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Original poster

I don’t fit in anymore

81 replies

Slowwormwiggle · 04/02/2022 19:42

Everyday I feel I have less in common with my female peers. I am in my mid 40s I have always worked in the charity sector. I care about social justice and volunteer in my community. I am no saint but a sense of duty was drummed into me at an early age due to a religious upbringing. I am no longer religious but believe in being a good neighbour and trying to help others.

I have many wonderful and kind friends. I would say we all consider ourselves feminists and care a lot about women’s rights. However I am finding their version of feminism so hard to understand. They are obsessed with supporting issues like young people identifying as non binary or trans. I have two young daughters and am horrified by the social contagion that could influence my daughters to think there was something wrong with their bodies.

At the same time they are outraged by any violence against women (rightly so) but they see no safeguarding risks with the compromises girls are expected to take to accommodate trans girls. I don’t understanding why they can’t see the link? Why is suddenly ok for a girl to see a penis in the changing room?

I have also worked for a long time with women from traditional religious backgrounds. I know they feel more and more pushed out by the way these issues are developing. The irony is my friends would be horrified if these women faced racism however they don’t see how the issues around trans women make life even harder for these women. These women will just shrink from public life even more if they are under pressure to compromise their beliefs.

I am starting to think that a lot of the activist issues are really just luxury views held my women that are not affected by them. My friends are women with secure work and homes . There is very little they have to fight for.

We are all left leaning but there is so much they see as important that I don’t. I want to stop domestic violence and poverty, not obsess about trans rights.

I am a total coward. When we talk about this stuff I say nothing or just try and change the subject. It make me feel lonely and wonder if I am the misguided bigot?? They would definitely think I am awful for questioning any of these issues.

OP posts:
PaleGreenGhost · 04/02/2022 20:24

Solidarity. But you won't be the only one, I promise. Many of us are necessarily stealth.

Artichokeleaves · 04/02/2022 20:21

I also find it deeply sad that activists complain so bitterly about female people prioritising biology - and yet wholly relying on them doing so.

If female people didn't care about biology they would stop subordinating themselves to anyone born male, and demand and expect actual equality of values, treatment, entitlement, voice. And then the activist movement would really be in trouble.

Etinoxaurus · 04/02/2022 20:18

Hello sister. 👋
I’m the only one on my team without pronouns and have very obviously been sidelined. We’ve reached an uneasy truce.
Hold tight.

Artichokeleaves · 04/02/2022 20:12

The irony is my friends would be horrified if these women faced racism however they don’t see how the issues around trans women make life even harder for these women.

This. And women with Autism. Women with dementia. Disabled women.

This kind of person is usually so right on in their awareness and care for protected characteristics and inclusion and equality and removing barriers. I find it absolutely heartbreaking how all of that is abandoned on the spot if finding a solution that includes those women too would involve saying no to a male person.

It makes me wonder how much these values are merely performative in society, and it makes me realise how deeply trained women are in prioritising by biology. While dutifully repeating the mantra that sex isn't binary. It's bloody well binary in deciding who gets 'included' by being given all the choices for their best fit, and who just gets excluded and had better not open their mouths about it. It's downright horrible values.

LovejoysVase · 04/02/2022 20:11

I understand.
I keep trying to educate myself in an attempt to get where they’re coming from, but every time I do I end up more GC.
I didn’t expect my non-controversial views to ever be considered hateful or bigoted, yet here we are.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 04/02/2022 20:07

OP I completely understand. I work in the charity sector too & like you am baffled by the cognitive dissonance between “we must stop violence against women & girls & do all we can to keep them safe/ TWAW and should be in womens spaces”

I don’t talk about it at work & so far it hasn’t come up but I’m bracing myself that one day it will. I would lose my job if I made too much fuss so I do what I can in other ways - contributing to funds, writing to my MP, picking up orgs who misrepresent tje 9 protected characteristics

You can only do what you can but I sympathise completely - I’ve lost friends o wr this and it’s horrible to feel you can’t have an honest discussion about it

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