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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Dad taking daughters into the ladies or disabled toilets

260 replies

MattDillonsEyebrows · 22/01/2022 14:32

If a dad was on his own with two daughters ages 4 & 5, would you have an issue with him going into the ladies toilets with them? He says he would call out, that he is a man, and coming in with his daughters and would stay in a cubicle, and also call out when leaving the cubicle. But obviously he would need to use the sinks to wash hands.

Or would you suggest he uses the disabled toilets instead?

The reason he doesn't want to use the mens, is a) them having to walk past urinals and strange men peeing, and b) due to the all too common state of men's toilets in general and even the sit down toilet usually has pee all over the seat and is generally disgusting and he doesn't want to subject his daughters to this.

I personally wouldn't have an issue with this because I agree with his reasons for not wanting to take his daughters in there, but obviously his presence would more than likely make some women feel uncomfortable which he would not want to do.

Disabled toilet is obviously another option, but having seen some of the disabled toilet threads on here, that would also cause an issue if a disabled person was waiting. Obviously a child, is unlikely to be able to wait.

Please nobody retort with 'well the fact that men's toilet's are filthy isn't the women's problem' or similar as, whilst I agree with this sentiment, unfortunately they do tend to be gross and changing that would take huge societal change which let's face it, is not likely to happen soon.

OP posts:
Thingybob · 22/01/2022 15:08

It may not be the same in every area but don't most loos for the disabled also have baby change facilities? If so I don't think it would be inappropriate for a man to use those when he is out with young daughters.

HMG107 · 22/01/2022 15:06

The best options sound like using the family or disabled loo.

As a disabled individual who is also a mum, as well as a relative of a sexual abuse survivor, I’d be happy to wait if he did need to use the disabled loo and didn’t feel comfortable using the men’s . Using the women’s loo doesn’t sounds like it’d work.

Pixiedust1234 · 22/01/2022 15:05

my dad used to ask another mother to take me into the womens toilets when I was younger but it was very rare my mother wouldn't have been around. No way would he have come into the womens toilets, and no way would the women have allowed it!

MattDillonsEyebrows · 22/01/2022 15:05

@TurquoiseBaubles
I promise I'm not giving away any rights, even though I personally would not necessarily have an issue with this particular scenario, I agree with all the points raised in this discussion and would not advocate for the man to take his daughters into the ladies.
I agree with you.

The only reason I didn't want anyone to comment on the fact that the state of men's toilets is not women's problem (which I agree is isn't) is because I was looking for an answer to a particular issue.

OP posts:
TheAverageUser · 22/01/2022 15:04

No he needs to use the men's toilet. The state of the toilets isn't really relevant because little boys would use it too. Just clean it with wipes or get seat cover or such like if they're really gross.

TooWicked · 22/01/2022 15:03

If using men’s toilets is a problem for him them he needs to be planning days out, shopping trips, etc with his daughters and researching where about the family toilets are.

The women's toilets aren't there for males who happen to find them more convenient than using the men's.
This^

Thirtytimesround · 22/01/2022 15:01

If the girls can’t manage in the loo by themselves, which at age 4-5 is surprising, then he has to take his daughters into the mens, or (and this is what most dads I know do if the child can’t cope alone) find a bush.

Totally agree that the men’s loos are disgusting, but the little boys have to use them and it’s gross for them too…

But at age 4-5 the girls will be using toilets with no help at school, so why can’t they go into the ladies on their own??

The one thing that is definitely NOT an option is for a grown man to march into the ladies toilets.

Kriskristoffifee · 22/01/2022 15:01

Toilets for the disabled ffs not disabled Toilets .

Whatwouldscullydo · 22/01/2022 15:00

Or option 2.. claim it as an excuse as to why he can't take the kids anywhere.

Perhaps this is why mens loos r often filthy
Some kinda collective effort to protect men from their parenting duties 🤔

DinaofCloud9 · 22/01/2022 14:59

Of course he shouldn't take them into the women's toilets. This is because he is a man. Dear God.

sweepthenmop · 22/01/2022 14:58

Men do not belong in women's toilets.

