Page 12 | Husband transitioning help!

LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin · 2022-02-10T12:57:06+00:00

Hi all, name change for this. DH has been talking about transitioning for many years now. I was pretty much in denial the whole time, thinking maybe he's a cross dresser, etc. Anyway I'm now realizing that he is serious. We have very good relationships, he's fully aware of how it affects me and our child. He loves me very much but as much as I want this to go away I can't accept his sacrifice of not transitioning and not being himself. He will eventually transition but I guess it's best done when he's still young. Anyway I'm all over the place and don't know how to navigate this long journey. I said I will fully support him but I don't think I will stay with him, we'll see I might who knows. Is there anyone hear who can talk to me about it? I'm afraid of what the future holds for us, I'm worrying about my kid, is he going to be bullied? Is this going to traumatize him? What to do?

Original poster

LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin · 10/02/2022 17:51

@lucythejuicy he did tell me many times and before we had our child.. I just didn't want to take it seriously I was in complete denial. But he also said that whilst he wanted to be a woman he didn't have the guts to transition. I think he's still trying to figure stuff out.

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Diva66 · 10/02/2022 17:51

@Whatsnewpussyhat

Honestly, I'd divorce now and prepare for the shitstorm ahead.

This.

Original poster

LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin · 10/02/2022 17:49

@Larryyourwaiter he is a specialist and I imagine will carry on either in his current job or will find other. There is no customer facing just colleagues and most work places are quite progressive about this stuff I imagine

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mummykel16 · 10/02/2022 17:47

Always felt like a woman, what nonsense

SamphiretheStickerist · 10/02/2022 17:45

But I do think that if someone identifies as a woman and is exclusively attracted to women then it makes zero sense for them to describe themselves as straight

And that seeingly was typed out with no thought for the gay women who would be affected by this!

NOTHING abou tthe situation makes sense. But the constant focus n the needs, feelings of the man making a change that will impact every member of his family remains irritating (word chosen so as not to get placed in the naughty step).

borntobequiet · 10/02/2022 17:43

If we are to accept that men can become women....then a relabelling of their sexual orientation is surely a logical step

No amount of logical steps can render an argument from a false premise logically true. A man cannot become a woman.

mummykel16 · 10/02/2022 17:42

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@2Rebecca all valid questions and I don't know! No he says he wants to be a woman. That he always felt like one. I don't know what it feels like to wanting to be a certain gender as I never had these feelings. I think people who don't have issues with their gender identity don't know what it feels like and try to answer more philosophical questions like what it means to be a woman or a man... he says he wants to look more feminine more like a woman and others looking at him as a woman. In my mind in this world it's easier to be a man. I guess there were issues in his childhood that led him not wanting to be a man.[/quote]
He doesn't know either, it's impossible

Strugglingwifeofatrans · 10/02/2022 17:42

I've unsurprisingly have name changed and PMd you. There are various "support groups" out there some like many posters on here are very "anti trans" and clearly dont really understand it.
Am I correct in thinking you're not in the UK?

Original poster

LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin · 10/02/2022 17:42

@LoisLane66 oh maybe... You know what's funny, when I we are eager myself I liked goth looking young men who wore make up and black nails but they identified as men... I don't like the fake boob territory.. but gosh who knows..

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OhHolyJesus · 10/02/2022 17:41

Found it - this is Emma, I'm not 100% certain burn I think this woman is behind the children of Transitioners website. Can anyone else confirm?

Whatsnewpussyhat · 10/02/2022 17:40

I'm a straight woman and I wouldn't be attracted to a woman who transitioned to being a man

But I do think that if someone identifies as a woman and is exclusively attracted to women then it makes zero sense for them to describe themselves as straight

Are you serious? So it's ok for you as a straight woman, not to be attracted to transmen because you know they are female and you aren't gay, yet you think lesbians should be attracted to males who 'identify as women'?

It IS homophobic to redefine the legally protected characteristic of sexual orientation of lesbians, defined as same SEX attracted FEMALES, to accommodate straight males.

Woman isn't a bloody 'gender'

astoundedgoat · 10/02/2022 17:38

I'm sorry you are going through this, and your husband too, who is clearly having a very hard time.

The possible sexual assault as a child stands out above all else though. He feels something unbearable about being a man, and assumes that being a woman will "fix" it, but there is no guarantee that this is the case, and the data suggests quite the opposite.

It sounds like he needs a lot of therapy for himself more broadly before addressing the "solution" of transitioning.

