Page 17 | Husband transitioning help!

Original poster

LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin · 10/02/2022 14:21

@CuntAmongstThePigeons oh that would be even better! Again everyone has their own story.. I really wish this wasn't happening but it is and I need to protect my child. I do think about myself too. I put my child first, then myself in this situation. I think ultimately there are 2 scenarios that are possible:

Hold off transitioning for many years till the child is old enough to process and understand, in the meantime DH can live as a woman privately somewhat. Benefits would be a relatively happy childhood without the stress of dealing with a parent that's "different from the norm". Cons we'll be both old when divorcing and might not find other partners
Separate somewhat soon and build new lives for ourselves..

Third option where he transitions and we stay together would be an exception that I don't need to plan for..

OP posts:

AgathaMystery · 10/02/2022 14:20

Good luck OP. Tinsel & the other ladies on the Transwidow support thread will be of great help I am sure.

lanadelgrey · 10/02/2022 14:18

Maybe do a lot of reading from the easy to the most difficult experiences and then you will get a sense of what to expect and also how others’ experiences fit into your own set up. Counselling for yourself to work out your negotiables and boundaries. It strikes me as similar to an affair ie the marriage and family are irrevocably changed and you are the one this is happening to rather than the instigator. Finding out what you want and standing up for that is the most important thing.

barleybadminton · 10/02/2022 14:16

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Original poster

LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin · 10/02/2022 14:15

@Pluvia he hasn't seen anyone about it now and yes I agree this will be the first step. I wish he would go out of therapy saying oh I was wrong I don't want to transition now.. but I don't think it's going to happen..

OP posts:

Fluffymule · 10/02/2022 14:14

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@OhHolyJesus I don't think I'll stay if it's not a full marriage. I won't be up for an open or sexless marriage. I don't care much about what our child is going to call him.. he is bilingual and there are plenty of words that are not Mum or Dad he could use to make it special and mean parent. But what it's going to be like for my child to be raised by a dad who looks somewhat like a female and is know as "she". I can't imagine. I hope liberal society will raise new generation so that he won't be bullied and be somewhat cool with what his dad is.. but I might be way too optimistic about that. That's why I want to hear stories of other mums and their children native ting this. I understand that everyone story is unique.[/quote]
You sound like a wonderful parent OP, your concern for your child in navigating this is palpable.

I hope your husband is demonstrating the same concern and putting as much effort into thinking about the impact on his child and what he needs to be doing to limit distress or the future issues you raise.

If he is not, if his child is not his priority right now then I think that may help you in terms of framing your future relationship with him as co-parents.

Original poster

LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin · 10/02/2022 14:13

@Theeyeballsinthesky we are just started talking and planning.. he's also quite lost and doesn't know where to start. He said he loves me very much and if I want he can try to further hold this off.. Problem is I love my marriage and my life now and I don't want to leave until things do start to change. I think realistically it's going to be years ahead till they will...

OP posts:

irene9 · 10/02/2022 14:11

"We haven't yet spoken to family or friends about it."
It's very gracious of you to take this on as your responsibility.
You mean 'I haven't told any of my family or friends that my husband is transitioning to female' and also
'my husband hasn't told any of his friends or family that he's transitioning to become a female'.

So currently you are both holding this burden of secrecy and thus cannot access support until you let go some of that.

ClawedButler · 10/02/2022 14:09

There was nothing about his behaviour, anything he's said or done wrong, other than that he's transitioning.

....and the OP is trying to find ways to deal with the consequences of his decision. It isn't consequence-free. It isn't simple, either practically or emotionally for the OP or her child.

I think PPs are right, you need to end your relationship as it is, because it won't be the same going forward and that's OK. It's not because either of you is in the wrong, it's just that supporting him through his transition and managing your daily life is going to be more straightforward if there isn't an added layer of personal feelings of betrayal or confusion or abandonment and so on.

PleasantBirthday · 10/02/2022 14:07

@SevenWaystoLeave

But, fuck that, we should just be kind!

Yes, god forbid someone should want to be kind to someone they love.

Do you see, OP?

Very much at their own expense though. As another poster has very correctly said, he's doing his own thing now and is starting on a journey that he has chosen regardless of the consequences for the OP and their child. And there will, of course, be serious consequences. But she needs to know that you don't have live on someone else's terms.

Original poster

LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin · 10/02/2022 14:07

@OhHolyJesus I don't think I'll stay if it's not a full marriage. I won't be up for an open or sexless marriage. I don't care much about what our child is going to call him.. he is bilingual and there are plenty of words that are not Mum or Dad he could use to make it special and mean parent. But what it's going to be like for my child to be raised by a dad who looks somewhat like a female and is know as "she". I can't imagine. I hope liberal society will raise new generation so that he won't be bullied and be somewhat cool with what his dad is.. but I might be way too optimistic about that. That's why I want to hear stories of other mums and their children native ting this. I understand that everyone story is unique.

OP posts:

CuntAmongstThePigeons · 10/02/2022 14:06

Also OP, there are a number of posters on this board who are the children of transitioned men. Hopefully they'll be along soon, so they can give you a first hand account of what it was like to have a father who transitioned.

I do think you may have to acknowledge that this will be damaging for your child, BUT there are ways to mitigate that damage and navigate this difficult time as best as possible.

WallaceinAnderland · 10/02/2022 14:06

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@Whatsnewpussyhat yes we can do that but he's still a co-parent... how to navigate that..[/quote]
Like any other separated couple. You split finances and share childcare. I would do this as early as possible in order to limit the disruption to you and your child. Keep it friendly and work together to co-parent your child.

