Husband transitioning help!

"Too many stories of people who STILL have massive MH issues despite transitioning for example."
Yes your right but for many transexuals their MH does improve significantly with transitioning.
Ive just googled side rates amongst transexuals and lots of articles detailing higher incidence of suicide. Ironically I used to work with a MH team and youngster who had gender dysphoria and we were also told that that had a higher incidence of suicide.
It's largely irrelevant for the OP she and her DH and her DC are in a very sad and difficult position and they all need support. OP your DH needs to find a therapist who really dose specialise in this (in the UK not easy to find outside of London). You need to also find a therapist to help you work out what you want to do. Any transitioning takes years nothing happened over night and there are strict guidelines in the UK regard when they can be legally prescribed hormones (obviously they can purchase them illegally of the internet) and when any surgery etc can be performed.

This is about you your DH and your DC not want people on here are saying about it. you must do what feels right for you, some women stay with their partners even after they've transitioned other stay friends others have nothing to do with their partners it doesn't mater one bit others say or think about transexuals or what causes it it is all about you and what is going to work for you short term medium term and long term. Im currently having therapy and I am realising that you can make short term decisions for example short term might be to stay in the relationship whilst your husband goes for therapy to work out what he wants to do because you are comfortable with this, a medium term decision e.g.if you DH decides he definitely wants to be a women you do not want to stay in a husband/wife relationship and therefore you will divorce (however sad that'll both make you) and a long term decision you will stay good friends and parent together. There is nothing black and white about this. But you must make the decisions for yourself what will work for you other wise you will feel that you have no control in this situation and that your DH is calling all the shots. And also remember you are free to change your mind, what may feel right today may not feel right in 3 moths time.

OP please don't be gaslit into thinking that 'being kind' means just doing what your husband wants and accepting his reality as factual. Look after yourself too whichever way you want this to pan out. Be wary of any advice from anyone who says these threads are 'anti trans' as really that translates into believing that anyone other than the trans person in any situation has any rights. You do have rights and your needs are legitimate.

@katepilar, yes. Perhaps kinder than he deserves. He is turning the life of his wife and child upside down. He entered a marriage while knowing he was not who his wife thought. He's putting his desire to change above the status quo.

Imagine OP unilaterally decided to join the forces and get sent around the world leaving her DH and DC to reorganise themselves around her new role.
Or decided that food should be eaten raw and no one in the house was allowed cooked food.
Or decided electricity was dangerous and wouldn't allow any electrical devices in the house.

Perhaps they aren't direct parallels. It's hard to think of an equivalent change OP can force on her family. Make no mistake about it, for him to transition is to force huge change upon his family.

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@Whatsnewpussyhat yes we can do that but he's still a co-parent... how to navigate that..[/quote]
All you can do is your best.

I agree that you should divorce now, get it all over and sorted before he changes as IF he ends up like others, and has a personality transplant, at least you have all the legal and financial stuff in place and it’s only the logistics left.

Perhaps go to see a solicitor (if you are in England) for some initial advice even if you might never divorce and go to someone who is up to date - as English divorce law is about or has just changed.

Make sure you each have a will and you have full details of each others' pensions, bank accounts, P60s, pay slips etc.

Depending on your age if you only have one child you might want to have 1 or 2 more with him before it is too late although I know that will the opposite of what most people will think. As he as arguably led you down the garden path through a whole marriage and if you are say 37 and expected he would give you another child he probably owes it to you to let you still have one.

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@lucythejuicy he did tell me many times and before we had our child.. I just didn't want to take it seriously I was in complete denial. But he also said that whilst he wanted to be a woman he didn't have the guts to transition. I think he's still trying to figure stuff out.[/quote]
I haven’t experienced this personally, OP, but I honestly think you should get out of this relationship now. You are probably going to get very hurt in the long run and it’s better to make a fresh start. It’ll be easier to co-parent if you don’t get pulled into the maelstrom-please don’t be his sounding board for how he feels about transitioning, this is so complicated and he needs to talk it through with a therapist.

Oooh! @Squidgames4U Thanks for that. Most comprehensive! I shall archive it forthwith!

Transexuals have a significantly higher incidence of suicide because everyday they struggle with their identity this drops to the the same as the rest of the population post transitioning.

You are going to be disappointed when you go and look for the data that underpins that claim @Strugglingwifeofatrans As many long term poster here are on;ly too aware it is a basless claim, or rather it is based on very little evidence, al of which is questionable, does not come from any proper research.

