feel like I’m turning into an anti-marriage feminist

Most insidious is the 'only a piece of paper' take on marriage. So women, be it their own idea or their partners', end up living and rearing children in a simulacrum of the traditional structure, without any of the legal protections that go with it. It's immensely frustrating.

Marriage is an overhang of a patriarchal society that disincentivises women from being financially independent. I don’t believe a heterosexual nuclear family is the only environment to raise children or the only way to live

I don't think this is an argument against marriage. I think it's an argument for widening the meaning of marriage. I think an exclusive partnership of support and interdependence is useful for many humans, and I believe you should be able to confer the "benefits", if you like, of marriage (such as tax breaks, legal protection around property, expectation of support with shared children etc) onto any relationship- asexual, romantic, emotionally supportive etc. I think a pair of heterosexual single mothers or sisters, for example, should be allowed to form an exclusive partnership where each is protected if the other dies or leaves.

I don't think a sexual or romantic attraction is a good basis for building a life together, necessarily.

I am anti-marriage but not for the same reasons as you which I think are frankly ridiculous. You seem to be talking about weddings and superficial elements of them rather than marriage itself.

Marriage is an overhang of a patriarchal society that disincentivises women from being financially independent. I don’t believe a heterosexual nuclear family is the only environment to raise children or the only way to live - I’d much prefer to see things like free or heavily subsidised childcare and a universal basic income, and other set-ups (single mothers house-sharing together, gay friends co-parenting but living apart, communal living, single households etc) normalised and held in the same regard as the nuclear family, e.g. no lifestyle is superior to another.

Men are still excused from the vast majority of parenting and household duties by societal expectations, and workplaces and general pervading ‘traditional’ beliefs encourage this. Without marriage, women wouldn’t be beholden to men. Women would plan their lives with the expectation of supporting themselves first and foremost, and relationships and motherhood would be genuine choices, not something they become trapped by.

Marriage turns women against each other?!

I don't even know where to start unpacking that.

You do realise big ceremonies and parties and dresses are 100% optional don't you?

Marriage gives legal rights and protections which are absolutely critical for women and children.

The rest of it is just faux drama. It's odd that you wouldn't have noticed that OP. The amount of manufactured drama in the media / society really is insane.

No. Marriage provides a solid legal and economic framework for planning a future a with another person and raising children with that person.

The weddings and gifts and all the trappings are superficial nonsense.

The real power is in the legal contract. To understand that, just look at who still gets married. Well educated, high earning women marry other well educated high earning men. Together they are able to form an economic powerhouse and leverage their individual strengths to typically produce other well educated high earning individuals. Without that contract you don’t have the joint asset stipulation that helps compensate for the fact that women are the ones who give birth.

Women who are eschewing marriage are naive at best. It was never about romance or social standing.

I remain in favour of a proper support system for single mothers and their children despite seeing marriage more in a more positive light as I have been exposed to other perspectives.

Have a look here for a different perspective

reactionaryfeminist.com/2021/12/08/abolish-big-romance/

I am tending more towards Mary’s ideas on marriage nowadays.

Hook up culture is certainly not a feminist movement. Casual sex turns out to be unfulfilling and dangerous for most women.

And this podcast
The Same Drugs getpodcast.com/uk/podcast/the-same-drugs/danielle-crittenden-frum-on-feminism-marriage-and-gender-roles-in-the-_b309a11dd2

I don’t know if it sets women against women but there’s been studies that report marriage isn’t great for women’s mental health.

From a personal point of view I just have a deep horror at the thought of being a wife (which I can’t explain) although I have no problem with anyone else choosing marriage if that’s what they want.

And don’t start me on changing your name. How ridiculous is all that

I agree op. On mn lots of women love to lord up their dh big job etc over other women. As a (never married) single mum I have been subjected to so many awful comments like how it would be better if I’d had an abortion! Faod I was always the higher earner so don’t need to marry to care for my children. Many women still aim to «marry well» rather than to achieve their own success. It’s not a feminist position.

I would rather see a decent child support system and an end to the idea that marriage is a meal ticket for life.