Husband thinks I'm transphobic

if your life partner who is probably the person who knows you best thinks you are transphobic, have a think about whether he may be right

Personally id go with

if you, who is probably the person who knows you best, don’t think you are transphobic, you are probably right

Ask him if he would have sex with a transwoman and if not why not? If he says he wouldn't, ask him why you should accept transwomen into your spaces as 'real women' when he wouldn't accept a transwoman as a real woman.

Yeah, yeah, my DH thought I was transphobic AND making a fuss over nothing AND 'dragging unlikely things into the conversation' right up until our young relative had a double mastectomy.

I asked him if he really believed that particular teenager to be a man. He said, 'God no. Of course not.'

I recommend reading this.

uncommongroundmedia.com/how-i-became-a-trans-rights-activist-then-turned-gender-critical/

Also - for a lot of people who define themselves as liberal, they are still very influenced by the media that they are reading. It can be quite shocking to them when someone they thought was on the same page seems to have views they are being told are deeply bigoted, and it's quite upsetting to them. Typically it also means they are only seeing half the story too as their media won't report anything really suspect and tends to avoid stating the more pernicious parts of the ideology.

And it can be surprisingly difficult to get some to see their trusted sources aren't as reliable as they imagined.

He said that it's wrong to mistrust all men, and if he said that he mistrusted all women I'd accuse him of misogyny.

I think a lot of people struggle with this to be honest. For example, if we knew that poor people were a lot more likely to steal, we would still
be uncomfortable with saying things like, say poor people are more often thieves, and we would think it was wrong to bar poor people from shops, or to follow them around.

In some ways sex segregation for certain things in a little unique. It's true on the one hand that sex segregation in some things is a pretty efficient way to guard against certain types of sex crime. And it's not unfair, men have their own changing areas and hospital wards, and aren't worse off for that.

But there are other elements - one is just that sex is a very powerful and basic drive in almost all human beings. And not all sex crimes are about weird evil people hatching nefarious plans - they can often be opportunistic, something the person might not have really thought about doing, lots of people have pretty poor impulse control. You prevent all kinds of socially unacceptable things and avoid a lot of social problems by just not making that an issue.

But also, it's not the full story to say it's all about risk. Most of us do not want to be changing or living in a room even with opposite sex people we know and know to be safe. It's awkward among adults, in good part because we are aware of the implications of nakedness and sex and attractions. Can you imagine the teen boy expected to change with the teen girl he has a crush on? Would it make him a sex offender if he was tempted to peek, or think about her nakedness? It would be pretty natural actually - why put him in that position?

Anything that applies to opposite sex people still applies when you are talking about self-id. Some would argue if you are talking about fully surgically transitioned gay males a lot of those issues are not so significant, but in any case the trans lobby does not want that gatekeeping so it doesn't come into it.

OP, it seems to me that your husband needs to define more clearly his thinking about sex segregation.

He has no skin in the game so his opinion is worthless.

If your life partner who is probably the person who knows you best thinks you are transphobic, have a think about whether he may be right. There is a perfectly respectable stance where, for instance, you don't accept self-identification but you do accept that people with GRCs who have had surgery are entitled to toleration.

My DH was in the 'be kind' category a couple of years ago, then a 'maybe it isn't great but isn't it really important' group.
Now he is firmly in the 'wtf is going on, it is really wrong and unsafe' group.

I didn't argue with him, I just kept reading out Karen White stories, JKR threats etc as they happened.

Eventually he worked it out for himself.

He disagreed with Laurel Hubbard competing against women. I thought I was getting somewhere with that argument, but it seems that I wasn't.

He's a bloody idiot then. IF TWAW, LH has as much right to compete against women as every other women. If he can't account for this discrepancy then I'd worry that he's losing his mental faculties TBH.

My Dh is naturally deeply suspicious and cynical of men generally and their motives and Instinctively supports women so he is automatically GC.

Plus he was livid when our “girls only” boundary for hosting foreign students was trampled over by a lad in eye shadow who shared a room (in our house) with his female classmate. Dh wanted a written statement from the girls parents that they weren’t going to sue us. Put us in breach of the single sex only for under 16 rule. Dh was furious

My OH was not a TWAW but was oblivious to the actual issues here. What helped get him on board was to show him pictures of TW wrestling with women (sport), TW weight lifters, articles about TW getting a 'female only' women's refuge job and articles about TW being locked in a cell with females in prison. Talking about current discrimination (e.g. crash test dummies being 'male' - thereby making crashes more dangerous for women) helped too as he could see that using language which obscures these facts means we won't try and fix them. Once he saw what was actually really happening, he was appalled and (appropriately) worried about what this could mean for our DD. It may be that your DH is not bothered about female rights but my guess would be that it's more likely that he just hasn't bothered to really think through what's actually happening.

