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Original poster

Great. Son now says he’s trans.

215 replies

dangermouseisace · 23/10/2021 17:08

I am doing my best non judgemental listening but oh my god.

Middle child is “non binary”. Eldest today says the reason he’s not eating properly and why he was unhappy 4 years ago is because he’ll never be happy as a man, and he wants hormones surgery the lot.

I have been clear about my opinion re gender throughout their lives. I am glad they feel able to speak to me but I don’t know what to do. I’ve said I’ll book him a dr’s appointment, and suggested counselling. I feel it’s a case of too much internet but it’s hard to control that- they find old devices if you put restrictions on, and everything works off the internet these days.

My children clearly have their struggles but I feel a failure as a mother as I don’t feel strong enough to deal with them. I’ve already had time off work with stress this week. I feel I just cannot cope with anything any more. What the hell can I do?

OP posts:
MrsOvertonsWindow · 23/10/2021 17:54

Ooops - apostrophe fail - To make parents' lives easier.

CrazyCatLazy · 23/10/2021 17:54

@CorrBlimeyGG

You'll only fail them if you reject them for what they are. Some people are transgender. Accept it or lose your child (and give your head one massive shake).
Exactly this. I’m absolutely gobsmacked by the OP and some of the awful comments by PP.
TheWeeDonkey · 23/10/2021 17:54

[quote ANewCreation]The whole series is fantastic but a quick listen to the latest gender a wider lens podcast would be useful to you, I imagine OP, where Helena, a detransitioned woman talks about her own journey and offers parents advice about what to do when a child starts to talk about a trans identity.

[/quote] I listened to the first one with Helena which was quite fascinating, she also got into it via SM, mainly Tumblr and YouTube because she found puberty so confusing and alienating. Its well worth a listen to hear someone talking from a similar perspective to your son.
MrsOvertonsWindow · 23/10/2021 17:53

What's that lovely purpose of Mumsnet? To make parent's lives easier

A worried parent posts on here and gets responses seen on this thread from Disgusting and Corrblimey. I wonder what it is they don't get about parenting? (no prizes for stating the obvious!)

Lordamighty · 23/10/2021 17:52

Professor Robert Winston, one of this country’s most foremost biologists, has stated quite clearly that humans cannot change sex.

Fabian15 · 23/10/2021 17:50

I think most of us on here would not want to enable it @Maskless
The problem is that gender critical people (GC women in particular) are shut down at every turn.
Schools are going along with young people's gender/name changes without informing parents.
Thank goodness your children are comfortable talking to you @dangermouseisace
You at least have a fighting chance of protecting them Flowers

Sexnotgender · 23/10/2021 17:47

I’m sorry. You must be exhausted. Take a look at GenSpec.

Maskless · 23/10/2021 17:46

I think that the question parents in your position need to ask is, 'If I were raising this child (in your case these two children) on a remote Scottish island with no internet or TV, would they still be "trans"?'

Or 'If I were raising this child (in your case these two children) fifty years ago, when they had never heard about trans, would they still be "trans"?

I think we all know the answer.

This dangerous nonsense can only continue if we continue to enable it.

LittleBearPad · 23/10/2021 17:45

Give over. Where has the OP said they aren't using the child's pronouns of choice when talking face to face?

What’s bizarre about the whole pronoun thing is that sex based pronouns aren’t relevant when speaking face to face. You’s the only option.

You use sex based pronouns about someone who isn’t present.

Fabian15 · 23/10/2021 17:45

No advice, but just offering my support OP.
All the affirmation is frankly terrifying.

BloodinGutters · 23/10/2021 17:45

@CorrBlimeyGG

You'll only fail them if you reject them for what they are. Some people are transgender. Accept it or lose your child (and give your head one massive shake).
One of my dc are adamant they don’t have send.

So I should just accept this and ignore the medical advice? Ignore the school sendco advice? Let them drown in a mainstream that can’t reasonably accommodate their disabilities needs?

TheWeeDonkey · 23/10/2021 17:42

I'm sorry your family is going through this. It seems like your child has a number of issues but is fixating on sex as the cause of his problems. Although the fact he says he doesn't want to grow up to be a man rather than he thinks he's a girl is an interesting point and one worth exploring.

ArabellaScott · 23/10/2021 17:39

OP, I am sorry. I would suggest counselling for yourself, urgently.

You need to look after your own mental health in order to be able to best support your children.

I would suggest some of the groups above for helping to find a therapist or counsellor who is not going to be signed up to some niche ideology, and who will allow you to talk freely through your feelings on this subject, which sounds very difficult for you.