Original poster

LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin · 10/02/2022 17:38

@heathspeedwell thank you for your story, I'm sorry you had to go through this. I completely agree that a good therapist should be our absolutely first step. I don't think he lied, I think he was in love, he was living like a man and wanted to suppress his feeling of wanting to be a woman..then realizing that he can confide in me.. then 10 years after.. now realizing he might not be able to suppress these feelings forever and the need to be a woman grew. Possibly after becoming a father as it added to an expectation of being a male figure, a man.. I don't know speculating here. I don't remember if it was before or after marriage he started talking about it but I didn't take it seriously at all back then..

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MsAgnesDiPesto · 10/02/2022 17:33

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@2Rebecca all valid questions and I don't know! No he says he wants to be a woman. That he always felt like one. I don't know what it feels like to wanting to be a certain gender as I never had these feelings. I think people who don't have issues with their gender identity don't know what it feels like and try to answer more philosophical questions like what it means to be a woman or a man... he says he wants to look more feminine more like a woman and others looking at him as a woman. In my mind in this world it's easier to be a man. I guess there were issues in his childhood that led him not wanting to be a man.[/quote]
I agree that it’s likely the result of childhood trauma, and that it is not, therefore, something that is innate. So he really needs to explore this in extreme depth with a professional before he is in a position to decide that medical intervention will make him well.

However - all that is his emotional labour to do, and not yours. You don’t have to suggest or support or explain or cajole. He has to do it all himself.

In your situation I would be saying fine, if this is what you think will make you happy, go and do it, but we need to be apart in the meantime. Once you are happy with who you are (whether through therapy or transition) we can talk about whether I would like to be in a relationship with that new person. But I’m not prepared to go through the day to day issues it will create for me and for our child to get there. If my husband, the man I fell in love with, was telling me he didn’t want to be the person I love any more, I wouldn’t be able to love and support him through taking that person away from me.

user1481840227 · 10/02/2022 17:32

@RedToothBrush
It's not in any way homophobic.
Absolutely ridiculous.

pinkandpurplepetals · 10/02/2022 17:32

I could not stay in this relationship. No one wakes up one day and decides they're trans. He's betrayed you. Seeing as you could divorce it looks like this is your best option. Sorry you're in this situation.

Original poster

LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin · 10/02/2022 17:31

@Wordlemakesmegrumpy thank you! I'll read the book.. such a new territory and indeed so many unknowns..

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Toanewstart23 · 10/02/2022 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Original poster

LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin · 10/02/2022 17:26

@DogsAndGin thank you for your lovely comment! Agree, even now I'm trying to laugh about it too

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Original poster

LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin · 10/02/2022 17:22

@2Rebecca all valid questions and I don't know! No he says he wants to be a woman. That he always felt like one. I don't know what it feels like to wanting to be a certain gender as I never had these feelings. I think people who don't have issues with their gender identity don't know what it feels like and try to answer more philosophical questions like what it means to be a woman or a man... he says he wants to look more feminine more like a woman and others looking at him as a woman. In my mind in this world it's easier to be a man. I guess there were issues in his childhood that led him not wanting to be a man.

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Squidgames4U · 10/02/2022 17:16

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@Squidgames4U Wow just wow!! That would be ideal maybe for me too. [/quote]
I'm happy to ask her for any resources or support she found useful for her and their kids if you like.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/02/2022 17:14

Unfortunately you are sort of in a 'reactionary' mode as the decision to transition is solely his, if you choose to wait for him to make up his mind. And what he decides is 'right' today may not be what he decides tomorrow or the next day or the next year..

I think that at this point you need to think only about what is right for you and your DC regardless of what your DH decides. You have to think about what is right for you for the long term regardless of him.

Original poster

LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin · 10/02/2022 17:13

@Squidgames4U Wow just wow!! That would be ideal maybe for me too.

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mummykel16 · 10/02/2022 17:05

@MistOverTheDowns

What a selfish man-how does he think this is going to affect his child.

He may as well howl at the moon as want to become a woman-the best he can be is a transwoman and that is not the same thing at all.

Time for him to stop putting his fantasy first and put his child first and, honestly, if he couldn't do that and he was my husband, I'd divorce him.

Stop trying to be so cool and put your child first because this bumping weight prick thinks he comes before his child.

True

user1481840227 · 10/02/2022 17:03

@Scianel

If we are to accept that men can become women

But do we though?

Well that's what I am saying.....

If we are to accept that men can become women....then a relabelling of their sexual orientation is surely a logical step....so it's mind boggling to me that that poster said to the OP that her saying her husband would be considered lesbian was homophobic!

Wouldn't it be transphobic to say that a man who transitioned to a woman and was attracted to women was straight? as that wasn't accepting that he was now a woman?!