It is, however, said everywhere it can possibly be said. By those, like a certain fox chasing personage on Radio 2 yesterday, to many trans individuals,SM sites etc. Ask anyone who told you this to show you their sources and you will be blocked, called some very unpleasant names, instantly. Many of them know very well that theire is nothing to back up that claim.

Will help. It has links to various research as well as presenting th information

Why do you not believe it? I understand from psychiatrists who specialise on this area many transexuals say the same thing why would they make it up? Why would my DH make it up? There is no point. It makes no difference to me when he started to feel like this.

I said in my post why they would make it up.

Also they need to present their transition as being inevitable rather than being a choice.

To a lot of trans widows it does matter to us when they started to feel that way, because it's the difference between them marrying us knowing that they were lying or not.

My sympathy this is a tricky thing. Seek as much support as you can get! You aren't alone with this. It's such a hard thing to go through.

I'd honestly focus on 1. You! And 2. coparenting effectively for now. I'd prioritise myself and kids and kind of let him crack on.

I wouldn't look to support him at this time. You only have so much energy. It needs to be focused on you and the kids.

He needs to seek support that isn't you. You should not be doing emotional labour for him- you have enough yourself.

I wouldn’t get bogged down with his sexuality and whether he’s straight or gay as tbh it’s irrelevant right now.

What is important is that you both get support and you are open with each other about how you are feeling.

I do believe that some people are confused about their gender as they’ve been through trauma or are just not happy with themselves but some are genuinely born in the wrong body as we know chromosomes aren’t perfect, and your husband is definitely someone who fits that category.

I think it’s really nice to read about someone who is open with their partner enough to tell them about this even though you could have ended things straight away and it’s lovely to hear how supportive and open you are even though your world has been turned upside down.

Transexuals have a significantly higher incidence of suicide because everyday they struggle with their identity this drops to the the same as the rest of the population post transitioning

Could you link to the stats for this please? I’ve been trying for ages to back these statements up and can’t find anything other than it just seems to be quoted as fact.

Transexuals have a significantly higher incidence of suicide because everyday they struggle with their identity this drops to the the same as the rest of the population post transitioning.

I'd need to see some stats to support this claim.

I think there are many reason why people might want to transition.

For some it will be something that has always been there for them.

For some there will have been a trigger - childhood abuse, struggling to deal with unwanted attention as a teen etc etc

Etc…

I don’t think it’s helpful to put everyone in the same category and expect them to need he same level of support. Too many stories of people who STILL have massive MH issues despite transitioning for example.

"That he always felt like one. I don't know what it feels like to wanting to be a certain gender as I never had these feelings. I think people who don't have issues with their gender identity don't know what it feels like and try to answer more philosophical questions like what it means to be a woman or a man... he says he wants to look more feminine more like a woman and others looking at him as a woman. In my mind in this world it's easier to be a man. I guess there were issues in his childhood that led him not wanting to be a man."
As far as Im aware there are no "issues in childhood that lead to this, my DH has seen psychiatrists and been told it has nothing to do with your childhood. I dont know why some men and women feel like this and I think as you said those of us who dont feel like this will never really understand what it feels like however much we try and empathise. My DH cannot remember not feeling like this, (he now late middle aged and has hidden it much of his life) he says as young as 4 he was secretly wearing his sister underwear. Transexuals have a significantly higher incidence of suicide because everyday they struggle with their identity this drops to the the same as the rest of the population post transitioning. Not all are happy for transitioning but for many I changes there whole lives for the better. I once read an article from a transexual she said before transitioning everything and everyday was such struggle and life was grey post transitioning life is still not easy by any stretch of the imagination but now everything is in colour.
Im not saying any of the above makes it easier for you it is a very complicated and sad situation you are both in.

You literally just removed my first sentence from my post which was
I don't think that women have to see transmen as women and that women need to include them as part of their dating pool.

and by women I meant lesbian women which was obvious as I quoted the text I was responding to.

Ridiculous!!!!

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@Larryyourwaiter he is a specialist and I imagine will carry on either in his current job or will find other. There is no customer facing just colleagues and most work places are quite progressive about this stuff I imagine [/quote]
Just out of interest is your partner in a male dominated field? Are there female colleagues at the office who would be expected to share toilet and maybe even changing room facilities with your partner? Would your partner expect this?

As this would be a different issue outside of your relationship that could impact your partner's employment and potentially your life at home.

I'm another who suggests your partner visits a therapist who doesn't simply affirm but seeks to explore the root cause of these feelings, and I would also suggest you find someone for yourself.