How to deal with writing group's lack of support for my GC feminism.

I agree with Helmet and CharleyParley.

You need to apologise for the generalisation and then talk about what is lacking in the group in terms of diversity.

I am sure this can be worked through with a bit of care.

I don't think you need to apologise for your views, just be a bit more tactical.

And obviously you are completely right in your admiration for the great Magdalen Berns.

yeah, i don't think you handled it brilliantly op, sorry, and i cant believe you're genuinely upset about the word'ridiculous'

nevertheless i agree with you-
'lets make this group more diverse- lets invite someone who imagines they're not male or female'

of all the things to increase diversity- disability, class, race, sexuality, their first choice was someone with identity delusions?

and i disagree with pps that the belief is as benign as star-signs. framing everyone else as in a gender binary consolidates stupid stereotypes.

i think a half apology note would be a good thing here.

You were weighing in on strategy for increasing diversity, which is not the same thing as gatekeeping or censoring or barring certain groups or individuals from entry.

I think the problem was, the OP was meant to be talking about the former, but instead seemed to be talking about the latter, saying that NB people were annoying, illogical, and self-obsessed.

If she'd just said that she didn't think that would increase real diversity, or that inviting people because of their diverse characteristics seemed distastful, she might have had less of a problem.

Given that sex is binary - we are all either female or male - it is absurd to suggest we should invite writers who are neither male nor female to join us. That is the bottom line.
Many people today believe otherwise, including Im sure some talented writers. I don’t, but I also see how it would be very beneficial to a writer to listen more and accuse less to get a wider perspective on the range of people out there to be better able to write the world.

I think there are two separate things here that some people are conflating in their replies:

(1) who is welcome to participate in the group
(2) how to meet the perceived need to increase diversity within the group.

You were weighing in on strategy for increasing diversity, which is not the same thing as gatekeeping or censoring or barring certain groups or individuals from entry.

There may be differences of opinion within the group about what’s missing: is it diversity of experience and background, or diversity of personality/opinion, or both? That’s a discussion worth having before you pick out specific groups or characteristics to focus on. Realistically, in the UK, most people and almost all women fit the Stonewall definition of non binary. If you set out to include established or talented beginning authors in your area who are non binary, you’ll likely get much of the same demographic that you already have - white, British, middle class - although you may attract a younger group and more women than men.

This doesn’t mean that a non binary person - or anyone else - from a similar background to the majority of your group wouldn’t be welcome and couldn’t be an asset to the group, but the discussion was about increasing diversity. Personally, I’d probably have left the non binary idea alone and suggested some other demographics to target; or ways to get the group more visibility among diverse demographics. Ideally there would have been many suggestions and only a need to speak up if the group as a whole decided to put their efforts into recruiting non binary people only.

I can see how the person who made the suggestion might feel singled out and even attacked, although she didn’t help the situation by attacking back with her own questionable and also slightly homophobic argument. It sounds like the leaders of the group are keeping out of it and probably would have been happier without either your or the other member’s comments. They’re also probably unhappy that the prospective member was cc’d on an internal email.

Have you been asked to resign? If not, I wouldn’t do so as a result of this situation, at least not without giving it a bit more time and thought. The potential new member feels the group’s not for him; he’s made his choice. Also - and I say this as a person diagnosed with trauma and having been through the difficult process of getting it (mostly) under control - if he genuinely feels unsafe in the group based on your email (I’m not sure if you meet in person or virtually at the moment, but either way I doubt he’d be in much danger) he may not find any rigorous and worthwhile writing group a good place for him at this time. And I may be overly vigilant, but this claim of being unsafe with individuals who don’t actually pose a threat is an established tactic now for writers with a new book launching, so I’d be wary of that as well if this individual is even still in the picture. He may be planning to complain publicly about the group at some convenient (for him) time.

I’d privately take this whole situation as a prompt to re-evaluate your own participation. Are you still getting a lot out of the group, this last episode aside? Is staying in something that’s important for you professionally? Do you normally feel unsupported or an outlier, or is it just this one incident? And is starting/leading your own group something you’d otherwise want to do or have time to do?

