Husband transitioning help!

The book is Alexander H that about a million other people above have already referred to before you go searching for another one!!!

As a little comment re the poster who said her cousin (?) who stayed with her partner is very strong - that may totally be right and the right thing for her - but I think the key thing is to realise that “being strong” doesn’t always mean you have to stay and be your husbands cheerleader. Being strong means working out what works for you and your child.

I wonder if until it becomes clear how this will play out at this stage you can just look at difference perspectives?

I don’t have direct experience myself at all but have read some transwidow threads
Which are very supportive and I think it would def be helpful to get yourself on them.

There is a woman from Brighton who released a book recently about what sounds like quite a similar situation and I understand that she feels like she is successfully co-parenting. I have not read the book but have read some other stuff on trans issues from her and my superficial view is that she has possibly gone full trans rights as a way of protecting herself - but i think she would disagree and maybe in her individual situation it worked for her and that could work for you.

I would suggest at the moment as others have said the key thing is for you to think about how you and your child will approach this and. I’ve forward - not about what you need to do to look after your husband. That’s up tp him. It’s up to you to look after you and your child.

He has chosen to marry, father a dc, then transition. I don't need to know details of his behaviour to recognise that it isn't kind to deny his wife the husband she married, or his child the father he should have. OP expressed no anger at the situation, just concern for him. That is 'possibly' too kind. I reserve my kindness for her. She will be carrying the bigger share of responsibility for their family life going forward, as he focuses on the changes he wants to make and she negotiates how to make things work. It's inevitable. He has positioned her into the supportive partner and parent role. Whether she likes it or not.

Whatever happens, however he organises this it will take over your family life. It will Rule and dominate his life for the next Five Years perhaps longer.
At some point his needs will overwhelm your life probably before the end of summer. Separation will have to happen unless you want to become a UK pioneer?

OP you need to put yourself first. I would start the process of separation now. You do not owe it to him to be overly supportive or involved. Your future and your child's should be your priority.

I don't like gender stereotypes and don't like the woman's load that I carry

If he wants to be a woman, why isn't he carrying this load with you?

Seconded, fabulous post. Yes, TQ+ groups will support the husband but offer nothing for the wife. That's where Mumsnet comes in. We support women.

Bless you. This is tricky. I don’t think your child will be bullied or traumatised.

And I think, in regard to whether or not to stay together, play it by ear and see if it still works after the transition.

Be completely open and frank with each other throughout, and maybe try and take the seriousness out of the topic - laugh at each other, lovingly, as much as possible.

I don't understand the details of this but if he is feeling not fully male and partly female is there a possibility of hormones to reinforce his maleness and make him more stable?
Maleness must have been dominant in the earlier part of his life.

"I don't like gender stereotypes and don't like the woman's load that I carry"

"But he looks and acts like a man and there is nothing feminine about him now."

This seems to be fairly common, transwomen who want to look female, but will still retain their male entitlement, and expect their wife to continue to do all the wife work (while they flounce about looking fabulous). It's like some want to have their cake, and eat it too, and I can understand why many trans widows get totally fed up with it.

Before you fall all over yourself to make it as easy for him as possible, I'd consider if he would be as understanding if the roles were reversed.

Do not lose yourself and the wellbeing of your child to his 'journey.'

I endorse the comments which say it's a rocky road ahead but all is not lost.
You'll need to be strong to cope with 'the looks' and maybe some friends falling away.
Would you be comfortable being out and about with your DH dressed as a female but still recognisable as a man? Having to get used to a female name and the extremes of make-up, jewellery, false nails and clothes on a man can be a bit unnerving.
Bottom surgery is another hurdle.
Yes, it will be a huge impact on your life as you now know it and you'll need support for yourself.
I've seen this first hand with a one-time friend whose DH transitioned and I couldn't visit any more. I found it weird and uncomfortable as, no matter that he had the full monty, she still looked like a man in drag to me, and not an attractive drag act anyway. I actually think drag acts look fabulous in a way that trans men/women don't.
I hope you make decisions that are most comfortable for you, as it's a life changing set if circumstances.
Best wishes 🤞💐🙂

Sexual trauma and autism appear with alarming regularity in transitioners, alongside being raised in an environment where a child was shamed for being gender non-conforming. Therapy is what is needed here and not the kind that is immediately affirming but rather the type that will explore past wounds and explore your husband's thinking on what it means to be 'a man'.

"Even if he does transition, those issues will still be there. Different clothes, a different name, application of some cosmetics won't address the root-causes of these feelings. They are just the 'veneer' of womanhood in a sexist society."

^This.

Also,"I don't want people to think he's a pervert, he's disgusting, I'm disgusting for staying with him, people laughing, frowning at us..."

I think many trans people think that saying they are really another sex, will reduce the scrutiny, and in a way it does? People in general seem to feel sympathy at the idea of being "born in the wrong body", in a way they don't at "actually, I hate all the stereotypical male bullshit, mens clothes etc, I much prefer the stereotypically female aesthetic and lifestyle".

I think this is causing all kinds of problems. Imagine if when women first started to wear trousers, society had told them, oh, you must identify as a man, and have medical intervention first, or you'll be ridiculed and possibly attacked.

I hope you and your dh ultimately find support, and peace. And as pp said, don't feel guilty in taking a step back or walking away, if/when it all gets too much, your dc needs at least parent whose mental health is up to the task of parenting, and counselling may open a nasty can of worms, if your theory that he was abused, is true.

Interesting that as a grown man and father he talks about wanting to be a "girl" not a woman. It sounds as though he may be disappointed with the reality as it's all sounding like magical thinking. Also why does he want to identify as a woman. What actual practical difference does he think it will make to his life? What will he be able to do as a transwoman that he can't do as a man?

