Husband transitioning help!

Erin Brewer, linked in a post above, has gender dysphoria that stemmed from sexual assault as a child as well as very negative gender stereotypes directed at her due to the fact she had adhd and so didn't act like a typical girl.

Your Dh needs some serious therapy so that the trauma and harm that he sadly experienced doesn't go any further.

He should read experiences of detransitioners too as many cite the reasons why the transitioned and that it did not help.

This'll also prove useful for you OP, to read accounts of children of transitioners.

committees.parliament.uk/writtenevidence/16837/pdf/

stream.org/dad-transgender-still-think-gender-cant-changed/

There is one particular video I'm struggling to find but if I find it I'll come back to share.

It seems quite likely from your posts that you can foresee a separation in your near future - do you have practical things in place in terms of finances, living situation?

The relationships board will be helpful for you I think.

Gender A Wider Lens is a very useful Podcast by 2 very sensitive therapists. There is a lot of information about the whys for families of people who are/have transitioned. Each week they explore a different topic. Take care of yourself.

The paperback of this is due soon, only in hardback at the moment. I remember it got lots of press when it came out last year. You might enjoy reading about someone coparenting in a similar situation.
www.penguin.co.uk/books/111/1117883/some-body-to-love/9781529111460.html

OP I think you are saying it's a matter of when rather than if he transitions. Sometimes putting it off is the worst of both worlds - him not being happy and you knowing that you have limited time in this relationship. I certainly would not want that hanging over me. Also, it makes it all about him again which is not a healthy relationship.

It sounds like you only want to stay in the hope that it will stay like this forever but, being honest with yourself, that's not going to happen.

Personally I don't think transitioning will cure his depression. Those that I know are definitely no happier after transitioning. It wasn't the 'cure' they thought it was going to be and now life is so much harder.

DD's friend is a transman with a vagina and is straight. So he is looking for a male life partner who is an actual straight male with a penis but who would also want to be in a relationship with a man. She said her dating choices are vanishingly small and finds the whole thing very depressing.

Anyway, the point is, there's nothing you can do to make him happy so focus on what's best for you and your child and let him get help for himself.

Your priority needs to be your child and then you. You cannot let your husband’s crisis screw up your child. I have no idea how you can safely navigate a child through Daddy wanting to be a woman.

And there is no way in hell he should be calling himself Mummy at any point.

It is far too late now. It will be far too traumstising and confusing for your child. He needs to put his child first and stop this. That is my opinion. He is putting his own needs first.

[quote cookiemonster2468]@PronounssheRa

The second comment on this thread was "You are being very kind. Possibly kinder than he deserves."

In the original post, all that OP said about this man is that he's transitioning. There was nothing about his behaviour, anything he's said or done wrong, other than that he's transitioning. This led the second poster on the thread to make a comment that he probably doesn't deserve kindness.

It's not "absolute tosh" that mumsnet is an anti-trans site.[/quote]
Tosh. He married her and had a child despite knowing he wanted to change the very fundamentals on which that marriage was based. She is being too kind.

I would really examine right now whether or not you think the relationship can survive the transition. If it wont, divorcing now will likely be easier for everyone.

From your perspective, it will protect you financially from the costs of medical transition and from the potential spending sprees of a person going through an intense process and starting a wardrobe from scratch. You also won’t be expected to be the main emotional support in a process that you didn’t initiate.

From your husband’s perspective, if he is going to transition, then having each step potentially cause you pain and drive a further wedge into the relationship is going to be traumatic. Letting him go now might actually be the kindest thing you could do.

From your child’s perspective, there are going to be a lot of changes, introducing certainty into the situation will help.

I think you should choose the second option you've listed: 2. Separate somewhat soon and build new lives for ourselves..

You need to focus on yourself and your child, he must deal with his transition. You can still co-parent effectively, but this is his life choice and he must get on with it. If he's lost and doesn't know where to start, that's not your problem. I know that sounds harsh, but you can't get involved in this.

I would also suggest that transition isn't the only way to deal with dysphoria if that's what he has.

He needs to work out if it's gender dysphoria or AGP.

You love your life and marriage but clearly he doesn’t and he is unhappy. He thinks that transitioning to be a woman will make him happy but I can’t see how. All he can do is to take hormones and surgery and clothing etc that give him more of an appearance of being a woman but you both know he will always be a man so what he wants is not possible. It sounds like he is traumatised which is not uncommon in individuals wanting to be a member of the opposite sex. I think he needs professional therapy and you need to prioritise your well-being and both of you obviously need to prioritise your son in all of this.

In your position, whilst protecting myself, I would encourage my DH to fully explore why he feels like this. You mention potential issues in childhood and ongoing low mood. Perhaps addressing those things, coming to terms with them, finding new ways to live (comfortable in his skin as a man), may reduce your DH's desire to see transitioning as the solution. Even if he does transition, those issues will still be there. Different clothes, a different name, application of some cosmetics won't address the root-causes of these feelings. They are just the 'veneer' of womanhood in a sexist society.

