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Original poster

Husband transitioning help!

462 replies

LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin · 10/02/2022 12:57

Hi all, name change for this. DH has been talking about transitioning for many years now. I was pretty much in denial the whole time, thinking maybe he's a cross dresser, etc. Anyway I'm now realizing that he is serious. We have very good relationships, he's fully aware of how it affects me and our child. He loves me very much but as much as I want this to go away I can't accept his sacrifice of not transitioning and not being himself. He will eventually transition but I guess it's best done when he's still young. Anyway I'm all over the place and don't know how to navigate this long journey. I said I will fully support him but I don't think I will stay with him, we'll see I might who knows. Is there anyone hear who can talk to me about it? I'm afraid of what the future holds for us, I'm worrying about my kid, is he going to be bullied? Is this going to traumatize him? What to do?

OP posts:
Original poster
LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin · 11/02/2022 13:46

@Wanderingowl just an afterthought I feel the difference for me also is that you were not happy with the way alcoholism influence the atmosphere inside your home. After separating you made your own home happy and sheltered your child from the effects of alcoholism of their father. In my situation at least at the moment the atmosphere inside our home is happy, it's the outside world that scares me. If I leave that won't change the fact that my child is still going to walk outside holding a hand of a father that looks like a woman.

OP posts:
Original poster
LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin · 11/02/2022 13:42

@Wanderingowl thank you for your story! It's great that you found happiness and it all turned out for the best. I am not ready to leave yet but that's what I was talking about earlier I don't think it's good to force a decision like that on yourself I think if this is to happen that there will be a moment when I will realize that now I'm ready and better off without.

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Redwinestillfine · 11/02/2022 13:40

It's ok to not be ok. It's ok to be furious itg him. It's ok to expect more for yourself. It's mind.o change your mind

Original poster
LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin · 11/02/2022 13:36

@Strugglingwifeofatrans

It’s great that you can bring your experience the OP needs to see different perspectives. Obviously if it’s your life partner it’s exceedingly traumatic. IME many people are keen to advise you to LTB engage a lawyer and take him (it’s usually a him) to the cleaners. But as the OP clearly shows in her posts she loves her partner, ending their relationship may not at present be the right answer. As I’ve found the person with gender dysphoria often is struggling to make the right decisions for themselves and their partner, the partner is also struggling to make the right decision for themselves and their partner inevitably when it’s your life partner it causes considerable heart break uncertainty and sole searching. It’s hard to make the right decisions especially if the decision is to leave when you love them. Having gender dysphoria is one aspect of a person personality admittedly a big one but they can still be good fathers and caring husband I have many many happy times with my husband we have so many positives in our relationship walking away is an exceedingly painful option.
I agree, I don't see him suddenly becoming a dick. I definitely took on board your advice on not listening to anyone's advice and not trying to then justify your decision and explain it. I think you are a very kind and smart woman. I hope despite the struggle you still find happiness in your day to day life. Life is an adventure isn't it and this experience brought more empathy, decency, respect and kindness out of you, isn't it what life is about.
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Original poster
LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin · 11/02/2022 13:32

@MrsSkylerWhite

You sound very kind but honestly, I think you need to focus on yourself and your child now, not on him, and think of your futures.
Thank you. But I think I am focusing on my child, then myself, then my husband.

I feel like most people here think that centering myself means I should split up with him. I don't think my quality of life will get better if I do. We love each other, we have comfort of two incomes in one household, we share childcare we don't have family around to help us, we like each other's company, we have sex, we don't want other partners at least not at the moment, we hoped to grow old together. I don't want to throw the is away. And I don't think it will help my child if we do because it won't make my transitioning husband disappear. I guess if and when I see that his personality has changed and that he doesn't want to be an involved father that's a different story... but for now I don't want to force a separation on myself.

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Justme56 · 11/02/2022 13:29

OP - whilst everyone has their opinions, you are the only person who knows how your relationship works. From what you say it's been bubbling under the surface for some time, and is now coming to a head. It is positive that you are both talking about it as ignoring the issue doesn't make it go away. You obviously love your husband and it is, at the moment, fear of the unknown (probably for the both of you). The best thing you can do is to continue to talk. Every time you think of something, maybe write it down and then set time aside to discuss it. Try and be as honest as possible with him because if you aren't nothing will be resolved. I wish you all the best and hope that wherever this may lead you have a good and happy life.

