Husband transitioning help!

In case you don't know Cluniac in Oct last year detransitioned after being a transwoman for two years.

I'm a straight woman and I wouldn't be attracted to a woman who transitioned to being a man.

But I do think that if someone identifies as a woman and is exclusively attracted to women then it makes zero sense for them to describe themselves as straight!

Totally agree it's not the thread for it, but I responded to that poster because they called the OP transphobic!!!!!!

If we are to accept that men can become women

But do we though?

I suggest you or ideally both of you watch Cluniac's recent youtube "Five Reasons for Gender Dysphoria" As Cluniac says transitioning does not address the underlying issues. The other thing he constantly mentions is that cross sex hormones have health consequences, a fact TRAs want to brush under the carpet.

Always fascinated to hear more about the FIRST conversation that ever took place between you and him. When he first raised. I just can’t comprehend sticking around after that! Especially if no children at that point

@LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin, I assume that he has a clinical diagnosis of anxiety & depression, & has he had medication & counselling/psychotherapy to address this & the childhood sexual abuse??

Has he clinical support for his transition?

You must put yourself & your child first.

He is an adult who is making profound physical & emotional changes in his life, & that is his choice. He is about to undertake a deep change of his psyche, he will not be the person you knew. For this venture to work for him, he can no longer be that person you knew. His sense of self has changed.

Your choice in this matter is yours alone to make, there is no assumption that can be made that you are, or are not, a party or support for his choices.

But we don't accept that men become women, ever. So a straight man assuming the identity of transwoman and stil looking for sexual relationhsips with females remains straight. A gay man transitioning rmains gay, looking for sexual relationships with men.

And isn't it wonderful that as soon as they assume that transwoman identity all their doubts about who/what a woman, or a man, actually is goes away, when they look for a sexual partner?

A male can not change sex.

Gender is not sex.

OP you are worrying a lot about society and what others will think and how he will be perceived.

You can't control any of that stuff so I think you would benefit from trying to learn to let go of things that you cannot control.

Maybe write a list of all of things you are worried about, then go through the list again and cross out everything that you have no control over and then only focus on things that you can control.

Also I think you need to learn to detach a lot from the decision making in this journey, you said your husband said he can try to hold off for a bit longer. It's like he wants permission or you to push him forward or make the decision for him.

That's just not fair at all, and while it might feel comforting to think that it doesn't have to happen yet and he's going to take your wishes on board for now all it does is apply a lot of pressure to you. He needs to make the decision about when and not put that pressure on you. That might be something on your "I have some control over this" list but it really shouldn't be because it's actually a negative.

Very sorry that you're going through this!

As a lesbian, I am attracted exclusively to other female people. Homosexuality is sex based and not gender based, which is why it is offensive to insist that a male person who identifies as a woman is now female and should be part of a lesbian's dating pool.

This is also not a conversation to have on a support thread for a female type woman in a very difficult situation, so perhaps a separate thread would be a good idea.

. Claiming that a trans person who is attracted to someone of the opposite sex is somehow now gay is homophobic because it implies that one’s sexual,orientation is a choice.

What???

If we are to accept that men can become women then we should also accept that after transitioning to women that they are gay if they are attracted to women.
How does it imply that sexual orientation is a choice?

It's just applying the same sexual orientation labels to the persons new gender identity.

I'm a woman who is attracted to women = gay

Kinder than he deserves?! wtf As in currently OPs focus is all on him and he is turning their lives upside down, for something he has already admitted he felt before they got married but didn't tell her

So OP is in a position where her DH has hidden this very significant fact from her for the whole of their relationship. And STILL she writes here to find a way of ensuring he is included, centred, not pushed out. So yes, kinder than he has any right to expect!

How do you think you would react? Would you be happy becoming a de facto lesbian wife, a sister perhaps, to the man you married?

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@FunnyTalks thank you! That's a very helpful comment! I will talk to him and psychotherapy should be indeed his first step. I don't know what story to tell.. I want to keep talking to DH to understand what it's like. I don't like gender stereotypes and don't like the woman's load that I carry but overall I'm happy with who I am and with how people see me.. I like men who don't transition but instead find their unique style by looking feminine, androgenic, maybe fully like a woman but keeping their male name. I see that they are more comfortable with themselves. I really don't know what it feels like to want to be another gender.. He says he always wanted to be a girl. But he looks and acts like a man and there is nothing feminine about him now. I don't see him at all as a woman. He does look more like a stereotypical man to me. He is also straight and that's not changing. So when he is transitioned that would make him a lesbian I suppose.[/quote]
A lesbian is female. A transwoman who is attracted to females is heterosexual. A transman who is attracted to men is heterosexual.
Homosexuality is same sex attraction. Claiming that a trans person who is attracted to someone of the opposite sex is somehow now gay is homophobic because it implies that one’s sexual,orientation is a choice.

