Husband transitioning help!

No, definitely Stu.

I went to a pantomime that he put on once. Hadn't a clue who he was until he said "Eee I could crush a grape" and the lightbulb went on 🌞

TinselAngel

Also "Ooh I could jump over a dolls house."

I used to love Stu Francis on Crackerjack“

Wasn’t that Bobby Ball?

"3 get therapy for DH"
You mean he'll get therapy for himself.

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@Akela64 thank you! Interesting, but she is still looking like a woman and has a female pronoun although she didn't go with the surgery... it's still not the same as having a man as a father[/quote]
Not really the point, but I believe that picture is of a computer avatar, not the account owner.

You might want read this twitter account twitter.com/ArtemesiaJade/status/1464676959858823170?s=20&t=x6p_s1KRfINnwDMagUzp6w

It's a man with AGP who has decided to not transition because he wishes to maintain his marriage. Its fairly honest about the obsessive, sexual nature of his condition. And the likely outcome of transition on himself and his relationships.

Might give you a different perspective.

*transmen transwomen

When are men considered as having transitioned? The line between man and transwomen does baffle me a bit.

Is it the first time they wear all female clothing? When they change their pronouns and name? Finally feeling like they pass enough, to use the ladies loo?

Is it when they start carrying the mental load, sharing the brunt of the housework and childcare, being paid less for the same work, and being subject to misogyny and harassment?

Are there two or more distinct types, those more akin to dysmorphia, and those more fetishistic, is there an overlap. Are there links to childhood trauma?

Does it really start back when they're admiring themselves in their sisters underwear as a teen, or even further back when they preferred barbies to other toys? I read the phrase "living a lie" a lot, which suggests transmen can think of themselves really being women, even before any attempt to "transition".

More research would be so beneficial, but that seems to be quite frowned upon, compared to conversion therapy etc.

"It's not about being seen as an androgynous man. It's about the desire to be seen as a woman"

Yes, but it's hard to say if op's dh is ready or wants to go full on with being seen as a woman yet. He hasn't begun to transition yet, hasn't indicated a change of pronouns etc, is still known as a man. He can try dressing in a more stereotypically female way (to whatever extent he wishes), without first having to relinquish his masculinity. This may help him decide what he wants, and help op decide how she feels about it small changes, well in advance of any big changes that could be "outing".

I see the majority here are quite hostile to the father

I am late to this but would like to explain this, form my perspective. Hositle? Maybe. In as much as often the expectation is that the wife will simply acquiesce and trot along happily. For example, lobbyists such as Stonewall are still trying hard to make it impossible for a wife or husband to say no, do not transition until we are divorced because I did not and do not want a same sex marriage, ro whatever their objection might be. They call it a spousal veto, as though that means the partner that wants to transition cannot. When what it actually means is the legal paperwork, and emotional upset, is far easier if the divorce happens first.

That and most of us feel for you. Your relationship is founded upon a lie and yet here you are trying to work out how to make the future easier for him/her and blaming yourself because you didn't listen hard enough.

If you don't want or need that support then you are one hell of a strong woman, or have decided that his transition will shape your life, divorced or not!

Putting the 'burden' on you and your child if he doesn't transition is very unfair. Do you seriously think he won't have pent up resentment that you have 'denied' him his 'true self'? It is NEVER right to make one's own choice another person's responsibility. And you would never feel that either of you is living an 'honest life' as true partners, him because he's denying his 'self', you because you know he isn't really who he's portraying himself to be.

If he chooses to transition I don't feel it makes him a 'bad partner', per se. It makes him someone who (right or wrong) wants to live the life they feel they were meant to live. BUT, he does have a responsibility to do all he can to help you and DC get through it via counseling and by giving you 'space' (physical and/or emotional) to come to terms with his decision without pressuring you to accept it and/or to continue the relationship. Just as he wants to live his 'true life', he has to enable you to do the same. But because HE is the one causing the change, it is up to him to support you, not the other way round.

Good advice, @SoItWas. Small steps like that might help both the OP and her DH decide how they want to move forward. I know that for me personally, it might influence my attraction towards my DH, because I’ve always been attracted to traditionally masculine physical traits like hairy legs and chests, for example!