TinselAngel · 11/02/2022 13:28

@LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin

I can't yet relate to being called a transwidow myself because although maybe the person I love will be gone but yet he's still going to be my child's involved father.. so it's not at all the same for me as being a single mother. I also think I'll still love him and although he'll change he won't be gone for me.
Most of us start off hoping that we can continue to co-parent. Some of us succeed, some of us like many other divorced women don't, but it's generally not due to our own actions.

We also hope the husband we know won't disappear. They always do. I get the impression you think your circumstances will be different because you are just nicer and more caring than the rest of us?

DragonSnapCrimson · 11/02/2022 13:28

OP, there's no "right" way to go through this, or anything. You need to do what is best in your situation, for you and your child and your husband, rather than follow a script of what is thought to be correct. You also can't forget to look out for yourself in all this, your mental health matters too.

Original poster
LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin · 11/02/2022 13:23

@socialworker222 thank you for your story, I'm so sorry it happened to you.. I hope your children as they grow would come to terms with this too. I do want to hear stories like yours too. I don't believe in black and white or happy endings it's all life really. What I know is that my husband is a loving and caring man and at the moment he wants what's best for his child and wants to hold off transitioning. But as others have mentioned I should not be delusional and believe that he will be able to "forget about it" and that it's best to go through with it now, separate, etc. I guess for me it's not wise to force any decision and it's best to wait for the perfect moment when you know what you want. Because at the moment I don't and I'm lost.

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bishophaha · 11/02/2022 13:19

@LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin

Another though.. according to some people here if he said if you don't want me to transition I won't - it's putting his choice on me a decision that he has to make himself. But then if he said I am transitioning regardless of how you feel - it's being a bad partner and an arsehole. You cannot win.
The fact you think it's important to phrase something in a way so that someone "wins" suggests you're not really engaging with what people are saying.
Original poster
LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin · 11/02/2022 13:16

I can't yet relate to being called a transwidow myself because although maybe the person I love will be gone but yet he's still going to be my child's involved father.. so it's not at all the same for me as being a single mother. I also think I'll still love him and although he'll change he won't be gone for me.

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Original poster
LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin · 11/02/2022 13:12

Another though.. according to some people here if he said if you don't want me to transition I won't - it's putting his choice on me a decision that he has to make himself. But then if he said I am transitioning regardless of how you feel - it's being a bad partner and an arsehole. You cannot win.

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TinselAngel · 11/02/2022 13:08

It never ceases to amaze me how this is the only type of relationship breakdown where women are expected and encouraged to say "but never mind me, what about poor him?"

I agree the updated use of "transexual" on this thread is odd.

namitynamechange · 11/02/2022 13:06

Also, if you think people are being hostile on this look up threads where a husband has cheated on his wife/failed to ever unload the dishwasher. I think posters in general tend to focus on the wellbeing of the poster and child over their husband. While that can sometimes lead to some crazyness/projection it isn't surprising (given its MUMSnet) and isnt always a bad thing either. If you get too far into the mindset that you (or anyone else) putting yourself first/thinking about you before your husband = being anti your husband you will struggle down the line

Linguini · 11/02/2022 13:06

he said that he only wants to go through with this if a stay with him. He loves us too much and won't transition if this means I leave

This is emotional blackmail. You surely can't stay with someone this manipulative who has mislead you for so many years.

TinselAngel · 11/02/2022 13:04

The same way I see transsexuals being bullied here,

I think you have a lot of work to do on centring yourself. It is absolutely not the job of trans widows to defend or care for "transsexuals", there's plenty of other people more than willing to do that.

Many of our exes at some point in the process say they will only go ahead if we stay with them/ if we agree to it/ if we can be more accepting.