Yes, he needs to get assessed by a good therapist that can help him work through his options, needs and help him develop the emotional skills needed for whichever path.

Something I've noticed is that you've said many things along the tune that transitioning should hopefully fix something emotional for him, even listing depression and anxiety.

He should have a solid treatment plan in the works for those and worked on emotional skills well before going onto hormone therapy which should be closer to the end of options than a first step.

Hormone therapy is like going through puberty again in some ways and, like puberty, it has a tendency for a while at least to make emotional dysregulation worse. Multiple types of hormones actually list depression as a contraindication because of the impact they can have and there are a lot pushing for better protection to prevent the harm caused when hormone therapy is used to treat depression, anxiety, trauma dysregulation, and similar.

It's important that he cover his options and those emotional skills needed to go through hormone therapy or any other option well including the potential reality that it doesn't change those underlying feelings. Those are an important points that should be covered if he is deemed suitable for transition (I'm saying if because that's how it was in my day even though I know that's changed a lot now, but a good therapist should consider whether it's the right option without bias as much as possible, it's not right for everyone and can make certain issues worse like gender dysphoria that presents from trauma like I have).

I know people where cross-sex hormones were a great part of improving their wellbeing. I've others who ended up coming off as they can be very taxing on the body & worsened other mental health issues and found other methods to manage - most therapies, for some surgeries were involved and I have other people I cared about who got stuck on the 'one more thing will fix this' treadmill which is heartbreaking because you know they're hurting and they're so convinced of a solution that there is no showing them that there are other options or doing much. I worry from your description OP that your husband is at the start of that - that he's pinned his painful emotions onto this solution which can backfire. He'll likely need good strong guidance to work through that if he's pinned it on for so long to be able to see all the possible options available. Even with gender dysphoria, there are a range of options out there depending on the severity.

OP

You are likely to find that LGBT+ resources are heavy on their focus on DH, and framing this as only a positive thing for both of you, where your expected role is to focus on meeting his needs only, and to expect from you unconditional co operation and support.

This may be how you feel, and that is fine.

The thing is that you do not have to take this script being handed to you, and the 'anti trans' moaning on this thread is because here the main focus is on the woman, the woman's needs and feelings, the woman's right to have boundaries and to be able to talk without being scolded for not centering the TQ+ person. And this is ok . You may need this and if you do, there are a few safe places where you can do this just as there are many safe places where DH can be open about his feelings and needs and be listened to and supported.

It is important to keep remembering the phrase up thread: you do not have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. No matter how cold they feel, no matter how much you love them, no matter how much you want to help. You matter in this just as much as he does, and your feelings, your needs, your future, are equally important to his.

My cousin went through similar a few years ago when her husband transitioned. They spent a few months with it just between them, and also received counselling together, and then also with their children, before going more public with it.

Five years on they are honestly the most in love couple of I know. They are re marrying later this year as a same sex relationship. She is a very very strong woman, and I am in awe of her.

Gulp! 😳

Hi OP, if you are wanting to read about someone who has been where you are, Alexandra Hemmingsley wrote a book about her husband transitioning. She did put a positive spin on it, but many here read it and felt desperately sorry for her. It would probably be useful for you to read early on, as putting someone else's needs first can be a gradual "frog boiling" process where each step seems reasonable, but the end goal is that you are a bit part in the show about them. Whatever you decide, you should have boundaries and red lines in place for what you will and will not accept.

One of our friends/neighbours transitioned about two years ago and this is what I learned from watching that unfold. Decide on limits about how much you are willing to talk about this and be involved. It can dominate life and you are perfectly reasonable to still want to put you and your child first. Personally, I would have nothing to do with going bra shopping or painting nails etc with DH, he would be told that he can knock himself out but I want nothing to do with it. Do not let him mine you for information on being female or play along, if you are uncomfortable, treat it as his hobby and his alone. Our neighbour was thriving on the special attention and it was that demand that she care about every little thing he did that led to the breakdown of their marriage. If DH made such an announcement, that is the only thing that would work for me, I definitely wouldn't be cheerleading for him. I would tolerate but not encourage (but probably leave him, truth be told).

However, I think it is reasonable that you ask your DH to explore counselling about his sexual assault/abuse first. There are different reasons people end up dysphoric, but the trauma response to sexual abuse does seem to be a common theme in de-transitioners who later realise they now have a surgically altered body and all the same issues as before.

I don't want people to think he's a pervert, he's disgusting, I'm disgusting for staying with him, people laughing, frowning at us... I know people said many times it's his journey but it's mine too. I am his wife of ex-wife, my child is his child. People would feel sorry for me.. concerned for my child..

You cannot control what people think, get rid of those thoughts because they are never helpful. This isn't about anyone but your family. You can control the boundaries within your family dynamic to work out for the best for all three of you eventually, but absolutely with your child and your own wellbeing as your primary focus in the short term. You can be kind and supportive without compromising your integrity or mental wellbeing, and it genuinely sounds like that's the approach you'd like to take.

I haven't been through this but on a personal level I'd be making it clear that the marriage we had is done and for at least the short term the absolute best we could aim for is a friendly atmosphere for co-parenting. I'd insist on the support mechanisms and finances for transition to be external to the new relationship that you're forging as co-parents.

Long term, make no promises because you have no idea how you'll actually feel when all this starts to happen...and to be fair to your husband, neither does he.

Be clear on your boundaries and enforce them appropriately. Only you can decide what they are so please don't feel coerced into behaviour/actions that you aren't comfortable with - this includes not just your husband and the changes he may request from you, but also from people who may be quite damning of your choice to make an effort to co-parent as harmoniously as possible.

I wish you the very best, I just can't imagine having to deal with something like this