Pluvia · 10/02/2022 14:05

@LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin

Yes I understand there is nothing to stop him so I'm trying to navigate this future. I have no family around at all, but should be okay if divorcing as I work full time. He earns enough to save for required medical treatments. Of course I'm kind, I love him, he is a great man. He was struggling all his life with his identity and tried his best to ignore this issue and lead a normal life. If I ask I suppose he'll try to continue with his normal life but I see how much he's willing to transition and I'm hopeful this will make him a happier person. I'm worried what he'll have to face in this process and unkindness he might uncounted. I know he'll fully support me if I was "throwing our life upside down". It's not something he can help himself. I read some of transwiddow's stories. I find a lot of the time the men were not great despite transitioning. The child is of preschool age. If I could stop this I would. I love my life as it is. Is there anyone out there who transitioned and still a co-parent? How does this work.

If he has gender dysphoria has he seen experts who work with people with this condition? There's a growing body of research indicating that transition doesn't make a lot of people happier. The numbers of detransitioners are high.

I've been in a relationship for 23 years and I wouldn't necessarily support my partner if she was to throw our lives upside down and I wouldn't necessarily expect her to support me if I did likewise. Things need to be negotiated and you need to start putting plans in place to secure the future for yourself and your child. That might involve ring-fencing finances, putting money away where only you can get at it and working out how you can escape the situation if/ when you need to.

SevenWaystoLeave · 10/02/2022 14:05

But, fuck that, we should just be kind!

Yes, god forbid someone should want to be kind to someone they love.

Do you see, OP?

Fluffymule · 10/02/2022 14:04

Your husband is on his own journey and is clearly putting himself, his feelings and wellbeing at the centre of his priorities and actions now. His future is framed by this focus.

There is absolutely no reason why you should not also do the same. For yourself and your child.

You did not take the decision to change your relationship or life in this way and you weren’t asked permission beforehand either.

So whilst of course it is understandable that you wish to be supportive to a person you love, you do not need to de-prioritise yourself in terms of the support you need right now, or decisions you take.

This change was imposed upon you, but nobody, including your husband, gets to decide how you mange it moving forward. I wish you luck.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 10/02/2022 14:03

You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else happy OP

Your DH may or may not be happy if he transitions but that is his journey to go on, not yours. You need to look after yourself and your DC.

Have you discussed with him how he sees the future panning out?

Justkeeppedaling · 10/02/2022 13:59

For all the reasons already stated above, I'd get yourself out of the marriage as soon as you can.

Even if DH turns out to be OK as a woman, he won't be the man you married.

Your DS can have two "mums", or whatever, and he can go and stay with his "other mother" just like any child sees both parents when parents don't live together, but for your own sake, leave the relationship.

cookiemonster2468 · 10/02/2022 13:58

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Original poster

LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin · 10/02/2022 13:58

@CuntAmongstThePigeons yes very good point about him being very focused on his transitioning and potentially becoming too egotistic. I think his personality ought to change in the process. But I'm also hoping it might resolve his anxiety and depression and maybe make him a happier person in the end. I think he might have suffered childhood sexual assault from a female. But I'm not 100%. I'm worried that transitioning won't help him feel better and he will be absolutely lost. I also realize that despite what caused the desire to transition doesn't change the fact that he wants to. He said he wanted to be a girl from as long as he can remember himself. I want to talk to him more to really understand it because I don't at the moment. I really wish he was "normal" and this wouldn't have happened. But I started this thread because I feel I can no longer be in denial.

OP posts:

SaySomethingMan · 10/02/2022 13:56

@LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin

Hi all, name change for this. DH has been talking about transitioning for many years now. I was pretty much in denial the whole time, thinking maybe he's a cross dresser, etc. Anyway I'm now realizing that he is serious. We have very good relationships, he's fully aware of how it affects me and our child. He loves me very much but as much as I want this to go away I can't accept his sacrifice of not transitioning and not being himself. He will eventually transition but I guess it's best done when he's still young. Anyway I'm all over the place and don't know how to navigate this long journey. I said I will fully support him but I don't think I will stay with him, we'll see I might who knows. Is there anyone hear who can talk to me about it? I'm afraid of what the future holds for us, I'm worrying about my kid, is he going to be bullied? Is this going to traumatize him? What to do?

What a difficult situation OP.

PronounssheRa · 10/02/2022 13:54

@SevenWaystoLeave

OP, this is an anti-trans board and you will get no meaningful support here, just people determined to villify your husband and to encourage you to do likewise - you've already been scolded for wanting to be kind, and look at the tone of the comments starting to appear. I strongly encourage you to seek support elsewhere.

Absolute tosh. I see posters encouraging the OP to center herself and her own feelings. Women supporting women is not anti trans.

I think we should all respect the lived experience of trans widows.

MistOverTheDowns · 10/02/2022 13:54

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Nomoreusernames1244 · 10/02/2022 13:53

I agree with pp.

I would separate now. He obviously has a lot to go through and rediscover himself. Let him work out who he is while you regain your independence.

If, after he’s transitioned, you find this new person attractive and want to reestablish the relationship, you can figure that out.

He needs to do this by himself. There’s lots of support out there for him.

Original poster

LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin · 10/02/2022 13:52

@lifeissweet and @FOJN thank you! Yes I do want to be centered:) I'll check the tread for TransWidows. It's a lot to navigate and my foremost concern is my child tbh.

OP posts: