Husband transitioning help!

You know full well that the comment about "being Kind" was to help OP see that she doesn't have to sublimate herself in her DHs transition. She IS allowed to find any part of the changes in their relationship distasteful, unhappy, not to her liking, etc. She can still love him and not lose herself in his unhappiness. He is the one changing their relationship, he needs to work through that. And OP has very right to work through it her own way for her own happiness.

You may think you are beng even handed but you are really not. You are enforcing a message OP is already hearing, inisde and out. One that she may not be happy with as time passes. She doesn't need to be told to shut up, put up and get back in her box. She needs to know that whatever she chooses will be OK, acceptable, right for her. And that she can change her mind whenever she pleases.

I want to reiterate what others have said about centring yourself. And I am glad to hear you want to do that.

It doesn't matter whether a woman is married to a recovering addict, someone transitioning or someone with any other consuming issue. The role of the woman is not to lose herself by thinking her existence is now being ' supportive' and 'kind'.

You matter and your role is to centre yourself and your child.

I would absolutely not recommend going to one of the LGBT charities for support. They will exist entirely to centre the transitioning person and not you. You need support for you.

I don't think he is a nice man at all. He married you and had a child whilst all the while knowing this would be a possibility one day and not for one minute considering the impact that would have on a partner or a kid. That's selfish at the worst extreme. I would literally walk over fired coals for my kids and on many occasions put their needs first. This is one of those occasions. He needs to man up - literally

I think you are being very kind, I myself would feel very deceived. The future you imagined has changed and the person you were attracted to.
I personally would be thinking of divorce asap.

Does your husband work? Would transitioning have an effect on that.

I know someone whose husband transitioned and quit working because they were a teacher and didn’t feel they could continue, and has locked themselves away from the world. Wife works long hours in a stressful job. They don’t do anything as a family as I think the husbands transition wasn’t as successful/convincing as they imagined.

OP you said I like men who don't transition but instead find their unique style by looking feminine, androgenic, maybe fully like a woman but keeping their male name. I see that they are more comfortable with themselves.

I think this describes where my line in the sand would be. Sure it might be odd walking down the street together if my husband did this, but I'd happily face the world with him (and I've had many friends in the past who did not dress at all conventionally).

I think it is harder to face the world with someone, and for someone, if that someone is asking you to deny something about yourself. I couldn't pretend my husband's experiences were women's experiences. I would feel he had disregarded all he knows has happened to me.

Actually op I believe there are some transwomen who happily describe themselves as male. I wish I could remember their names!

You can't say 'i knew i was a girl all my life' after you decide to transition when you've already married someone.

You've lied to them, mislead them and potentially ruined their life.

Whatever your reason for not being honest, its just not fair to do that to someone else. Its grossly selfish and unexcusable IMHO.

On the subject of kindness: I don't consider it kind to marry under false pretences. If a person has identity issues I think this should be confessed at the engagement stage at the latest. Everyone is entitled to their privacy but equally everyone is entitled to fully understand who they're marrying! That OPs H didn't do this, I consider to be voiding the marriage vows. OP didn't marry someone with gender identity issues, as far as she knew. If she had known in advance, she may not have chosen to marry. He removed that choice from her when he chose not to tell her.

By waiting, you're choosing to take an increased risk of staying single/unmarried. Whereas if you divorced now you'd be free to seek another partner sooner, reducing the chances that you'll be alone due to being unable to find someone suitable.

This is such a good point that it's worth repeating.

He has to be true to himself, OP, but your desires for your life count as much as his. If they don't align, you get no reward for giving him your best years.

Including transgender ones

You speak for yourself alone when you say that, Dogs and Gin. Don't try and force-team me.

Sorry I know nothing about this but I just wanted the drop by and say what a wonderful caring person you sound ❤️ good luck to whatever your future holds ❤️

You need support of your own - not support from an LGBT group who will centre your partner, not you and expect you do go along with everything. You need separate support.

