Critic my Letter to DD school regards LGBT club

You might want to add some context to her attending - that she's not there because she's a NT teen questioning net sexuality, but because it is the only she can keep warm at lunchtime and it provides her with a sense of belonging as the school does not support ND children suitably.

Does the schools insurance cover them having 6th formers untrained in safeguarding running this group?

Adults - be they 18 year old 6th formers or especially teachers, are surely on very shaky ground when discussing sexuality with minors outside of a PHSE lesson. At what point does it become essentially grooming?

That is a brilliant addition by Skysblue, I would be furious if this was happening to my child. What on earth are the school thinking?

It’s good. Personally I would add a summary paragraph at the end, for example:
“To be clear, a school organised event is on school premises is providing unsupervised sex education by unqualified teenagers to a pre-puberty child who has special needs, and this has had and is having a negative effect in her mental health. The safeguarding and duty of care breaches are obvious. Please explain what steps the school is going to take to safeguard my child. Please consider this letter a formal complaint and note that I will be raising this very serious issue with the governers and Ofsted.”

[quote DoubleTweenQueen]@TheOccupier Ours is run by sixth form :/[/quote]
By a 6th form pupil? No teacher supervisor?

That’s a serious safeguarding issue & a call to ofsted imho

My son's friend was in a similar position in y7.
He is 3 years older now and does not attend or id as lgbt anymore.
I think for pre puberty, autistic children this club is a draw (belonging) but inappropriate.
I think the safeguarding element is very important.

I'm really sorry your daughter is having a tough time, OP. for you and her.

Your letter sounds good to me, and lots of good advice.

If she's looking for guidance, support etc in this area, I wonder if a female wouldn't suit her better than a male teacher, in this situation, going forward? Perhaps the club could find extra staff to support pupils, so it's not all one person with one outlook? If the club is discussing these issues then I would have imagined having both male and female teachers present would be desirable.

@TheOccupier Ours is run by sixth form :/

@Sickoffamilydrama Basically, the advice is now, overwhelmingly, to provide a neutral environment in school, and any issues with your daughter's feelings and conflict about her own identity are legally for you to be informed of, assess and seek proper professional support - that is your parental right, in law. School cannot divest you of that right.

I know exactly how tough this is and how it will have potentially placed a wedge between yourself and your DD - welcome to pm me if you want to chat.

I think it's a very good letter and am sorry it's been necessary for you to write it. Our schools are so messed up thanks to Stonewall and Mermaids!

One point: the mixed-age thing is a very important point but are you certain that pupils up to Y13 are attending this group? Could you perhaps get your older DD to verify that if she's at the same school?

@Sickoffamilydrama We are in same position as you and drafting similar letter!

Am also going along lines if what @timeisnotaline has suggested. No-one at school is suitably qualified to counsel your daughter about this, plus there is a huge glaring safeguarding issue (and hence a legal issue) if there are pupils above and very much below age of consent in the group - vast range of emotional and intellectual stages; potential for accusations of grooming.

Look at Safe Schools Alliance, and Genspect website has a recent webinar on ROGD (rapid onset gender dysphoria) you might find useful. Also Transgender Trend have their finger on the pulse.

Agree with Senua - I'd add a paragraph at the end to suggest your preferred outcome - you want to review the material taught at the club / you want to meet the teacher who runs it to discuss your daughter's specific needs / you want to withdraw her from the club etc. Whatever outcome you want, make it clear and ask for it specifically.

If it’s because he’s mentioned a husband or long term boyfriend in passing that’s one thing, the same way they know a teacher has a wife or husband etc.

But no teacher should be announcing their sexuality to children or discussing their sexuality with kids.

I’d be finding out how the kids know he’s gay and addressing the above if necessary.

It is a good letter, especially with the raising of safeguarding. However "I await your response on this matter" is too passive. Tell them what outcome you want.

I would absolutely send a letter and ask for a written response before any face to face meeting, so you’ve got something in writing.

