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Original poster

How can I talk to my TWAW daughter?

59 replies

bonbonours · 30/09/2021 07:03

I have one daughter who currently identifies as male. This is something we are struggling with as a family. My second daughter 13 identifies as gay and is quite involved with LGBT group at school and is very firmly on the TWAW opinion. She's in the midst of friends (and her sibling) telling her that anyone who doesn't agree is transphobic and everyone who comes out as trans should be affirmed and supported, and there are a lot in her friend group questioning their gender.

I saw a text she sent to a friend where she described me as "my transphobic mum". This upset me because generally we have a good relationship and before all this gender stuff exploded I considered myself very laid back, and accepting, loads of gay friends and family, passionate about gay rights, would be very accepting of teen sex (and would ensure they knew how to do it safely) etc. Suddenly I'm being painted as some kind of prejudiced dinosaur.

I really want to talk to her about what I believe about gender being a totally separate issue from sexuality, the trans trend, and the threat to women's rights. But I don't really know where to start. Is there anything for her to read? ( If I can persuade her)

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 30/09/2021 07:35

I too think don’t. Don’t talk about it. Her brain will just see ENEMY ENEMY ENEMY. Emphasise values, consideration, safety.

Fitt · 30/09/2021 07:26

Maybe just neutrally tell her that calling people phobic is not ok, that smearing people in this way can lead to broken families and to violence against innocent people as it escalates out of control.

Tell you think it's important that doesn't happen to your family and you're sure she agrees with that?

MoiraNotRuby · 30/09/2021 07:24

My DD is similar and we don't discuss it too often because it is the same conversation every time. I don't want her to get entrenched by repeating herself. Hopefully she'll work it out in time.

She knows I 'support everyone' and she also knows 'I'm confused about how things are labelled as being male or female'- e.g. why can't men wear skirts/make up if they want, why do we label them as female/ trans if they do. I always assert that my confusion is with society, perhaps its down to the patriarchy, is there toxic masculinity at the heart of it.

And without wanting to sound flippant I am very enthusiastic about non trans role models who don't follow society norms e.g. David Bowie who is a teen icon at the moment and shows you can be whoever you want without putting a stupid fecking label on it.

Good luck OP, I'm with you.

Original poster
bonbonours · 30/09/2021 07:24

She is very interested in women's rights, lived the Suffragette film etc so I feel like that could be the key thing with her.

It's not so much that I want to persuade her it's more I want to open her mind to other viewpoints and why they might not be transphobic, maybe talking about other people she's aware of eg JKR and Rosie Duffield (who is our MP)

OP posts:
Billybagpuss · 30/09/2021 07:22

Absolutely what pinky says.

You may find the opportunity arises, ie her friend is anxious about coming round to your house and you can ask how she expects any different when she has unfairly painted you as transphobic, but just leave her to it for now, she’ll find her own way through and being able to come to you when she needs to is the most important thing right now.

PermanentTemporary · 30/09/2021 07:22

It's hurtful to have that moment where your child defines themselves by not being you, and of course you want to do something about that hurt, but I agree with PinkyU.

Pootles34 · 30/09/2021 07:19

I agree with PinkyU. This isn't the first time a teenager disagrees with a parent on an ideological matter, and the relationship, and your daughters wellbeing and trust in you, is more important. I would drop it, and if it comes up very gently discuss it, without presuming that you're right.

Theunamedcat · 30/09/2021 07:19

Don't discuss it I don't with my daughter I do however point out that there is a reason people fake being transgender and its to get away from there dead name these conversations always end with us agreeing that it's a loophole it needs to be closed

PinkyU · 30/09/2021 07:15

Honestly, just don’t. You won’t be able to have a conversation with her, about this, without coming across as you trying to convince her that you’re right.

She is 13, she’s working through some complex things with a still maturing mind. If you don’t tread VERY carefully you may find yourself alienated from your child/ren.

Let her figure this out for now, be open to listening to her, not debating or challenging her. You can let her know that you disagree with her stance but that her opinion is valid and you respect her journey on forming her thoughts on it. Then don’t bring it back up unless she does and if/when she does - listen -.

That’s how you keep the lines of communication open and keep a level of respect happening.