Definitely be graceful about any departure, there are likely people in the group you’d like to keep in touch with or at least remain cordial if you run across them in the future. If you feel you have unfinished business with the person who called you ridiculous, I’d try to discuss it with her one on one rather than with the whole group/via group email.

“Mistakenly added an invitation to a young, straight black guy”

Why was this a mistake??

I'm glad you got called out. Sad that you seem completely unable to reflect on your actions.

Well if you go around saying ridiculous things you will be called ridiculous. If it upsets you then don't say ridiculous things

What bit was ridiculous?

Being called ridiculous upset me

Well if you go around saying ridiculous things you will be called ridiculous. If it upsets you then don't say ridiculous things.

Have you ever considered that it coudl actually help someone like you to actually talk to a person who identifies as non-binary?

Given that sex is binary - we are all either female or male - it is absurd to suggest we should invite writers who are neither male nor female to join us. That is the bottom line

You might think it's absurd, but that doesn't mean they don't have a right to expand their group to attract people who identify as non-binary. It's not your group. It's their group (as far as I'm aware) and they can invite whoever they like.

Most of us share your scepticism, but I think you went too far here. I could understand your reaction if your group was women only, and they wanted to open it up to everyone, but as far as I'm aware that's not the case here. Your response was unnecessary and heavy-handed (although I think that 'unsafe' comment by the man was total, utter nonsense).

I felt these people were friends and would want to carry on the conversation

Just because people are friends with you, doesn't mean they are obliged to share all of your opinions or that they owe you support that goes against their own beliefs or conduct. Your friends should not feel like they have to support you no matter what.

As well may they? Rather than saying ‘oooh we are super scared! We don’t feel safe! Be kind (or we will get you)’.

Maybe you might become a bit more open minded to the way others live their lives. Scary thought eh

Jesus - they sound like a pathetic lot. Dump them and find some grown ups.

You’ve not Been Kind OP

I'm all in favour of not being at all kind to people advocating erasing the word woman, encroaching on female-only spaces, eroding safeguarding etc etc. But this really doesn't sound like that kind of situation at all.

Yeah, our hobby groups don't usually demand unity of belief about much of anything. Sometimes there is a need to decide on a policy, like whether you will have a mixed sex sports team or not - but even then it's often best to avoid pushing beyond what is necessary to make the decision. And such discussions can be fraught even when necessary.

The comment about the "safe space" by the guy that was invited seems kind of lame too, for the same reason - why expect a writers group will be full of people who think like you, or be "safe" at all. But, maybe he just thought it seemed like it might be argumentative and that's not how he wants to spend his time.

Getting along in groups like this is like getting along at work. You have to have a certain amount of self-discipline around issues that people may differ on. It's not about "Be nice." It's about respecting that there is a time and place for arguing about real differences of opinion, and recognizing that others who think differently may still be worthwhile and have other things in common, like a career path or hobby, and that we might even enjoy spending time with them.

I left a group because of the non-stop performative wokeness and am in a GC-friendly/pro-free speech one now. Don't waste a second more of your talent with these intellectual dullards.

You might even share a laugh about the young man who doesn't feel safe.

It all sounds a bit Vicar of Dibley church committee meeting where they discuss getting in one of they modern non binaries to have a look at. A curiosity for the middle classes.

The whole bunfight is over a fictional character!

You’ve not Been Kind OP and said what you think without making sure it was not presented as obsequiusly as possible - don’t you know that vagina people aren’t allowed to do that? Thank goodness a penis person was there to pull you up on it.

I would query how questioning the notion of non-binary can be anti-gay - given that the entire notion of non-binary is based on the premise that same sex attraction is transphobic - and I would then depart the group and not look back.

I don't think we need to be kind. That implies telling white lies to protect others' feelings and that's what's got us into this mess. Best to be rational and reasonable and it's clear that the OP isn't cut out for this. Sad really: one might have hoped that a writer would be more nuanced in thought and speech.

Moral of the story: if you want to continue to be part of a group that you've valued for ten years, take a softly-softly approach and always in the knowledge that it may be necessary to end your association.

It seems from the way you stated you communicated, that you weren't open to weighing up ideas either.

It's abundantly clear that gender identity is a real and important thing for many people, so why generalise that they are all reactionary and self-obsessed?