That's all.

Giveaschitt · 22/01/2022 14:58

What will he do when he needs the toilet while out with them? Will he take them in to the men's with him then? And if so, why is that different to him taking them with him while they go? Or will he decide its OK for him to use the women's toilets for himself as well?

Quornflakegirl · 22/01/2022 14:57

We have twin girls and dh took them into me toilets and change rooms until around age 7. He never raised this as an issue and wouldn’t have been comfortable going into women only spaces.

TurquoiseBaubles · 22/01/2022 14:56

I've just had another thought, by the way.

If the hypothetical man can't take his toddler daughter into the men's because the cubicles are too dirty, how can he take his toddler son? After all, boys have to sit until they are tall enough to stand to use the loo. Are people suggesting it's ok for men with children of any sex to come into the women's?

For those of you who don't mind, it's incredibly selfish to think you can give permission to take away the rights of the many women who do.

Wasabiprawns · 22/01/2022 14:55

Think of it the other way - would it be ok for a mum to take her son into the men's toilet? Not really.

UltraVividLament · 22/01/2022 14:54

He should be finding places where the men's toilets are clean, or where there are family toilets/baby change with a toilet.

If there aren't enough family toilets then he can add his weight to campaigns to create them. Just like the Changing Places campaign did/do to get larger toilets with hoists and other accessibility aids for adults/children with severe disabilities.

DazzlePaintedBattlePants · 22/01/2022 14:54

He needs to take them to the mens and, if he thinks the male toilets are too repulsive to subject his daughters to, do something about that.

Dammitthisisshit · 22/01/2022 14:53

No I wouldn’t be happy.
DH always took DC into the mens.

Whatwouldscullydo · 22/01/2022 14:51

He needs to use the mens. Amd do what women do in that when taking our children out and about and planning our day, the age and toilet needs of the children factor in on that. We just wouldn't go somewhere where the toilets were filthy and unsuitable for children.

A man's not special..he don't get to forgo this extra layer of responsibility we get when we are parents amd place it onto everyone else.

MattDillonsEyebrows · 22/01/2022 14:51

@Aroundtheworldin80moves
That's a really good point about women's boundaries.

I feel the same as @PurplePeculiar, in that situation, I'd be ok with it but not if a man was 'identifying' as a woman. I also realise many women wouldn't be ok with it, despite the children, (which is fine), so wanted to get a general consensus.

OP posts:
kitty96 · 22/01/2022 14:51

No. He takes them into the men's.

No adult male should be in the women's toilets.

Goldilocks99 · 22/01/2022 14:49

DH makes a point of asking where he can change our baby's nappies. We think it's important for people to realise that men are equal caregivers too, so even if there's an obvious changing station in the women's we try to use the facilities set up for fathers as this shows the need for them. He obviously never goes into the women's and we've never had a place that wouldn't accommodate him, apart from peak covid where all nappy stations were closed.

If we have a daughter he will be showing her how to respect other women's boundaries. Starting with modelling a grown man respecting their privacy. He will model wiping down the sea in the men's etc neatly to both male and female children. He will encourage independence whilst waiting outside and asking passing adult women to check up if need be.

He's a good role model. If he barged into the ladies what kind of model is he setting?

NothingTraLaLa · 22/01/2022 14:47

To add to my post above, we were happy sending 5-year-old DD into the ladies loos on her own on the basis that everyone in there would be female. Random men (including your DH, whatever his reasons for being there, and whether or not he has your DDs with him) wandering in would have made us rethink whether to send our young girl in there on her own.

NuffSaidSam · 22/01/2022 14:47

If this is a problem at a specific place, then he needs to speak to whoever manages it or source other toilets.

GoodnightGrandma · 22/01/2022 14:47

My DH took my daughter’s into the men’s.
He would never have gone in the ladies.