Husband thinks I'm transphobic

I would suggest to him that it's incredibly important subject for you, and you would like him to do the courtesy of listening to what you have to say, in a non-confrontational manner.

This makes sense.
I am happy to disagree with my partner on things. I'm happy to agree to put a topic to one side. I'm happy to discuss calmly or even a bit heatedly things we both care about and still differ.
He doesn't get to call me names then refuse to discuss though. I'm not sure I could continue a relationship in those circumstances. Then I also don't understand why he's happy staying married to a "bigot" - suggests he may not really believe what he's saying there either.

Reading through your comments OP, it's clear he'll chant TWAW as a mantra but at the same time he knows it's not true:
sexual partners for heterosexuals like him: Not a chance in hell that he would
sport: He disagreed with Laurel Hubbard competing against women
heresy: He did say that it's obviously not "normal" men who become trans women!

In fact, if you were to tot up the "transphobia points", it's might actually be him who's the "transphobe".

When you discuss this issue with him, you're exposing him to things that make him experience the cognitive dissonance between what he knows he must believe, TWAW, and what reality tells him, eg his own sexual orientation. He experiences this as "someone is making him feel transphobic". But because he knows he's not transphobic he needs to project this internal feeling of transphobia onto an external source. Since you're responisble for making him feel there's "transphobia" in the air when there's a discussion, rather than exploring what this might actually mean, he takes the easy way out by declaring you to be "transphobic".

OP you have my sympathy, of all the people not to get it, your own partner would be very difficult. I wouldn't bother trying to explain it to him, why make life difficult for yourself? He will be carried along with the rising tide of awareness in the mainstream, like everyone else. Maybe that will happen before you lose all respect for him ( especially if he is calling you names like "transphobic"). I hope you've got people you CAN talk to about this subject sensibly, because that helps.

OP, just remembering that my own DH, years ago when I started looking into all the gender issues first thought I had fallen down a rabbit hole, thought it was all nonsense, then became a bit angry at me, shortly before he realised the issue and implications. I can't remember the turning point for him, might have been Keira Bell's case. But I saw realisation dawn on his face.

He is now very firmly gc.

I think cognitive dissonance builds gradually, and sometimes people can lash out and get angry because they know that something isn't adding up. He might be getting more defensive because he knows that his position isn't really tenable.

So he knows old mother Hubbard is really a bloke then. His resistance is crumbling but he hasn't realised it yet. Maybe avoid the subject just to keep the peace? Let reality work its subtle magic on these lads.

It's very telling he wouldn't even consider dating a transwoman. Another man willing to trample over our right to preferences and safety by saying TWAW but willing to make an exception for himself.

[quote plesiosaurus]@FFSFFSFFS No, he wouldn't do that. He would consider it unacceptable. Which is why I can't understand why he doesn't see it as unacceptable for an intact trans woman to do the same. [/quote]
Maybe explain to him, that it's not necessary trans women that women are nervous of, its the loophole that will allow men access to women and girls in potentially compromising situations. Surely he can at least see that....

[quote plesiosaurus]@NonnyMouse1337 That seems a sensible route to take. He did say that it's obviously not "normal" men who become trans women![/quote]
I think this is telling. Sounds liks he doesn’t really think they’re women. His conscious mind wants to classify them as non-men and thus women, by default.

And his NAMALT reaction tells you the other half of the story. Despite all his efforts, his unconscious mind knows perfectly well they are men (even if the very idea horrifies him) and thus more important. They are non-men men though, and “not normal” so he definitely shouldn’t have to put up with them in his space, thus you must accept them in yours. The good news is, he doesn’t really believe you’re transphobic. He believes your rejection of any man from your space indicates misandry, which is presumably an indication that you secretly hate him, as well as all other men. And that is the ultimate offence, because he sees men as more important.

Not sure how I’d cope with him really.

I mean why bother though.

All the men I know that have raised this thinks it's outrageous and dangerous for women.

If a man doesn't think God that's awful to opening up all single sex stuff to males on the basis of their invisible feelings then he's a dick.

Sorry OP.

Well if you can be bothered

Things like

A female colleague he's known for years and socialised with a fair bit comes out as transgender. Email from HR on name change. Few days later they come in while he's at the urinal. He's totally comfy with that?

In pub and a young woman goes into bog. Someone he assumed to be male watches her go past and then gets up and follows her in. Oh they must be trans! No problem then.

The UN can fuck right off with that rapey bullshit.

he sees trans people and women as 'non-men' and therefore something less so he can lump them all into the same group. Its funny how these progressive types are really quite regressive when it comes down to it.

well said.

Snowdrop30

I think different couples have different levels of being able to tolerate significant differences in values. It is up to the OP to work out if she can tolerate her partner telling her she is transphobic etc.

I found this UN poster on a UN twitter account. Be interesting to see if he agrees.

As LaetitiaASD suggests - 100% tell him you are now a gay couple. He will obviously be totally onboard with it - as TMAM just as TWAW.

Isn't it ok to agree to disagree? People can be married to people who vote differently, have different faiths and so on.

And one more thing. "TWAW, be nice" is actually "TWA literally in every way W and all sex-based protections need to be removed because women with penises say so."

Also does he realise how many "old school transsexuals" would agree with you that he is wrong?

I would be sorely tempted to also accuse him of being gay because you became a trans man overnight. Maybe refer him to Lisa Michele on youtube ()

As far as I can see everyone is GC and deeply transphobic to the point that you literally murder TWs with your words, or are "all-in" with a pro-trans agenda.

I think OP needs to know that he needs to agree with all of the below in order to be on the side he thinks he is -

(1) Chromosomes and body parts (ie sex) have literally NOTHING to do with whether you are a man or woman.

(2) Having a sexual orientation is transphobic. It is literally impossible to be heterosexual or gay without being transphobic.

(3) Sex-based rights do not exist, all rights are either universal or based on gender, and gender is 100% in the mind of the individual and can change at any time.

Tell your DD and DH that you have decided to be a man. This is all based on hideous gender norms - so don't cook, don't do housework, don't do washing, don't do present buying. Don't do kind. Don't do anything that TW think makes them suddenly female. When you are out with your husband, insist on using the mens. Tell him you are changing all your bills/banking to Mr&Mr ........ and they will have to accept that a TMAM And yes - I am fuming about poor Marion and had a couple of glasses of red. Until people start to see the reality of this, there will always be the liberal 'be kind' shite who think they are so progressive and cool.

Bless him, he sounds deeply confused.

He thinks transwomen are women, but disagrees that Laurel Hubard should compete with women.

He thinks that inact transwomen should have free access to every private female space but that it would be unnacceptable for men to do the same and that trans people are not 'normal'

Frm his attitude to women feeling wary around men they don't know I think a lot of it comes from chauvenism rather than needing to be kind. You see it quite often in lots of men who claim TWAW and call women T**Fs and worse.

Rather than being kind he sees trans people and women as 'non-men' and therefore something less so he can lump them all into the same group. Its funny how these progressive types are really quite regressive when it comes down to it.

Personally, I would ask questions based around his DD.

My DH was always a bit wtf about it all but upon hearing his teenage DD might have to share a room with a boy declaring themselves trans or spar against a post puberty male in martial arts competitions, was completely peaked.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee

Exactly