My partner told me to go be an independent modern woman

He even threatens to not give me any money

I'm only half way through this but I'm seeing red flags. This is financially abusive.

I’m a SAHM to 2 small children but I also study full-time in person (not online). Husband is WFH. I get up with the children in the mornings, get them ready, take them to nursery, pick them up, make dinner and bathe them. I also do all the housework and all the grocery shopping. It works because even though I’m kind of doing everything, he is always there to help. He picks up the slack when I’m running late, or have forgotten something, or have too much going on at once. We’ve got to a point where we operate really efficiently without even needing to discuss it (though it’s taken a long time and a lot of arguments and nagging to get there!) I don’t think our system is for everyone but we do things the way I want because I like to be in charge of everything.

For sure, your partner needs to appreciate what you are and what you do for your home and your family, and he needs to do a more equal share of the housework and parenting especially if he expects you to work full-time on top of everything else.

@CrispAndFrosty I’ve thought about this . But I just feel like he won’t be in his life at all or be a dead beat if I left . I keep wondering what’s a worst for my son. To have a father he sees everyday who spends very little time with him or to not have a father in his life.
A father he sees every day be enabled to be absolutely useless is far worse. I’d plan to separate and fuck him off.

What an absolute c@@@. I’ve left my husband after 24 years of misogynistic bollocks. Fortunately , I kept my career going , killed myself working long hours and caring for DS whilst he did the bare minimum work and went the pub leaving me sat in .
So yes I’ve wasted all that time, but I am successful and well paid and hoping for happier times ahead. My husband ground me down for years , don’t be like me and waste all of those years. By all means. Pick up your career and don’t depend on him , but do it for YOU not him .

He sounds a right prat but you're absolutely right you can't do it all! I work full time and my DH and I share all cleaning, childcare, costs 50/50 or it wouldn't work xx

If you stay with him you need to be clear about the sharing of jobs. The only way I've found that works is take it in turns. Anything else leads to the mum doing the bulk of the work.
If you leave him you need to an carefully because he sounds like an entitled man who will expect his child as and when he has wants and leave you to pick up the pieces when he stuffs the child with junk food, puts them to bed at midnight etc

You're his mum, cook, cleaner, laundress ... He's 14.

Another single parent here too - and I do about 50/50 on the laundry with the kids, none of the cleaning as I pay someone else (who loves doing it!) while I’m working, so that I can spend my leisure time enjoying my DCs. XH doesn’t even live in this country so I get zero time off, but I don’t need it because I love my life. And he pays maintenance which helps too.

Your man here is financially abusive as well as being a useless lump of flesh, so you may as well go down the official route and get him to pay maintenance, get a job either whatever you used to do or something entirely new. You’ll be eligible for some top up working benefits if your wage isn’t enough to support you and your son, so you’re not going to be reliant on this idiot to support you - any payments you get out him will be a bonus.

He may well threaten that he wants your son 50/50 to get out of paying you anything, so keep a record of all the times you’ve asked him to help (if you can’t get it in writing - by text etc - even better!) then you can show that it’s not in your sons best interest to be with his uninterested dad 50/50.

Honestly your lives will be so much happier without him loafing around ignoring you both.

Your partner is a misogynist bully. Repeat. Your partner is a misogynist bully. For your sake, and for the sake of your child, I'd recommend you do everything in your power to exit that relationship.

What an arsehole. He wants you to work full time so that you bring in money, but he clearly has every intention of making sure you still do all the parenting and housework, doesn't he? I don't see a solution other than leaving him tbh. The only other choices are to carry on as you are (lonely and unsupported) or get a full time job like he says (lonely, unsupported and even more knackered than you are now) - while he sits on his games console .

Hes already a deadbeat.
What example is he setting to your son?
What example are you setting by putting up with such shoddy treatment from this manchild?
To answer your question, I work full time and do all the shopping, cooking and 90% cleaning and laundry because I'm a single parent.
My son does the other 10%and makes his own breakfast and packed lunch and keeps his own room clean.
Its not too bad, tiring sometimes but I'm not wasting energy resenting someone who should be helping but isnt.
Im not sad or angry or taken for granted and disrespected.
I know this isnt what you asked but I really think the best thing you could do for yourself and your son in this situation is leave.

