Bringing your whole self to work

FlyingOink -"I wonder if bosses realise how much acting we do to fit in with them? Is this idea more that we reassure them that we're just like them? i.e. We pretend to all be of the same class and the same background and interested in Martin's new road bike and how his peloton through the Surrey Hills went, even if we don't give a fuck?"

YYYY!
And OMG their boring little children whom they barely know and pretend make them some fabulous and involved dad, but everything they say about this child is tedious and generic and cliched and sounds like it was lifted from a cosy dad column in a sunday paper. But you have to smile warmly and act like you are interested

But anyway I came here to say this: young people are always saying they want to feel "safe" and certain things make them feel "unsafe". I would argue strongly that a well structured set of boundaries between work matters and personal matters, and a culture of adhering to them, would afford everyone not just dignity and privacy (important), but also the "safety" that people seem to feel they need, where a lack of safety is becoming reminded that if some of the people around you could, they would organise the world strongly to your disadvantage.

I think the ideal is for who you are outside work to be completely irrelevant to your opportunities and treatment at work. That leads to people not needing to hide anything. I’m in Civil Service and honestly I’m often shocked by how much people bring their personal politics to the office. If you can’t put your personal views aside & carry out the will of elected Ministers you’re in the wrong place.

Where does it come from? In my last job it was HR driving it. A lovely but clueless woman of the #BeKind variety, and she got it from the CIPD organisation. But where did they get it...?

This is exactly what I thought when I watched Discovery. How did these people get these jobs!

What are your thoughts on this?
As a lesbian, out at work and highly visible, I like not having to make up a pretend husband if questioned by colleagues.
But does my workplace need to know everything about who I am as a person?

I see it as meaning that just like you say, you should be able to be yourself.
Not feel you have to hide away, or pretend to be something you're not.
Your post seems contradictory - on the one hand you seem to be benefiting from a non discriminatory policy, and enjoying it, but on the other saying "why do they need to know about my life, and me as a person?"
Would you rather they didn't?
Or do you mean it's OK to be out at work and highly visible if you're gay or lesbian, but not trans?
Apologies if that's not what you're getting at.

It’s not always appropriate to bring your whole self to work. I don’t need to see your beloved Page 3 calendar or your anti-abortion campaign posters. I don’t want to hear about your sex life or toilet habits. It’s fine and normal to have some unexpressed thoughts.

I have very different work / home / leisure personas. It would be very difficult to bring all of them to work. My work self would get very pissed off with the sweary, disorganised, anxious home self. The home self would get bored and wander off, with the work self telling the social self to stf up and do some bloody work. I can’t see it leading to promotion tbh.
I really, really don’t want to see other people’s whole selves either. What if they are racists, or perverts or evangelical or wear a football strip? Or go on about their child care problems not realising that most people have these problems.

Yes, it’s always struck me that it’s a concept that only works for a certain group of people - those with the ‘right’ views and background and education. I mentor several people who don’t have those things and it’s a problem for them.

I’m not bringing my council estate background and how many relatives are/have been in prison to work. I’m not ashamed of my background but I 100% know it will count against me for work opportunities

I really agree with so many of the posts on this thread about this "whole self" bollocks being bad.

As well as all the great points already made - I think it's pandering to babyish thinking to think we can't all work together without empathy and quasi-intimate friendships. I know that one of the arguments for this sort of bollocks is that people will collaborate in teams better if they know all about them, and relate to them as friends. I think this is pathetic. At school if you tried to get out of being put on a different rounders team from your best friend, you would have been told to grow up and get on with it. Now we are all adults, apparently it is legitimate to expect to be able to make fwends with someone before you can work properly on a team with them? Oh for heaven's sake.

Of course that doesn't even cover the fact that the more you know about some people, the less you will like them. It's safer just to stay professional; and to understand that getting a project done with someone doesn't mean that you have to feel about them as you would someone you go on holiday with.

The other thing is that it really is dangerous, depending on what you have to disclose. I know someone who decided to deal with an alcohol problem by getting professional help and opened up to work about it. When he was drinking, secretly, he was a mess, but he was trusted with huge teams and massive budgets. When he stopped, and owned up to his problem in the past, everyone congratulated him for being so amazing and brave and honest, but the trust was gone and he was sidelined and left out in the cold. He was right to get help, but now (still sober) he wishes he'd lied about it.

I bloody hate “bringing your whole self to work”. I’m in the civil service and my Dept embraced this wholeheartedly several years ago. I thought it was lovely at first but over time I’ve come to realise it’s utter bollocks. People with certain political views are certainly not able to bring them to my workplace, people from certain backgrounds are unable to talk about them and frankly promotion & progress still depends on people being “visible” ie extrovert, participative & involved in the right projects 🤷‍♀️

If that’s what you’ve taken from this thread you are misreading.

