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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Dad taking daughters into the ladies or disabled toilets

260 replies

MattDillonsEyebrows · 22/01/2022 14:32

If a dad was on his own with two daughters ages 4 & 5, would you have an issue with him going into the ladies toilets with them? He says he would call out, that he is a man, and coming in with his daughters and would stay in a cubicle, and also call out when leaving the cubicle. But obviously he would need to use the sinks to wash hands.

Or would you suggest he uses the disabled toilets instead?

The reason he doesn't want to use the mens, is a) them having to walk past urinals and strange men peeing, and b) due to the all too common state of men's toilets in general and even the sit down toilet usually has pee all over the seat and is generally disgusting and he doesn't want to subject his daughters to this.

I personally wouldn't have an issue with this because I agree with his reasons for not wanting to take his daughters in there, but obviously his presence would more than likely make some women feel uncomfortable which he would not want to do.

Disabled toilet is obviously another option, but having seen some of the disabled toilet threads on here, that would also cause an issue if a disabled person was waiting. Obviously a child, is unlikely to be able to wait.

Please nobody retort with 'well the fact that men's toilet's are filthy isn't the women's problem' or similar as, whilst I agree with this sentiment, unfortunately they do tend to be gross and changing that would take huge societal change which let's face it, is not likely to happen soon.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 22/01/2022 18:36

Honestly I would expect DH to use a disabled toilet with a baby change facility - I wouldn't be happy my girls going in and seeing mens penis'. Not sure what age it's acceptable for DS to come in the ladies with me until but I wouldn't feel happy sending him into the men's alone at 6

Wafflesnsniffles · 22/01/2022 18:32

If they were boys aged 4 and 5 he would take them into the mens - so equally he should take 4 and 5 yo girls into the mens too. Not nice for the girls but he would be there to help/support/protect them so no issue really. A man in the ladies toilets is definitely an issue.

Dadalus · 22/01/2022 18:31

Always took my daughters into the men's with no issues. My eldest is now just about on to go into the ladies on her own with me waiting nearby. Wouldn't dream of entering the ladies.

Lovelyricepudding · 22/01/2022 18:27

Hertsgirl10 and if the father needed the toilet whilst he was in the cubicle then I guess you would be OK with that? What about if the girls didn't need the toilet at all just him? Still OK to use the ladies? What about if he had a baby in a pram who didn't fit in the cubicle so left the door open?

What about the 7 year old girl using the ladies on her own? Or the teenager embarassed by the rustle of sanitary wrappings? Or the Muslim women who now can't use the toilet? Or the mum whose pram didn't fit so had left the door open and the pram in front? I guess you would think these girls women 'hysterical'?

liveforsummer · 22/01/2022 18:24

By 5 though I'd have thought they can manage ok on their own

liveforsummer · 22/01/2022 18:23

This is absolutely not ok. Why can't he call out in to the men's to ensure the penises are away while he ushers his children through, or yes, the disabled is fine imo. Men in the ladies - no way. It's a safe space and could be traumatic for someone

TurquoiseBaubles · 22/01/2022 18:23

@Hertsgirl10

Oh forget what I said I didn’t realise what bored I was on, of course there’s hysterics 😂

OP ask on another board.

Who has the bingo card? Here's another: women saying no are hysterical.
TurquoiseBaubles · 22/01/2022 18:21

@Lovelyricepudding

It seems many people do not consider the split to be men and women's but rather men and then 'anyone who doesn't fancy using the men's for whatever reason because women can just budge up'
This exactly.

We are back to the Green Party Men and Non-Men.

If all children are to go to the women's to protect their eyes from men (as suggested by quite a few upthread), then there is no women's.

Verillion · 22/01/2022 18:21

Lord, how many reasons are people going to come up with to excuse men using women’s loos?

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 22/01/2022 18:18

I would be very upset with a man who did this. If the problem is that the men’s toilets aren’t clean enough then he should campaign for them to improve.

I happily send my DD into the ladies as I believe she will be safe. If there is a man in there we lose that. So a big no from me.

