Husband transitioning help!

They are not some egotistic demons that want to destroy other peoples lives and deceive them putting a disguise on to sneak into other gender toilets to watch women or men pee.

The problem is, the conflation of sex with gender identity and the push for self ID - to make a legal woman out of any intact male who simply says he is a woman, with no legal or medical process or involvement whatsoever, and vice versa - is a literal open door for those people who ARE such demons. It's clearly and widely open to abuse by predatory men who just claim to be trans.

This is the key point people are constantly misunderstanding J K Rowling on, and she's made it so clear by now that it's hard to think it's not intentional.

In a world where predators have taken cloth or become teachers or firefighters to get at vulnerable people, I don't know why everyone thinks this would be such a safe thing to do. Especially since the whole problem is that the predator wouldn't actually have to go through any process at all. Just say he feels like a woman, and that's it.

We need a conversation about how to find a solution that works reasonably for everyone, but as long as a prominent part of the trans campaign consists of people calling women names and threatening them, it's not going to happen.

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@PleasantBirthday my close family friend is an LGBTQ+ activist and I grew up knowing that some people believe they were born different gender and might want to transition. It didn't mess my identity. [/quote]
That's great but I don't want my child to have to absorb the message that human beings can change sex and I'm just not sure I'd send them to a house where they are invited to act as though someone there is now a different sex to the one they were born.

Wishing you all the best, OP, I hope you and your DH are able to work out the best way forward for your family.

As you rightly say, society has moved on in terms of acceptance and hopefully, people won't feel they need to suppress who they are in the future. I know two people in their 20's who are in the process of transitioning and it's much easier to do this before you are in a committed relationship or have children. It's still certainly not easy, of course, but their future partners won't be going through what you are.

You may find it helpful to look at the Children of Transitioners website, to find out how to support your child. They write about everything from abuse and bullying, to coercive, sexual and domestic abuse by the transitioning parent (nearly always fathers) and how to help children of transitioners eg in school.
childrenoftransitioners.org/

Their eye opening submission to the GRA a couple of years ago is also on there:
committees.parliament.uk/writtenevidence/16837/pdf/

That's not what I meant. What I meant I imagine all of you here being mums that I know personally and that when you hear the news that my husband is transitioning you would stop letting your kids in our house, would not want to see my husband, or be friends with my child anymore.

I think many of the women here - and I'm definitely speaking for myself now - would struggle with the idea of exposing my daughter to the idea that sex change is a thing, although I'm rowing against the tide there. That would give me pause. If there was no gaslighting element, I wouldn't care.

Actually - regarding letting my child go to another parents house - to be honest that's always going to be something that I am careful over and am ready to re-draw boundaries over any time. I know lovely people with large dogs that my son is friends with - and I don't let my son play at theirs for that reason. They don't know that's the reason, I just engineer it so they always play elsewhere. Other parents might not let their children go if they are going to be babysat by the father rather than the mother - again personal choice. But that's not the same thing as a child/family being ostracised. You can't take on the burden of how others perceive this. It isn't healthy and it isn't possible.

That's not what I meant. What I meant I imagine all of you here being mums that I know personally and that when you hear the news that my husband is transitioning you would stop letting your kids in our house, would not want to see my husband, or be friends with my child anymore.

I think this outcome is very unlikely. I've never heard of it being the case.

the idea of him being a woman doesn't disgust me physically

He won't be a woman though.

Or

He 'transitions' (whatever that means, whatever form that takes) and you have to adjust to something you didn't sign up for, maybe making compromise that aren't compromises but are actually sacrifices.

By leaving you then become the bad guy as you didn't stand by your man (who wants to be, or at least be seen as, a woman).

I really hate comparing 'gender' or gender identity (or gender dysphoria for that matter) with sexual orientation as I don't see the LGB with the TQ at all - but to use an alternative situation as an example...