You sound really smart and you are really trying to find your way through a difficult situation with grace and positivity. Try to read as much (from both sides) as you can, if you can find some RL support through therapy for you do it (stick to conventional therapists though). You are going to need to be strong and make some tough decisions and be as prepared as you can. Your husband is in control of himself and his decisions but those choices will ultimately effect you. Best of luck and take good care of yourself.

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who believes being a woman is something that can be picked up and put on. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who denies biological reality. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who regards being female as being a bunch a feminine stereotypes. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who wanted to frame our relationship as a same sex relationship. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who wanted my child to call a male born person female.
But I am not you OP. You need decide what your lines in the sand are.

“ I think he might have suffered childhood sexual assault from a female.”

Perhaps, if he has not already done so, it would help him a great deal if he were to get expert therapeutic help for this - regardless
of his transition plans .

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@WeeBisom at the moment he wants hormone therapy and looking more female. He doesn't want radical surgeries yet. I have to see to decide whether sexually he's still going to do it for me. He's a very good lover and I love his body now.. I don't know if I'll like what he'll look like in the future. I might I might not. I am bisexual but prefer men. I did say to him that most likely I won't stay but we are family and parents and I will still love him and fully support. I guess if I am to leave and find someone else it's better to do it sooner than later but maybe for our child it's best if we stay as a traditional couple for as long as possible. I want my child to know his dad as a dad.. as a person I know and love him now. Or maybe it's best for him to know him as a mum so he doesn't need to deal with the change.. who can tell me what's best it's so new to us and to society...[/quote]
But he isn’t, and never can be, your child’s mum. That’s your role. If he expects your child to call him mum, that’s gaslighting on an horrendous scale. To expect a child to deny the reality of their own father. That’s verging on emotional abuse.

From observation, I can tell you that no-one is going to tell your spouse to centre you. There will be many people clamouring to tell you how you can be more supportive of your spouse, but it won't go the other way.

The only person who may centre your needs is you, so you had better step up for yourself

Sadly it caused many problems. They are still married but very unhappy. They do parent very successfully though. But their relationship changed irrecoverably

Wish I had a better answer to your question.

If not an affair - similar but not the same in that he has moved the goalposts in a marriage unilaterally - then maybe in terms of him saying he has new job in a very new and different country with lots of opportunities for him but requiring you to be what diplomats used to call "a trailing wife" ie having to accept something you aren't sure about and has some obvious drawbacks/unknowns. So you have to work out whether you want to go too on the journey and how far or with what conditions. But once the subject - complete upheaval in the marriage/family - has been mentioned it will be there in the middle of your relationship. If he is unhappy now then trying to keep up appearances for the sake of something temporary will be even harder.
And it's hard to second-guess what your child will think now or as they get older. Perhaps working out the co-parenting ideas first off would help so you know where and how you meet over the care of your child whatever your DH does or doesn't do or how he changes himself

I said I will fully support him but I don't think I will stay with him, we'll see I might who knows

I think you have a great attitude and I think this is the best way to be. As you say you probably don’t stay with him but you never know.

Not sure if it’s been mentioned but someone transitioning can have a massive impact on other people and people have compared it to feeling like someone has died where you have to grieve for that person. Sometimes the person transitioning doesn’t understand that as they are ‘still there’ so this can create arguments and tension.

Often people’s personalities change once they’ve transitioned too so this is something you need to be prepared for.

If you’ve ever heard of the show keeping up with the kardashians I recommend you watch the ‘all about Bruce’ episodes as this speaks about transitioning and sees it from both sides so it may help in some way.

I’m a child of a MtF transitioner, though I’m now an adult child!

If you have any questions, feel free to ask and good luck with everything x

Hold off transitioning for many years till the child is old enough to process and understand, in the meantime DH can live as a woman privately somewhat. Benefits would be a relatively happy childhood without the stress of dealing with a parent that's "different from the norm". Cons we'll be both old when divorcing and might not find other partners

I personally think this is likely to be much worse for the child. The older they are, the more they bond with the Father and the greater that loss is when that Father disappears. It is not ' the same person' after tranistioning and its gaslighting the child to tell them it is. The transition does change the person and how others respond to them, that is the whole point of transition. And it will be the same for the child. There was a documentary about mothers who transitioned and it was heart-breaking to see the affect this had on a teenage daughter - she was having her own therapy to cope with it.

So he knew he wanted to be a woman but still got married and had a child? I'd be so hurt by this, he's basically turned your lives upside down, yet you are being nice about it? I'd be thinking about myself and my child, you are the priority not him. To me this is worst than cheating, he's lied all along and let you build a life on that lie. He could have told the truth and saved ruining 2 other people's lives but he chose not to. I'd be sorting out a divorce ASAP.