The reality is, they always progress at a rate which suits them and wives are just deluding themselves if they think otherwise. This sort of negotiation just encourages more secrecy I'm afraid. You have no control over this.

namitynamechange · 11/02/2022 13:02

I agree that not long time ago gay people were treated with similar hostility

Yes - and its great that that has changed. But, although I have gay friends, I would be less than thrilled if my husband turned out to be gay. I would want him to have a happy life etc and would wish no ill upon him - but neither should society expect me to stay married to him/subsume my own happiness to supporting him (and I don't think it would make either of us happy). I don't think being Trans is exactly the same mind but being kind doesn't mean never having boundaries/putting your own wellbeing first. All that does is lead to festering resentment and dishonesty.

bishophaha · 11/02/2022 12:56

Op I know the term "transsexuals" can be useful to distinguish between the more nebulous trans categories but if you continue to use it you risk getting your posts deleted for transphobia, as it's not considered by some to be the correct term.

Original poster
LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin · 11/02/2022 12:54

@TinselAngel sorry for not responding to you directly, I'm still reading comments and hoping to get to the links this evening. Thank you for sharing the resources. And I agree I should center my child and myself. It's hard though as at the moment I am happy with my life and am still somewhat in denial of what's happening. I just want this to go away.

Spoke to DH about my feelings yesterday, he said that he only wants to go through with this if a stay with him. He loves us too much and won't transition if this means I leave. We agreed he'll get therapy. We agreed we'll look into stories of how this affects children as I feel he's very naive about the impact. I see how much he wants to transition and he wanted this all his life. He feels he's got his family on his side now and is more brave about it. Would I want my parent to sacrifice something that big for me? I still cannot believe that he is indeed able to go back in the closet and "forget about the whole thing".

I agree that not long time ago gay people were treated with similar hostility, and in fact many gay people also had a traumatic experience as children. However modern society agrees that it's not a mental health issue. Irregardless of what made you gay, transsexual or whatever person you are now, whether it's epigenetics, past event, trauma, you can't fix this. You are who you are.

I see how sometimes autistic children are bullied because they are different, because it's uncomfortable to be around them, because kids wish they didn't have to deal with them and they would go away. The same way I see transsexuals being bullied here, it's a shame because we are adults. They are different but they are people that deserve respect and kindness.

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TinselAngel · 11/02/2022 12:53

I see the majority here are quite hostile to the father..
It's very unusual for a poster here to not want women to be in her side. It's a feminist board. We support women.

PleasantBirthday · 11/02/2022 12:44

but the fact that he looks like a woman and people treat him as a woman doesn't go away

Well, being honest and realistic, he's not going to look very much like a woman - they're not going to be able to give him a head and body transplant and people aren't going to treat him like a woman, they're going to be much nicer to him. They're going to treat you like a woman though and expect you to continue doing all the emotional labour for him and for your child.

Original poster
LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin · 11/02/2022 12:41

@RedToothBrush Well the child can call his father Dad but the fact that he looks like a woman and people treat him as a woman doesn't go away. It's a much deeper issue. I do center my child right now thinking what's best in a situation where I think transition is inevitable either now or later in life. It's something I wish away but I'm afraid it's my reality that's happening.

I am a very social person with lots of mums friends, my child is very sociable as well. I'm scared that we will be alienated after the transition whether we'll split up or not. I see the majority here are quite hostile to the father..

I will read more on how this affects families and children to make a choice if when this is going to happen and whether we'll stay together.

OP posts:
Melroses · 11/02/2022 11:49

@Akela64

Dear Op

My advice is the same as many here. Your family situation will change and most likely already has. As you are not driving the change the consequences will not be within your control and this will be a time of anxiety (as your post indicates you are already feeling).

Navigating these changes will be easier for you and your child if you have independent financial, legal and emotional support from the beginning. Crossing your fingers is unlikely to lead to best outcomes, start with the foundations and work upwards.

BW

And this.

Counselling should be for you, how this affects you, what your needs are without the fog of guilt, from other's people's requirements, that envelops you in daily life.

Melroses · 11/02/2022 11:43

@TinselAngel

Also "Ooh I could jump over a dolls house."

I used to love Stu Francis on Crackerjack.

CRACKERJACK!

Where's me pencil & pen?

Akela64 · 11/02/2022 11:31

Dear Op

My advice is the same as many here. Your family situation will change and most likely already has. As you are not driving the change the consequences will not be within your control and this will be a time of anxiety (as your post indicates you are already feeling).

Navigating these changes will be easier for you and your child if you have independent financial, legal and emotional support from the beginning. Crossing your fingers is unlikely to lead to best outcomes, start with the foundations and work upwards.

BW