I think it's very sad for someone to have to hide who they are for fear of being judged or discriminated. There are sectors which have been enlightened for decades when it comes to orientation such as the travel sector (heavily hit by Covid I appreciate). Being openly LGBT doesn't hold anyone back from being appointed or promoted right up to the top level. A considerable percentage of staff working in the sector are LGBT because of this openness. Some travel companies provided widow pensions for LGBT partners years before civil partnership / marriage legislation.

Slightly random, but related, video clip:

Contrasting how old-school and modern Star Trek crews handle their workplace. Regarding Star Trek: Discovery:

I love how these people are able to just say and do whatever the fuck they want with zero repercussions, casually back chatting their commanding officers, and generally acting like immature morons. Seriously the level of discipline and professionalism here is about the same as a fucking liberal arts college. They're like teenagers that have suddenly been put in command of a starship with no training or preparation. They're impulsive hyperactive, emotionally unstable, unprofessional and generally pretty incompetent. They're the absolute last people on earth you'd trust your life to.

Codes of conduct in the workplace surely imply we're being paid to leave bits of our whole selves at home?!
You've nailed it there...

As the only woman in an all male team I hate this whole crap. It ends up with half the team being more obnoxious than before (looking at you Thom, every Monday when Liverpool has lost) and the rest of us having to manage their emotions. Of course, as the sole female that lands heavily on me.

And similar to signing of an email she/hers, if I share my life in a way that highlights that I'm female or a mother or even the fact I was the first in my family to go to uni, I can guarantee that's going to highlight my difference to the rest of the team and be a disadvantage, not a benefit.

I was in and out of care for a stretch as a teen. So lived independently younger than most. And worked part time around school from a young age, real work to pay my bills not just a short Saturday job to pay for extra clothes. So I wasn’t naive or sheltered by a long stretch. Yet looking back I was a baby until 25 ish at least. It takes time to grow up and to learn the correct balance within work, both for our own sake and for those we work with. But younger staff need kept safe from inappropriate sharing. They need grown ups to help them understand the consequences of that, not encourage them to have no boundaries. There’s plenty they might be at risk to overshare that could impact their future career choices and they just wouldn’t have full grasped that straight out of uni.

What if your whole self is private and reticent? What if it's naturist? What if it's flatulent? What if it's being super loud and playing practical jokes on others? What if it's slurping endless coffees and eating sardines from the tin? What if my whole self smokes?

What if I'm the reticent, private person working at a job that needs all my concentration and I'm surrounded with whole selves who are nude, farting, telling stupid jokes and playing tricks and they're all wanting my validation?

Codes of conduct in the workplace surely imply we're being paid to leave bits of our whole selves at home?!

I cringe at anyone using that woke speak phrase. It’s pretty meaningless, or What does it actually mean? How can you do anything BUT bring your whole self to work? There are different facets to you, some facets only certain people see, depending on the relationship. People have filters, and boundaries, doesn’t mean they are not ‘bringing whole self to work’…another fashions meaningless platitude.

Good questions, OP. I agree how do you set boundaries around privacy if other people are determined to overshare?

The whole thing seems oddly pointless to me. What’s it for? Seems like an effort to create a sitcom-style workplace where everyone is best friends. In reality of course you’d get all the dramas as they squabble and form factions. What a nightmare. I just want colleagues to be professional, pleasant and get the job done.

But I also think it’s much harder for younger staff especially to develop an understanding of healthy boundaries in the workplace if the senior staff are encouraging ‘bring your whole self to work’ as some pro inclusion policy. I suspect many, especially young women, would really struggle to get the balance right while trying to people please and show an effort to help others ‘feel included’.

Young people are also often coming out of school or university, where boundaries are totally different. They need older people to show them what is appropriate.

I cant stand the concept of ‘bringing your whole self’ to work. It’s so intrusive. Unprofessional too. We’re all adults. BYWS so misleading to the junior ones too who can’t yet decode the code. They could come a cropper if they actually brought their genuine whole self to work. They don’t realise that no manager really wants their staff to be their ‘whole self’, we’re all just there to work for them with the minimum of hassle to the employer. Our professional selves are the only self that’s welcome at work.
The workplace doesn’t want to have to deal with our whole selves. We’d have needs they’d have to meet. Employers would have to change how they treat lots of us. BYWSTW is a low cost way of pretending to be inclusive and supportive. I want privacy and a life away from work thanks.

Fair enough. I'd like that too. Sorry if you thought my question was rude.

@FlyingOink, no it wasn't rude at all! I always appreciate people asking.