It may help the OP decide whether she wants to continue her romantic/sexual relationship with her DH if he transitions.

Has he tried to be more stereotypically "feminine" in small ways? If atm he has no notion of what he wants or how he really feels, other than he wants to present as more feminine, could he give it a go, without having to go all the way? A more androgynous style, to test the waters?

Eg growing his hair, wearing some black nail varnish and a bit of black eyeliner, having his eyebrows styled. A bit of fake tan. Waxing his arms/armpits/chest.

Also, would he consider getting some stereotypically feminine piercings done, both ears, nose, belly button? Or a feminine tattoo?

I actually personally find this sort of aesthetic very sexy, and have dated/slept a fair few androgynous types over the years (male and female).

How does your dh normally present? What's his style like? What's his personality like?

You said you carry the mental load/do the wifework, and I think you could use that as a way to broach the idea that actually being a woman, is much much more than just looking like a woman (which doesn't require one to actually be a woman). Does he have sisters, neices etc? I think many men don't understand how differently boys and girls are often raised, and the social conditioning females undergo, from we're ridiculously young. The ones who didn't enjoy male conditioning, wouldn't have nesseccarily been any happier with the reality of the female version.

9

If one organises it or the other organises it, what's the difference.

It's about not being dragged into doing the work to enable the transition. If a spouse plans to transition (especially if it's a man), they can't expect their partner to do the wife work around it. In order to maintain your own distance and sanity, I think there has to be a clear demarcation, otherwise you could end up being sucked into being overly supportive at your own expense and forget to watch out for your own needs.

Having read most of the posts, I do think some people have missed that the OP loves her partner, cares for them and is concerned as to their mental health; they are (both) treading new ground here. Counselling would be great. If one organises it or the other organises it, what's the difference.

I can only speak for the one relationship that I know, and that from a distance. My friends marriage partner struck me as being incredibly shy the first time we met in person, I see posts of her now and the transition (!) is extraordinary. Bright, confident, cheerful. Self-possessed. They refer to each other as "wife". While it may not be the marriage my friend signed up to 35+ years ago, it's stood the test of time and challenges. They have grown children and grandchild. They are a family.

The only person I know who transitioned remained a deeply unhappy and troubled person afterwards. I think they thought that going through surgery and changing the way they dressed would change how they felt inside. But it didn't.

They wanted to blame society for it not working out but really I think the problem was deep ore-existing psychological problems and alienation. This was then made worse by struggling to find acceptance and relationships and not being able to achieve the looks and feelings they thought transitioning would bring. Add to that the trauma of surgery and major hormonal treatments which also impacted on mood and emotions. They moved away from the place they'd lived for years to try to start again and lost touch with the friends and family they had. It was really sad.

I think it's important to question through counselling what the person thinks will change and what they really think they will achieve from transitioning. Are there other ways to express your true self without drastic and irreversible interventions needing to be taken? What does living as a woman really mean to them and what are the changes they think it will bring? What are the risks inherent in what they want to do - are they prepared for all the things they might lose?

I wish you well OP. You sound like a very kind and decent person. Look after what you really want too. Any relationship that works is one of equal partners - both of whose needs are met.

get therapy for DH

Why can't he do this for himself?

Good luck.

* get therapy for DH*

And why would this be YOUR job

* 1 Find out more through links given about effect of transitioning and life after on children*

You don’t need to do research op
You know your child

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@TinselAngel he won't be a woman for some people but for others he will be. I have a person in my life who is a transwoman I don't think of her as a man. So to me personally maybe I will think of him as a woman. In terms of how he looks I can see he could pass with minor adjustments so some people might not pay attention and not know. Or think is he a woman is he a man. He will talk to a therapist to figure stuff out for himself. Is he really a transwoman or non binary and what change will make him happy or no change. Oh a lot to process for me.[/quote]
Yes, a lot for YOU to do.

This is your life and your decision. Just be sure that your return on investment will be worth it. There is no fairy godmother to reward you for sacrificing yourself at someone else's altar if there's nothing in it for you. No reward anywhere, and you get only one life. And it gets harder to start over the older you are.