More than anything, YOU need to know that ANYTHING you feel is ok. Your role is not as a support human being to your partner.

By that, I mean you do not have to unconditionally go along with everything they say due to being held emotionally hostage by the idea that to be a good person you MUST support them no matter what.

Newsflash: even trans people can be dicks who shit all over other people. They are not a sacred cast. Don't allow yourself to be someone else's emotional doormat.

You might get the best of both worlds as you're bi.

That's not how being bisexual works for most of us, I imagine.

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@WeeBisom at the moment he wants hormone therapy and looking more female. He doesn't want radical surgeries yet. I have to see to decide whether sexually he's still going to do it for me. He's a very good lover and I love his body now.. I don't know if I'll like what he'll look like in the future. I might I might not. I am bisexual but prefer men. I did say to him that most likely I won't stay but we are family and parents and I will still love him and fully support. I guess if I am to leave and find someone else it's better to do it sooner than later but maybe for our child it's best if we stay as a traditional couple for as long as possible. I want my child to know his dad as a dad.. as a person I know and love him now. Or maybe it's best for him to know him as a mum so he doesn't need to deal with the change.. who can tell me what's best it's so new to us and to society...[/quote]
You need to separate - purely for the financial aspect.

How much do you think these surgeries are going to cost. And when is 'enough'. And then there's the cost of clothes.

EVERYTHING goes on the trying to achieve an impossible fantasy.

You and your child, are going to find you come second to this.

As others have said, be prepared for the complete personality change...

OP - do join the transwidows thread. There are a lot of women on there who have been where you are and quite a few of them are not in the U.K.

Hi OP, yes do come over to the trans widows thread, we've all been where you are now.

Also read the women's testimonies and the resources on our website:

https://www.transwidowsvoices.org/

You might get the best if both worlds as you're bi.
If your DH gets his wish to look more feminine, yet essentially retains most of his body attractiveness which is what you like and enjoy, there might be a middle ground. Making out with a feminine looking male who retains the ability to fulfill you sexually, could work for both of you.

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@Theeyeballsinthesky we are just started talking and planning.. he's also quite lost and doesn't know where to start. He said he loves me very much and if I want he can try to further hold this off.. Problem is I love my marriage and my life now and I don't want to leave until things do start to change. I think realistically it's going to be years ahead till they will...[/quote]
That's you choice to make. However, do consider the possibility that by deciding to wait until he transitions (bearing in mind he's not discussing it as a maybe but as a definite decision he's made) you'll be limiting your future. If after transition you decide you're happy to be with your husband new version of himself then all well and good. But since you love him as he is now, there's no guarantee you'll love the new him who will be a completely different person. It's a huge gamble. If you split up later on, it will mean you're however many years older and the older you get the less chances there are of meeting someone else to share your life with.

By waiting, you're choosing to take an increased risk of staying single/unmarried. Whereas if you divorced now you'd be free to seek another partner sooner, reducing the chances that you'll be alone due to being unable to find someone suitable.

It's a fact of life that the older you are the harder it is to find someone suitable simply because the majority couple up forever when they're younger. You'd also be facing the age related prejudice that sees so many men looking for much younger women or wanting a child-free woman.

So making a decision to "wait and see" isn't just a decision that affects him, it affects your future too. You need to think about this because making an educated choice is different from making an accidental choice which wasn't properly thought through. You're obviously someone who wants to be married and go through life with a partner by your side. If you ended up divorced and permanently single, you don't want to be thinking "what if" or "if only" you'd considered that possibility when younger.

@Artichokeleaves

OP

You are likely to find that LGBT+ resources are heavy on their focus on DH, and framing this as only a positive thing for both of you, where your expected role is to focus on meeting his needs only, and to expect from you unconditional co operation and support.

This may be how you feel, and that is fine.

