Bringing your whole self to work

What a timely thread! In a survey today on our Directorate Xmas party the options are “yes I want to help” or “no I don’t want to help because I hate Xmas”. AIBU to question the team on how “inclusive” this is of working parents (but especially mums who carry the mental load let’s be honest) and less extrovert colleagues who might feel pressure to help when it’s really not their thing?

Well yes it’s complicated @BloodinGutters I don’t really want to know the ins and outs of my colleagues lives but am willing to give extra support when needed. But yes you are right, it’s not helpful to know everything about everyone! It’s too much.

[quote Peanutbutterrules1]@MultiStorey I agree, i do want to know important stuff and be supportive to work colleagues. I guess it’s just a balance. This stuff always seems to be interpreted as “people must understand everything about me”. Yes I want to support a colleague going through a terrible divorce but I don’t need to know all the details. I can be supportive by making sure work is done or helping them with tasks at difficult times. I like helping people but find it very draining to have to emotionally support them . I can’t do that for friends, family and work ![/quote]
What happens if he’s going through a difficult divorce because she’s finally left him after years of violence and abuse?

I think most people think they’d be happy to support co workers, because they assume coworkers are essential decent humans who think similarly enough to us. But the problem is once people bring their whole self to work we find out that really isn’t true.

There’s lots and lots of situations I wouldn’t be willing to support co workers with if I knew who they really were.

Some people don’t want the world and his colleague knowing their business. And there’s nothing worse than an oversharer who will tell you about every bowel movement of their cat in great detail.

However, if people are going to spend eight hours a day with others for a period of years, I would hate to think that they would rather not know whether the other was getting battered at home; or that a loved one was dying; or that their child won a place on the Olympic team.

There is an assumption here is that the default is to tell one's work colleagues about one's trials and tribulations. But many people want privacy while they work through their life's difficulties and sorrows. Work also provides a respite from these.

@MultiStorey I agree, i do want to know important stuff and be supportive to work colleagues. I guess it’s just a balance. This stuff always seems to be interpreted as “people must understand everything about me”. Yes I want to support a colleague going through a terrible divorce but I don’t need to know all the details. I can be supportive by making sure work is done or helping them with tasks at difficult times. I like helping people but find it very draining to have to emotionally support them . I can’t do that for friends, family and work !

As a recently retired senior director I am quite sure that it was a good thing I did not bring my whole self to work. I was widely considered a great people person and business team leader. In reality I am a middle aged cynic who swears a lot and gives no fucks at all about my organisations roulette wheel of mostly recycled initiatives. I have been around a long time and think I retired just in time!

Ah yes - bringing your ‘right’ person to work...

Like so much of this type of guff, it never means what it says. Too many women have found that bringing their whole self to work, including their beliefs that women have rights, and that same-sex attraction is OK, have got them threatened with the sack.

I work with a team of extroverts - they never really seem to get/care that I don’t want to sit n chat every single morning about the dogs bowel movements or their social lives. I don’t like talking about myself, and they’d probably find my hobbies pretty boring anyway!

I’m just there to do my job...

I find it exhausting and another example of how the world is geared to extrovert. I don’t have the energy to care about it all. I want to get my work done and work with my colleagues in a professional way. I like hearing about their weekends and general chit chat but don’t need to know everything. I am happy for colleagues to share personal issues with me on a need to know basis but generally I don’t have a lot of interest in their whole selves!!!!! I also don’t want to impose all my shit on others. I come to work to get away from having to emotionally supportive others!

Turn up at the interview dressed as a clown or pantomime horse. Being along your pet pig (support animal) and crack open a bottle of gin (alcoholics have to work too...). Also swear and fart... a lot.

Phew what a relief! And they can’t not give you the job for any of these!

My trust says this on job adverts. It just made me laugh.

@FlyingOink I agree, I think a lot of this is about getting as much out of employees as possible in terms of their commitment to their jobs, and it's unhealthy. It wouldn't surprise me if the theory is that if work becomes somewhere to socialise, form friendships, and pour absolutely every part of who you are into your role, the lines between work and home become blurred and it becomes harder to detach from work when you need to. That doesn't mean that some of the sentiment behind it isn't worthy, but I think it could really benefit employers to have their employees deeply emotionally bonded to their workplace by encouraging oversharing. Plus, as you say, it's a free way to say that you're prioritising staff well-being.

I feel the same way about the trend for promoting mindfulness in workplaces. I actually think mindfulness is helpful and use aspects of what I learned. But I also found that it gave some employers an excuse to not address causes of stress in the workplace. I remember massively struggling with job-related stress, and my employer at the time was keen to encourage me to practice mindfulness instead of addressing my unmanageable workload.

Good analogy with being fobbed off with beer and pizza when a crappily organised project means you have to work late to get it done. I don't want cheap beer and pizza at 10pm x nights a month, I want to get my work done in time to leave and have good home made food with friends or family at my own expense. Same with relationships - I don't want faux intimacy at work, i want work to be contained enough within my life to allow me time and resource to develop rewarding personal relationships outside of work.

This has made me think of an example of this sort of thing going wrong that I saw in real life. My 'bring your whole self to work'-type setting resulted in people feeling really too relaxed about the topics of conversation in the work kitchen. I can distinctly remember a raucous conversation between a group of work mates about online dating and some of their experiences- not the sort of chat that everyone would want to be forced to listen to while they make a cup of tea. I don't mind hearing it, but I did mind that other people might mind and feel like the staff kitchen wasn't a comfortable place to be. These policies can be really non-inclusive for people who, quite rightly, want to maintain boundaries with their work colleagues.

Being less cynical, perhaps this idea has just had it’s day. It was necessary to get workplaces to a point where personal characteristics don’t matter or impede progression. Normalising difference probably does more to challenge bias than painful yearly training.

Does this mean I can finally attend work as my true self ?

On Mondays I am a nudist.
On Tuesdays I do pup play
On Wednesdays I take a vow of silence, this extends to all forms of communication
On Thursdays I need connection to my children so want to bring my three under fives in
On Fridays I observe the sabbeth and will not work.

It looks to be an interesting week, this week.