He did say that it's obviously not "normal" men who become trans women!

So he’s a misogynist and a transphobe then? How does he feel about gay men? Should they keep out of the men’s toilets because they’re not ‘real men’? His statement shows what he really thinks: he sees men as superior to women, and any male not being ‘manly’ enough clearly belongs with the women as lesser humans 🙄

I’d ask him why men like him can’t widen the bandwidth of what it means to be male. He clearly thinks a woman is some kind of inferior non-man that anyone can be.

Start identifying as a man, OP. Tell your husband that he should now consider himself in a homosexual relationship and to be a gay man himself - in fact always has been. Tell him you'll soon be taking T, growing a beard and having your breasts removed. Tell him if he rejects you or his new status, he is a transphobe. Tell all your friends. See how he enjoys that.

It must be so disappointing, op. My OH is interested in sports. I think this is where he sees the very strange way things have been allowed to go against women.

I think he may be a little prescient too. I showed him the races that the two athletes with XY DSD won in the Belgian Diamond women's races. He said one of them looked like they were holding back and then zoomed past the women competitors towards the line. He said it looked like their coach had said not to break any records on the first go. For the optics. I now see that one of the athletes has broken a record in a race in Zagreb.

Records marked as women's; which may be impossible for women's bodies to achieve.

Things is a lot of the argument here is lumping all transform in one category of potentially abusive . I think it’s valid and fair to consider that many trans folk are safe and aware of how to conduct themselves respectfully as any other human should

No one sees all trans 'folk' as potential abusers.

With safeguarding, we know that there can be NO group that should be put above suspicion.
In order to protect women (females) and children, we must keep all adult males out of female only spaces.

The massive increase in sex offenders now saying they are trans shows how easily gender identity ideology can be exploited.the evidence is there. How can we have exemptions for a few males when the only requirement for claiming a trans identity is their word? The only option they want is the complete removal of all female protections in law to accommodate them. No.

Pretending that males who claim a 'gender identity' are all sweet and harmless and vulnerable is at best naivity and at worst stupidity. Males commit almost all sex related crimes against mostly female victims. No change of identity changes these stats.

Removing basic safeguarding measures in case it causes some males hurt feelings is absurd.

One of the rules of misogyny there, the worst thing about male violence is that it makes males look bad 😒

Also OP I'm afraid this has been picked up by the usual activists on twitter applauding your husband and slagging us all off 🙄

Things is a lot of the argument here is lumping all transform in one category of potentially abusive

Males as a sex class, however they identify, are more likely to be potentially abusive. That is why safeguarding procedures like single sex spaces are in place. Arguing that TWAW are literally women removes those safeguards. That's not prejudice - that's evidence and facts.

Women aren't prepared to be collateral damage.

The issue is its either single-sex or it isn't. You can't opt-out. Gay people arent expected to change with the opposite sex?

This is about the fact of male people posing more risk to women and invading our spaces where we have a right to expect privacy and dignity, and to centre our own needs. What's wrong with saying no?

Things is a lot of the argument here is lumping all transform in one category of potentially abusive . I think it’s valid and fair to consider that many trans folk are safe and aware of how to conduct themselves respectfully as any other human should.
This is a weird thread. Lots of prejudice and not much balanced discussion. Which just perpetuates division, misunderstanding and cruelty.

I’m going down in flames for my comment - but come on ..anyone prepared to see a different way to discuss or think ?

If OP's husband believes that TWAW then they would be a subset of woman to hold a preference on, just as short/brown hair etc

That's exactly the point. And many TRAs maintain that rejecting all MTF trans people would be transphobic because they are women like any other women, so you wouldn't be allowed that "preference" for female bodies.

The point is that it is highly likely he doesn't actually believe they are women and that some women have penises and testicles, he's just virtue signalling and posturing.

Ach, he doesn't think TWAW any more than you do!
"He said that it's wrong to mistrust all MEN'
'Not normal 'MEN' obviously' comment.
Disagreement with Laurel Hubbard rocking up at the Olympics.

He thinks TW are kind of 'not men' and sees women as 'not men' too - therefore we all being in one big shitty bucket of not being men together.
Also he's taking offence at the fact that while (sigh) it's not all men, but it is overwhelmingly usually men, who commit the rapes, abuse and violent crime and that's led to safeguarding. And that's not fair (stamps foot, pouts).

Boo fucking hoo.
I think Id find this misogyny more insulting than my DH genuinely thinking transwomen were actually women.