How can this of us who dint feel like this comprehend it?

So the mother of their children is no longer their partner, they have a male partner.

I think your DH will probably end up with someone else as well, that's why I'm suggesting you move on with your life now.

Honestly if your child is very young it sounds better for DC's wellbeing to 'rip off the plaster' and your partner to transition sooner rather than later, even if the immediate cost may be your marriage. I agreed indebtedness would not be a healthy dynamic if DH is holding off because he feels he has to do it for you.

You know your DH better than anyone here, so I hope relations stay as positive as they can.

There are guidelines which I cant find. You have to see a psychiatrist even to see a private one the wait can be over a year who will recommend if your suitable for hormone therapy they also expect you to go for counselling with a suitably qualified counsellor who will also make recomendations.

Look I'm not here to fall out with other trans widows.

You describe the process accurately, the year that you mention was the worst of my life (although it's got strong competition from the year that I suddenly lost the Dad that I adored).

The point I was making is that there is not a thorough process of talking therapy and exploration as part of the GIC, at least not one that is likely to result in anyone changing their mind. This sort of thing is expensive and the process in under resourced.

Women should know this so that they don't hope their husband will change his mind.

You will not have sought support from Trans Widows Voices unless you have posted on the Escape Committee threads here. I should know, I run it.

We should not be lumped in with the Beaumont Society etc as we are completely independent of any trans organisation.

Your initial advice to the OP Strugglingwifeofatrans was excellent. She needs to centre herself. My advice to women in this situation is always that they need to live a life with boundaries, where they are free to choose their own direction. The alternative is being dragged along in somebody else's wake. Lurching from crisis to debilitating crisis.

I'd also say that looking after yourself involves hardening your heart to whatever "struggles" your husband is going through. It clouds your judgment as to what is best for you and your children.

What is life like after, you ask OP? It's freedom.it's not without its struggles but it's freedom from being a support human and cheerleader.

"If possible get your husband into therapy. Because transitioning is not going to solve his problems."
Are you suggesting therapy will stop him feeling like the overwhelming need to transition that therapy will take it all away? You clearly know absolutely nothing about it if you believe this.
I've met quite a few transexuals over the years whose problems have solved by transitioning and of course some who's problems haven't.IME those who transition when they are older; middle aged and upwards transexual are often happier. They have often been happily married have children etc and have wrestled with this all their lives. The happiest one I met (professionally for a different reason) transitioned at 69 after a marriage three children and a successful career he was a changed person, he explained rather movingly how he was finally allowed to be himself. Obviously the ex wife may have a different take in it, Bu tit its not uncommon for many partners to remain supportive.
The famous travel writer and trans sexual Jan Morris wrote a book called Conundrum the title IMO sums up the whole situation for many.

But what is the truth

The truth is that humans can’t change sex.

This is not what you signed up for. If my husband decided he was a (70 year old) woman, I'd toss him out so quick it'd make your head spin.

Op as long as he is holding off you will feel indebted and that’s not a dynamic you need to fuel. Also it’s unlikely now that he’s been this upfront that he’ll be able to stop it anyway.

I’m sorry you’re going through this op it must be awful.

It does piss me off though when’s transwomen are considered lesbians. As a lesbian, males can never be women. Lesbians are same sex attracted, that’s a fact that will never change.