"Tics", not "ticks" - in case spellchecker doesn't pick it up

Does your DD have any SEND support? I would also be asking what other lunchtime clubs she attends? How this club fits into her general pattern of social groups? This is age when the isolation of SEND kids becomes cruelly apparent at times, they are the ones with TAs, other kids suddenly v aware that being cool or in the right group matters more than being inclusive of disability. This kind of club will obviously demonstrate inclusivity as a mantra so it may be that she goes because it is the only lunchtime activity that accepts her. That says a very great deal about an ideal that is only practised in one area and that is a problem both because everywhere else isn’t and because of what is being discussed and who it is being discussed by.
I could see how my DD would have been happy to have been in any club that would have accepted her because she was excluded from everything ‘normal’ in the school

I don’t think I’ve anything to add as far as the letter goes (other than that I hate you’re having to send it but am glad for your DD you’re being so proactive) but as regards her tics/stimming does she have any existing non-harmful stims she might be able to use/divert to instead?
• With the finger-sucking, would she use something like a chewbuddy or any of the huge range suggested here (using sweets/gum as also suggested creates a whole host of other issues obviously).
• Do you know if she pulls her hair more/less if it’s up/down/tied a certain way? Can she express if the feeling is soothing because of the sensation in her head, or is she wrapping the hair round her fingers as she pulls & seeking that sensory feedback (or indeed both)? It can be really hard to break patterns of behaviour you’re not always really aware of until you find yourself at the end-point of the hairpull or with someone pointing out you are sucking your fingers/thumb. Trying to “learn” a new thing when you’re totally calm can sometimes help though - if you get your brain used to the idea that, say, stroking your hair will feel nice & stop everything being so overwhelming, it can - for some people, at least - help by providing another option when hand automatically goes for hair.
• As for the lip-licker’s dermatitis, you don’t mention if she’s had it before, but just in case it’s new, you might need to be prepared to write the school a note saying your DD has to use lipbalm throughout the day. Ideally she’d be able to apply emollient cream at some point during the school day but that would really require a co-operative school nurse - even if you sent your DD in with “doses” in wee travel pots, she’d need to wash her hands before applying it & trying to do so in school toilets sounds horrendous. If she gets eczema elsewhere or is prone to urticaria or dermatitis being ready with the hydrocortisone cream is extra important because it increases the chance of preventing it getting infected.

Really hope that things improve quickly. If you’ve not any kind of list/calendar of extra-curricular activities the school run could you request one; & then over the Christmas Holidays help her to plan trying out some that reflect her actual interests? (With an emphasis on just trying them - did she think that if she started going to a club she had to keep going? Was it ever the case with eg swimming lessons that she had to finish the term, leading to her understanding it to be A Rule that if you join you have stay for [at least] a term?) Have you had much contact with the SENCO/do they seem much good? It does seem as if they need to be keeping a much closer eye on things - I know girls are INCREDIBLE at masking at school then letting it all out at home, but if she’s not had some behavioural changes in school I’d be astonished; and the lip-licking is unmissable. A more joined-up approach is clearly needed. (And yes I’m very aware that teachers are insanely overloaded, but being given guidance over how best to support Sickoffamilydrama’s DD, including when to contact the SENCO, would actually be helpful?)

(I’m really sorry if you know all this already & my attempt to help is thus just irritating. It was the only help I had to offer though.)

Good god - in my day of a 12 year old announced to a teacher that they were gay or bi they’d hit the big red safeguarding button.

As with business letters - I’d out exactly when I’d want a response and how (call, email etc).

I would also CC the Head teacher. They can’t pretend this isn’t happening. Would her friends parents also be minded to write with their concerns?

You say a lot about it’s unclear what’s discussed etc- but presumably you don’t know what’s discussed other than what your dd tells you.

I’d be asking what is discussed. What plan do they have in place to cover topics or address questions brought up. Do they keep records of this- for safeguarding they should be- and how do they safeguard children who attend this club. How do they cater for the vastly different needs of an 11 year old girl and an 18 year old boy. For kids disability needs. Which member of staff is accountable for this club and what extra training did they have and by which organisations.

You need to know this stuff to be able to address all the possible problems- re mermaids etc. But you need to know all this first.