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Original poster

Great. Son now says he’s trans.

215 replies

dangermouseisace · 23/10/2021 17:08

I am doing my best non judgemental listening but oh my god.

Middle child is “non binary”. Eldest today says the reason he’s not eating properly and why he was unhappy 4 years ago is because he’ll never be happy as a man, and he wants hormones surgery the lot.

I have been clear about my opinion re gender throughout their lives. I am glad they feel able to speak to me but I don’t know what to do. I’ve said I’ll book him a dr’s appointment, and suggested counselling. I feel it’s a case of too much internet but it’s hard to control that- they find old devices if you put restrictions on, and everything works off the internet these days.

My children clearly have their struggles but I feel a failure as a mother as I don’t feel strong enough to deal with them. I’ve already had time off work with stress this week. I feel I just cannot cope with anything any more. What the hell can I do?

OP posts:
TeamRex · 23/10/2021 17:30

Oh OP what a difficult situation. The main thing is to keep dialogue going with your children. This is extremely common now, and most children will grow out of it.

Can you discuss with them what aspects of being the sex they are they find distressing, so you can talk through their fears.

I agree with looking for a good therapist, but not one who will just do affirmation.

LittleBearPad · 23/10/2021 17:30

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oxalisRed · 23/10/2021 17:29

@CorrBlimeyGG

You'll only fail them if you reject them for what they are. Some people are transgender. Accept it or lose your child (and give your head one massive shake).
Can the idea of being transgender be proven in biology? Based on facts rather than feelings? I've not come across this evidence, please enlighten me so I can give my head a massive shake. Asking in sincerity because I am overwhelmed and lost in this area.

BTW parents can love and support their children whilst simultaneously not agreeing with their child's beliefs. My toddlers very sweetly called themselves kittens for a long time, but at no point did I start feeding them cat food.

Leafstamp · 23/10/2021 17:28

@BatmansBat

I believe that there is a certain therapist who is questioning and not affirming, doing online sessions. Hopefully someone will come along and give more info.

How old is your DS? Am I understanding you correctly in that he has an eating disorder?

Look up James Esses and Thoughtful Therapists

twitter.com/JamesEsses?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Eauthor

twitter.com/ThoughtfulTs?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Eauthor

You might also find these organisations helpful:

www.transgendertrend.com/

ourduty.group/

LittleBearPad · 23/10/2021 17:28

How old is he?

Have you asked him why he thinks he’s trans.

Have you talked about gender stereotyping

AssassinatedBeauty · 23/10/2021 17:28

@CorrBlimeyGG

You'll only fail them if you reject them for what they are. Some people are transgender. Accept it or lose your child (and give your head one massive shake).

This is unnecessary scaremongering. They are a child. That's what they need accepting as. They may or may not have a transgender identity by the time they are an adult. What they need is a supportive space to work that out. Not instant affirmation of every idea they have and an immediate path to a medicalised future.

DisgustedofManchester · 23/10/2021 17:26

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YoungForNow · 23/10/2021 17:25

And what made it a subject to talk about, has there been issues to chat about? I ask because I have 2 children and never had a point where it came up.

CorrBlimeyGG · 23/10/2021 17:23

You'll only fail them if you reject them for what they are. Some people are transgender. Accept it or lose your child (and give your head one massive shake).

YoungForNow · 23/10/2021 17:23

What do you mean , you've been clear re gender throughout their lives?

Lordamighty · 23/10/2021 17:21

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oxalisRed · 23/10/2021 17:20

How old is your eldest? If he's still a minor, then you have some time - he'll have to get on the NHS waiting list which is a very very long wait. Even the adult list is several years long.

We organised private therapy for our 18 yr who declared themselves trans. They found it useful but it unfortunately didn't deter them from the idea of transitioning. It was tricky finding a therapist who would not automatically confirm their new gender identity, but that my child would accept and realise we weren't trying to "brain wash" them or deny their new identity.

Bayswater support group is excellent for information and to share with like-minded parents.

Please be aware that many GPs and CAMHS practitioners will automatically affirm a new gender identity - it's on the NHS website Confused

Does your eldest have any other conditions? Mine is also autistic and there's a huge overlap around autism, body dissociation and gender identity.

And there seems to be an ever-growing number of us here on MN. Flowers

BatmansBat · 23/10/2021 17:14

I believe that there is a certain therapist who is questioning and not affirming, doing online sessions. Hopefully someone will come along and give more info.

How old is your DS? Am I understanding you correctly in that he has an eating disorder?

Original poster
dangermouseisace · 23/10/2021 17:10

Thanks itsallgoingtobefine…I hadn’t heard of them, it looks really useful!

OP posts:
ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 23/10/2021 17:09

Sorry I don't have anything useful to say, but are you aware of bayswatersupport.org.uk/