Husband transitioning help!

As your child is so young OP have you been able to talk about what you plan to do there as you co-parent going forward (whether you remain married or not).

Is you child going to refer to his or her father as Daddy or is there an expectation from your partner to change that? What would it change to?

As others have suggested I would read more of the trans widows threads, stories and resources. This is a very specific situation, as a PP says, to prepare for a tricky time ahead, but please prioritise yourself and your child. You are not responsible for anyone else's happiness.

If surgery was on the cards - actually even if it's not - I would personally be thinking about whether I could maintain a healthy sex life (healthy as in mentally, emotionally and physically) with the man I was in a relationship with, if he intends to dress as the opposite sex. Do you think you could engage in sexual with him if he was imagining himself as a woman having sex? If he intends to invert his penis then that is even harder to navigate. Could you be in a celibate marriage? Could you have an open marriage? It's possible, couples do it, but it might not be what you imagined for your future.

Some of the sexual experiences of trans widows are very harrowing to read. It might not be possible for you to be happy in this relationship going forward and if that's the case it's better to be honest about that, early on, rather than drag it out IYSWIM.

This is so very difficult, it's a lot to deal with, I can only imagine it's a type of grief - I've always thought that's why the partners of men 'transitioning' are called trans widows.

I think I'd start the divorce process now. He has been clear that he intends to transition, which is his choice. But I don't think it follows that you have to live with the transitioned version of your husband. Things are going to get more stressful in the coming time - identities will change, money will be tighter, priorities will be different. It'll be confusing for your child. You're better off drawing a line under the marriage now and leaving you both off to make your new lives.

I'm sorry for your situation OP - that is a very difficult thing to go through.

I wouldn't recommend mumsnet as the best place to get a balanced answer on a query like this.

Are there any organisations or charities local to you that support LGBT+ people and their partners/ families? That might be a good first port of call for advice, as they will be used to supporting situations like this. I'd also recommend some counselling.

Good luck and I hope you work out what is right for you all.

I would also be making it abundantly clear that he doesn’t get to be ´mum’ of any kind to our child. He can be ´dad’ and a transwomen. Or any kind of ´aunty’ or other name for a female relative, but he’s never going to be ´mum’.

What a selfish man-how does he think this is going to affect his child.

He may as well howl at the moon as want to become a woman-the best he can be is a transwoman and that is not the same thing at all.

Time for him to stop putting his fantasy first and put his child first and, honestly, if he couldn't do that and he was my husband, I'd divorce him.

Stop trying to be so cool and put your child first because this bumping weight prick thinks he comes before his child.

In your shoes I would be ending the romantic/sexual relationship NOW and going to straight to the co-parenting as separated parents part. I could support him much in his transition if any prospect of me adapting my own sexual preferences and my own identity to accommodate his ´new’ or ´newly embraced’ identity was taken out of the equation. And I’d still be angry and feel humiliated that I had been lied to or used to cover up his true feelings. But I might be able to get past that if any pressure to change myself was avoided.

If you do go to support groups, don't go with him because all they will do is pander to him and ignore you and your needs.

What continent do you live in OP?

I will say OP, be prepared for your husband to change dramatically. Not just in appearance but also in personality.

I've known 3 married men transition and all have had basically a personality transplant. They were all v involved fathers, good husbands. Since transition they have become very self involved and unkind.

Transition often seems to take precedence over everything else.

Do you know your husbands reasons for transitioning? It will affect how you can manage your relationship and expectations. If for example he is agp that will have a very different set of issues to deal with, than straight forward transition.

You will find support on here. What you will tend to find is that we will centre you, OP and not your H. That may mean checking that you are not putting his feelings before your own and not suppressing your own negative emotions. That isn't being anti-anyone, it is being kind to you.

YY to that!!

I’d also say that it’s a huge upheaval for you and your child and you might benefit from some RL support - such as counselling - to get more clarity as things unfold.
Your DH will need support as he is transitioning. I imagine (hope!) he will get counselling. You need and deserve the same.

I read some of transwiddow's stories. I find a lot of the time the men were not great despite transitioning.

@LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin the hardest part is that you just cannot predict how the future will be.
It might be that your DH transitioning will be hard. Hard for him, for the family, for you just because the transition will also mean lots of reevaluation of boundaries for both of you. I can’t imagine for example that the roles you have in the family will stay exactly the same.
But it might go smoothly enough so that you can coparent your child etc…

Or it might be that the whole transition will be like opening the Pandora box and he will reveal himself as being a twat - just like the most loving partner suddenly become obnoxious, hard work etc…. after starting an affair/falling out of love/whatever the reasons for a divorce.

The best you can do is remind yourself you need to put yourself FIRST.
You need to put yourself first for yourself and for your dc so that, regardless of will happen, they still have a stable adult parenting them iyswim.

The transwidows are not 'anti-trans' and I find it hugely offensive that anyone thinks it is appropriate or decent to wag fingers at them about how they navigate their own lives and their own experiences. People doing that to them in real life is why they need a supportive space like this.

You will find support on here. What you will tend to find is that we will centre you, OP and not your H. That may mean checking that you are not putting his feelings before your own and not suppressing your own negative emotions. That isn't being anti-anyone, it is being kind to you.

Sorry that posted far faster than I intended! I didn't have a chance to check if it said what I intended!!

Reality is he has struggled. Did he deceive you about it?
In any event I would get out now before you are the crutch he leans on whilst he goes through it....it isn't your fault or problem

OP, I think you'll find it a very complex process for you. Your emotions and experiences are as important as his and are your prime responsibility. You can't support your DC or husband if you are floundering yourself.

It's a complex and traumatic experience, as you will grieve the loss of the life you expected and the man you knew, the father of your DC. You'll feel angry. Sad. Betrayed. Abandoned.

Hi OP, when you say he wants to transition what does that mean? Does he want to take hormones, have surgeries? I think you have to consider your feelings and boundaries in this. If he has bottom surgery, are you alright with your sex life being radically different? Are you comfortable with your relationship being recast as lesbian? Support him, sure, but not at the cost of who you are.