The thing is that you do not have to take this script being handed to you, and the 'anti trans' moaning on this thread is because here the main focus is on the woman, the woman's needs and feelings, the woman's right to have boundaries and to be able to talk without being scolded for not centering the TQ+ person. And this is ok . You may need this and if you do, there are a few safe places where you can do this just as there are many safe places where DH can be open about his feelings and needs and be listened to and supported.

It is important to keep remembering the phrase up thread: you do not have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. No matter how cold they feel, no matter how much you love them, no matter how much you want to help. You matter in this just as much as he does, and your feelings, your needs, your future, are equally important to his.

Good luck, OP.

Hugs to you, OP. You've got lots of good advice. One thing that struck me is your comments on you DC and how they will see their dad if he transitions:

want my child to know his dad as a dad.. as a person I know and love him now. Or maybe it's best for him to know him as a mum so he doesn't need to deal with the change.. who can tell me what's best it's so new to us and to society...

I know you can't control what your H does, but maybe use some persuasive arguments that can help mitigate the impact on your DC. Caitlin Jenner is a high profile transwoman whose children still call her dad because Caitlin acknowledged how cruel it would be to make them change their name for their parent. Children need stability and while you may not be able to stop your DC from seeing your H physical changes, one constant should be their dad is still their dad. I would fight for this.

Good luck to you, OP.

I think it's very interesting that your husband claims he always wanted to be a 'girl' but he didn't mention it to you until after you were married. This suggests that either he was lying to you then, or he's lying to you now.

I had a partner who decided he was trans after three years of us being together and him never mentioning it once. He was suddenly absolutely convinced that he had always been trans and that surgery would be the only answer to all his problems. I loved him so much and I was so worried about him that for a while all I did was consider his feelings. Eventually his demands became too much and I split up with him.

I mention this because after the split, he moved to a different city and saw a different psychiatrist. He then realised that he wasn't trans at all. He's spent the last two decades living happily as a man, and he recognises that his obsession with transitioning was a symptom of his poor mental health, not the cure for his problems.

I think the first step for your husband should be seeing a really good therapist - and not just someone who is simply going to 'affirm' him. If you can also have a frank talk to him about why he's feeling so dysphoric now then it might be helpful - but of course he may not admit the whole story. (For some men, it is a result of watching AGP porn for example). Ask him to show you all the websites, chatrooms etc that he's been looking at. His willingness to be completely honest about this will be revealing.

Please don't make the mistake I did and just put your husband's feelings first. You'll doubtless find that almost everyone around you will be rushing to put his feelings first too if he does choose to transition. Everything is set up to help the man transitioning and not his family.

Sadly I have seen that a lot of men who transition cite their fragile mental health as an excuse for unhealthy behaviour such as expecting their wives to keep secrets for them or trying things in bed that the wives are really uncomfortable with. Sometimes women carry the huge emotional burden of facing their lives being turned upside down all alone because their partners ask them to keep it secret. Meanwhile while the husbands are busy making loads of new friends (and some inappropriate friends) online.

Make a decision today to put yourself and your child first, and get as much real life support for yourself and your child as you can.

Best of luck in whatever you choose to do and I hope you find loads of support on here too.

I guess if I am to leave and find someone else it's better to do it sooner than later but maybe for our child it's best if we stay as a traditional couple for as long as possible

Your best chance of successful co-parenting is to divorce now, before your relationship is undermined by the challenges of transitioning. I don't doubt that your DH is in pain, and that he feels that transitioning is the way through. But you need to protect yourself and your DS. Do not become your DH's carer/emotional prop, which is what the wives of men who transition get relegated to (not that there is anything wrong with being a carer, but it is a supporting role - you need to put yourself and your DS at the centre of your own lives).

Don't stay for your DS. Your marriage may stagger on for a few more years, but they won't be good years. Leave now, while you and your DH are on good terms. Support him from the sidelines, as a friend and co-parent. But don't get dragged into his unhappiness - don't let him take you and your DS down with him