DaisyWaldron · 22/01/2022 18:17

That's one of the reasons why I prefer unisex toilets/dressing rooms. Otherwise you end up with situations where men are in the women's toilets/young girls have to go past urinals/little boys are left unsupervised in men's toilets/little girls have to rely on random strangers for help toileting/mothers take in a disproportionate care load.

Hertsgirl10 · 22/01/2022 18:16

This reply has been deleted

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Lovelyricepudding · 22/01/2022 18:15

Spooky in such a situation I would probably treat the whole toilets as a single cubical and stop anyone entering and use whichever is easiest to allow this men's or women's.

Hertsgirl10 · 22/01/2022 18:14

@FairyLightQueen

I don't understand how people would rather have a small girl see a stranger's penis than let a small girl use the toilets of her own sex! How is that feminist?!
@FairyLightQueen

I mean assuming the females aren’t pissing with doors wide open I’m sure this dad won’t be seeing anything private and the 2 young kids will see a lot in the gents toilets.

Hertsgirl10 · 22/01/2022 18:11

Wouldn’t bother me at all, people seem hysterical about this though.

SpookyScarySkeletons · 22/01/2022 18:06

@Lovelyricepudding there isn't always an accessible toilet.

Me and DH called at a pub for a Sunday afternoon meal and drink a few months ago. I'm in a wheelchair. They didn't have an accessible toilet.

My DH had to help me out of my chair and support me into the ladies toilet, help me and lift me on and off the toilet. There was literally no other option.

Should I have had to use the mens toilet instead because I needed his assistance?

Lovelyricepudding · 22/01/2022 18:05

I know people say disabled toilets must be kept for disabled people, but if we think why they need them - because they need to take carers with them to help with clothes or cleaning, because they have limited control of bladder or bowel and urgency, because they may need to change due to soiling, because they may need to wash themselves, etc. - many of these issues also apply to young children.

DryHeave · 22/01/2022 17:52

I’d say use the disabled toilet. Young young’s shouldn’t have to walk past men using urinals. Sending them alone into the women’s may have been an option even 5 years ago - now who knows who is in there and cannot be confronted.

SkegnessShogun · 22/01/2022 17:48

@FairyLightQueen

I don't understand how people would rather have a small girl see a stranger's penis than let a small girl use the toilets of her own sex! How is that feminist?!
How can they be toilets for her own sex if they're being used by men?
BringBackCoffeeCreams · 22/01/2022 17:47

I would be very uneasy at a man in the women's toilet as it clearly flags them as a man who doesn't care about women's boundaries. He's prioritising his wants above every other female who needs to use that space

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 22/01/2022 17:46

I always go in the disabled as Mine are too young to be left waiting for me to finish! My OH takes them into the disabled loo as well

mandajmo · 22/01/2022 17:44

Most toilets are called accessible now rather than disabled. Better to use the accessible toilet.

covilha · 22/01/2022 17:44

My Dad used to take me into the men’s, and check With the men in there that it was okay first.

A good lesson in respect and boundaries for everyone.
This was pre-disabled toilet days. I used to take my male children to the disabled toilets once in the past the age of about six, Too old to come to the ladies with me, too young to go to the gents on their own.

Lovelyricepudding · 22/01/2022 17:42

Why shouldn't men change their babies on the floor of the men's? You take mats to put down and if it is too yucky then you find somewhere else. The advantage of nappies is, with the rare exception, you get time to find somewhere OK and most town centres have a number of options. You don't just go to the ladies.

Goldbar · 22/01/2022 17:40

On the men's toilets being disgusting point, women's toilets are often not much better in places with lots of families, often because they are used by young boys accompanying their female parent. That's part of the reason why it's useful to carry anti-bacterial gel and handwash on trips out and we did this even pre-Covid. Also, if men's toilets really are that disgusting, why should male children be expected to put up with them rather than their fathers bringing them into the women's toilets? And I think people would agree that a male parent bringing male children into the female toilets would be nonsensical.

On the privacy/dignity point, as a society we do not consider that young children have the same requirements for single-sex spaces to preserve their dignity as grown adults. Neither is it considered that the presence of young children of the opposite sex infringes the dignity of adults. That's why as a rule women don't object to small boys accompanied by their mothers coming into the female toilets/changing-rooms. Nor is this considered an infringement of the boys' dignity.