Parenting is not easy! It's great that your children are able to speak with you. Teenagerhood, puberty and managing change is not easy. Flowers

ElliottSmithsfingers · 23/10/2021 17:37

@DisgustedofManchester

Your inability to use consistent and correct pronouns makes me worry for the atmosphere your daughter is groing up in.
The boy's no more a girl if he "changes his pronouns" (whatever the fuck that means) than he would be a dog if he started barking.
Motnight · 23/10/2021 17:37

Op how old are your children?

ANewCreation · 23/10/2021 17:37

The whole series is fantastic but a quick listen to the latest gender a wider lens podcast would be useful to you, I imagine OP, where Helena, a detransitioned woman talks about her own journey and offers parents advice about what to do when a child starts to talk about a trans identity.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 23/10/2021 17:37

@DisgustedofManchester

Your inability to use consistent and correct pronouns makes me worry for the atmosphere your daughter is groing up in.
I cannot express how jarring and frightening I find it that as soon as a child (and we don't know the age of this child) expresses any gender issues activists like Disgusted immediately say you have a daughter now, not a son, and actually you had a daughter all along, you just didn't realise because you assigned your child's gender at birth based on her body parts. This is nonsense. The OP's child has a male body and will always have a male body. Sex is observed, not assigned. No amount of medication and cosmetic surgery will change a person's sex. The way a person dresses, behaves and presents to the world is personality, and that's a totally separate thing from one's sex.
BatmansBat · 23/10/2021 17:37

Oh dear, here we go with the affirmation only again and instantly use of new pronouns.

Even mainstream Canadian media now acknowledges that there might be an issue with affirmation only.

www.ctvnews.ca/mobile/w5/dramatic-increase-in-children-and-youth-seeking-gender-treatments-has-some-experts-alarmed-1.5633076

Lammysaurus · 23/10/2021 17:35

@DisgustedofManchester

Your inability to use consistent and correct pronouns makes me worry for the atmosphere your daughter is groing up in.
Which inconsistent and incorrect pronouns did the OP use, @disgustedofmanchester? Specifics, please.
Theunamedcat · 23/10/2021 17:35

If I affirmed everything my autistic child declared themselves to be they would be a girl a cat a boy a cat a black cat a big cat a small cat

Now I could affirm everything and get him whisker implants

But I will not

ElliottSmithsfingers · 23/10/2021 17:35

@CorrBlimeyGG

You'll only fail them if you reject them for what they are. Some people are transgender. Accept it or lose your child (and give your head one massive shake).
What a load of woke shite. The boy may be trans but he's still male and will always be. You've obviously swivelled your head way too many times.
Leafstamp · 23/10/2021 17:34

@BatmansBat

what made it a subject to talk about

Well, for us it came up with DS(9) after a diversity talk in school. Apparently certain hobbies are for girls. He asked me if a friend of his might be a girl (doing a particular hobby) and decided to drop an extra curricular activity.

I think he is afraid of turning into a girl and feels safer if he confirms to “boy stereotypes”.

If school suggested that certain hobbies are for girls or in any other way reinforcing sex stereotypes then they are failing the children in their care. Not to mention contravening DfE guidance and UK Law. Let me know if you need more help to challenge this.
jellybe · 23/10/2021 17:32

@DisgustedofManchester

Your inability to use consistent and correct pronouns makes me worry for the atmosphere your daughter is groing up in.
Give over. Where has the OP said they aren't using the child's pronouns of choice when talking face to face?

The pronouns she uses on line for them is fine they are her son. She has known them as this their whole life so if OP finds it easier to use those pronouns on a thread she has started asking for support then that is fine. Her feels/ thoughts are also valid and you don't get to sensor her use of language.

Soontobe60 · 23/10/2021 17:31

@CorrBlimeyGG

You'll only fail them if you reject them for what they are. Some people are transgender. Accept it or lose your child (and give your head one massive shake).
I think you meant that the OP would fail her son if she went along blindly with his belief that it’s possible to change sex. Why do you assume she would lose her child? Talk about emotional blackmail!

OP, I would ask him why he thinks he’s a girl, what he thinks a girl actually is and that if he’s actually gay, very few men want to actually have a relationship with a transwoman. Also, turn off the internet!

BatmansBat · 23/10/2021 17:30

what made it a subject to talk about

Well, for us it came up with DS(9) after a diversity talk in school. Apparently certain hobbies are for girls. He asked me if a friend of his might be a girl (doing a particular hobby) and decided to drop an extra curricular activity.

I think he is afraid of turning into a girl and feels safer if he confirms to “boy stereotypes”.