Had your husband say he was gay, not Bi or questioning, but gay, and he wanted to have an open marriage where he had sex with men, he didn't find you physically attractive, but he loved you, loved your life together, thought of you as a best friend and thought your were a fantastic mother and that you had a great family and set up...you could maintain - as Stephanie Schofield has - living together as man and wife but not having a sexual relationship, he could stay in the home, your son would know him as Dad and still have all you have now, two incomes, shared childcare etc.

But he would go out and have another life that didn't involve you. Could you imagine yourself in that situation to not be jealous, be fulfilled in your marriage, to not have sex, not have any resentment build etc.

It's not a perfect example, but it's comparable in that it would be a situation you didn't sign up for and it it your partner seeking to change things, not you.

That's not what I meant. What I meant I imagine all of you here being mums that I know personally and that when you hear the news that my husband is transitioning you would stop letting your kids in our house, would not want to see my husband, or be friends with my child anymore.

That's a bit of a how long is a piece of string question.

I'd have the deepest sympathy for you and your kids, this is a seismic shift in all your lives and a particularly tough one that you didn't choose and have limited ability to handle except to tuck and roll. You and your kids would be very welcome as you'd always been.

The issue would be what your DH may as the transition goes on, choose to expose your kids to and anyone in your house to - the exact same boundary I'd have for any parents in any household my kids went into, regardless of their reasons. There are ways that he can do this that take care and regard for others, particularly his kids, and there are ways he can do this that don't. Really that part is going to be wholly in his hands and not yours.

For what its worth, I personally wouldn't stop the children being friends. I will admit, my sympathies would be with the mother (possibly I am just biased towards women, maybe its sexist but I think its normal for men to see the male perspective and women the female) over the father. But I would never be rude or verbally abusive to the father if that's what you are worried about. I don't know what the mums you know personally are like or what the culture where you live is.
One thing that would set alarm bells ringing is the sense of someone constantly apologising for their partner/on the defensive for them. That's only because in my past experience (not T related) its always been a very bad sign. I still wouldn't stop the kids playing together, but might be more cautious about them going to your house- but that would likely be a gut reaction I would have to the general atmosphere (even if I didn't know why the atmosphere was the way it was).

Oh and being gay is not something that needs to be fixed!

We love each other, we have comfort of two incomes in one household, we share childcare we don't have family around to help us, we like each other's company, we have sex, we don't want other partners at least not at the moment

This is very likely to change if your husband goes through therapy, and even more likely if he decides to transition socially and/or medically.

I agree that not long time ago gay people were treated with similar hostility, and in fact many gay people also had a traumatic experience as children. However modern society agrees that it's not a mental health issue. Irregardless of what made you gay, transsexual or whatever person you are now, whether it's epigenetics, past event, trauma, you can't fix this. You are who you are.

An increasing number of gay and bisexual people are insisting that people stop conflating sexuality with gender identity. They are not the same things. At all. It has already been harmful for people of minority sexualities that this conflation has ever happened. And I don't believe we are even close to seeing the extent of that damage and increased danger that homosexual people and bisexual people in same sex relationships are in because of these two very different things being wrongly connected. So really, and truly, please don't make this comparison.

Tbh, making this comparison is harmful to you too. Who do you think benefits the most from you believing that your husband's gender identity is the same as a minority sexuality? He does. You get trapped into having to be compassionate. In to having to excuse his behaviour. Into having to be a good guy who stands by her poor (wo)man who is just trying to be free to be her real self.

It's not an accident that gender identity has been force teamed with sexuality. On both a societal and individual level, it massively benefits people who want to live as the opposite sex to be thought of as gay.2.0. But they aren't the same and gay people, especially lesbians right now, are having they boundaries, social outlets and means of connection destroyed by it.

I don't think centering yourself = splitting up with him necessarily. I do think it means allowing yourself to feel whatever you feel without internally apologising. It also probably means feeling able to talk it through with supportive family or close friends without censoring yourself because you want to control how they see your husband. I can completely understand why you wouldn't want to go public about it etc, but I think it would help you to talk it through in real life with someone you trust - even if its just to vent.