I would be encouraging him to be a different kind of man. You want to change career love? Do that. You want to dress differently? Do that then. You want to move, or have different friends? Try that. Hell - you want to sleep with other people, or other men - do those things if they may you happy - I may or may not stick around to see them.

I wonder if transitioning is sometimes seen as the 'obvious' thing to do, the 'brave' thing. But do transitioners paint themselves into a corner? Maybe. It's tough to do a u-turn. Therapy and self-work are difficult, and I can't see how these can go any more smoothly with the added complications of transition.

In any case, I would be protecting myself and my DC socially and economically for the future - whatever happens to your relationship.

Good luck OP.

Option 2 looks much, much better for all three of you. The adults get to live lives that make them happy and fulfilled, and your child won't grow up with a Big Secret in the family that will cause unexplained tension during childhood and a massive shock and feeling of betrayal and being lied to when they find out.

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@Theeyeballsinthesky we are just started talking and planning.. he's also quite lost and doesn't know where to start. He said he loves me very much and if I want he can try to further hold this off.. Problem is I love my marriage and my life now and I don't want to leave until things do start to change. I think realistically it's going to be years ahead till they will...[/quote]
Mean while you are left in limbo. This sounds very similar to when people talk about waiting for their DH to make a decision if they are staying or leaving with the OW. Be careful it doesn’t fall into that pattern of behaviour.

This has been written from the experience of a child with a parent who transitioned.

It's very to the point around how they therefore experienced a particular type of abuse as a result.

I'd read it and probably ask your Dh to and reflect on potential damage.

childrenoftransitioners.org/

I have no 1st hand experience. But can see how one of the many emotions you will feel is the "loss" of your husband which in a way will be a type of bereavement for you. I think yes support him but please do not put your own emotions to one side in this. As yes even with being bi you may not fancy or even like the woman he wants to become. Please dont feel by leaving your not supportive you can still supportive him as a friend and co parent together but by transitioning he is no longer the mad you fell in love with and married. This does not make you antitrans people split up all the time because one side of hte relationship has changed due to a major life event.

I'm glad you have some family you can talk to OP, even through the vehicle of discussing a similar situation for a family friend, I hope this is some comfort for you.

As for resources that may help (though I don't think there are many positive aspects of the experiences of these women), I share the following:

Tracy Shannon

Jennifer

Ute

Children of Transitioners

childrenoftransitioners.org/
(Though I consider it biased I would also suggest watching When Mum Becomes Dad on BBC and When Dad Became Charlotte).

It may be that you are comfortable with your child calling your partner their mother or a similar name, your child may not be though. The role your partner has had as a parent is as a father, not a mother, and this could be confusing and distressing to your child. As they are young it may not be so difficult to change this now but it may become apparent later on, perhaps in teenage years that there was an impact on your child that was not considered at the time. Personally I would not have anyone take away from my role as mother. Even Caitlin Jenner has the children call Jenner Dad. I would consider this very carefully in advance if coming to some arrangement. The role your partner has as Dad is significant to your child and it may be in your child's best interest not to change this in any way, esp as so much is about to change from the sounds of it.

You and your child are the priority. DH can go on his own journey that you can be supportive of, but not at the cost of your emotional and mental wellbeing.

A common theme in many transwidows stories is how self-centred their transitioning partners became. Like many PP I think it would be wise to separate now before that is an issue, and co-parent from the start.

I wish you strength and support.

I would encourage your partner to access good quality psychotherapy. Not with the aim of stopping the transition - he is an adult who can do as he pleases with his body - but with the aim of coming to terms with whatever is in his past before making decisions about his body that he can't undo.

I have researched many stories by adult transitioners (I think it is really important to read what is written by those who hold different beliefs to me) and they almost always contain patriarchal attitudes, homophobia or abuse. Sometimes quite brutal.

It is great you are thinking about how co parenting will affect your child. One really important factor is your child is young. What will you tell them? Female partners of transwomen that I know of have really struggled with how the father's story of transition undermines their attempts to bring up their child in a more gender neutral way. Anything you tell the child about smashing gender stereotypes risks being undone by their father performing the opposite. Very small children will of course believe anything you, or he, tell them. But if they are not told the truth, you risk undermining their trust in you in the long run. You and your partner may well disagree on what constitutes "the truth". Does your partner believe they were "born in the wrong body" for example, or that they will truly change sex? Important to note not all trans people believe these things.

Best of luck op. Please please look after yourself.

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@CuntAmongstThePigeons yes very good point about him being very focused on his transitioning and potentially becoming too egotistic. I think his personality ought to change in the process. But I'm also hoping it might resolve his anxiety and depression and maybe make him a happier person in the end. I think he might have suffered childhood sexual assault from a female. But I'm not 100%. I'm worried that transitioning won't help him feel better and he will be absolutely lost. I also realize that despite what caused the desire to transition doesn't change the fact that he wants to. He said he wanted to be a girl from as long as he can remember himself. I want to talk to him more to really understand it because I don't at the moment. I really wish he was "normal" and this wouldn't have happened. But I started this thread because I feel I can no longer be in denial.[/quote]
Has he had any counselling to try and deal with the sexual assault he suffered? I would be looking at that before starting on life altering medications and procedures.