Maybe provide him with a fullsome list of household tasks and chores (including the nursery run and taking days off for child sickness) and ask him which half he is would like to do when you get a job. That might temper his thinking!!!!

My ex was like this and believe me they do not improve with age.
I ended up with 2 kids living a separate life and indifference towards us turned into bitterness, it was just a big waste of years of my life.
He lives in a bedsit on his own now with beloved computer.

[quote blueberrybabe]@CrispAndFrosty I’ve thought about this . But I just feel like he won’t be in his life at all or be a dead beat if I left . I keep wondering what’s a worst for my son. To have a father he sees everyday who spends very little time with him or to not have a father in his life .[/quote]
This was the reply I was meant to post just

[quote blueberrybabe]@thevassal yes. I feel like he’s my son. Like I have two children around the house . Especially when our toddler goes into the room to play with him and he tells me to come and get him because he’s playing online . I feel like I have a teenager and a toddler[/quote]
Or option 3, a wonderful mummy who is unhappy.

3 is the worse.

Look at this another way. What kind of man is your son learning to be? A man who is going to help his future partner or one who plays xbox while his partner does all the donkey work.

I don't mean to be harsh OP

Even if you got a job, you have presumably taken a hit to your earning potential through maternity leave, whilst his should have been bolstered by being entirely supported at home and not having to expend any mental energy on his household. If you did get a job, bills should at best be split in proportion to earnings and certainly not fifty fifty.

Sounds like he'd leave if he got a better offer anyway. He's completely disengaged from his family. He's bitter that he doesn't get to spend all his money on himself. He has no interest in his son. He has no interest in OP.

If another woman or a better job elsewhere or whatever else came up, he'd be gone. No point waiting for it to happen, OP might as well leave him now if she can. And if you can't OP, work towards a plan.

It's not a short term depressive episode, this guy just doesn't want family life now he's got it. He might miss it when it's gone, he undoubtedly will blame OP for everything to everyone, but he's not a team player, he's not interested, and he doesn't even see OP as an equal. Hence the sarcastic "independent woman" remark.

He's not even a 1950s man, they didn't spend hours alone playing games originally intended for children did they? They at least socialised with other men...

Being single would be so much better, I would think. I split from my dd's father before she was born as I knew that he would be exactly like that, whether I earned money or not.

I'd personally much rather be alone than with a misogynist pig

Is it good for your son to have his dad as a role model? How will that help him grow into a good , kind man ? One that you could be proud of ?

@blueberrybabe yes, I focused on your son but the same is true for you. You are being rejected daily by this man. Imagine if you were free, one day, to enjoy the companionship of another man. Not necessarily live with him - just be able to enjoy yourself with someone who makes you feel good, go on dates. You feel single but you're not free to mingle as a single woman (not that you even have the time!). He's a dog in the manger. I'm glad to read that you do have a bit of freelance work, and it sounds like quite skilled work too.

I read a good bit of advice once (not that I always take it, but I should): imagine the situation is unchanged for the next year, two years, five years, ten years, forty years. At what point will you cut your losses? Decide what it will take, and start making a plan.

I keep wondering what’s a worst for my son. To have a father he sees everyday who spends very little time with him or to not have a father in his life.

A different question: "What's BEST for you?" What's an ideal life for you including being a happy parent raising a happy child?

OP from what you describe, you son doesn't have a father in his life. If you separate then ironically your son could actually get to 'spend time' with him.

He's projecting, he is the lazy pisstaker and he knows it. Bet he does a rubbish minimal job at work as well as nothing at home or as a parent. Its a mind set. Get rid of the sponger, his job wont last if that's his behaviour anyway, you're better off making it on your own.

He's a real peach isn't he.
50:50 would be a break for you and a wake up call for him.
You have my sympathies OP

Has he ever stayed home for a day and parented alone? If not I think you should make this happen.