The use of the term 'trans widow'

Tinsel
Prawn

I can see why transactivists dislike the reminder that they've hurt people - but it's not really their place to tell those people how to express their pain.

This!

What about the spiders? Are they allowed the word widow. Because they are called this even if they haven't killed any other spiders.

My apologies chickeny I misread your post about the names and totally missed the irony . I have contacted HQ.to retract my report. Sorry senior moment.

We don't have nearly enough words to describe ambiguous loss or grief - that loss that occurs without closure or clear understanding. The kind of loss that leaves a person searching for answers, and thus complicates and delays the process of grieving, and often results in unresolved grief.

The last time you saw someone who goes missing; the death of a friend by suicide; a mother with dementia who doesn't know who you are any more; a realisation that you may never bear a child; a much loved person who breaks contact with the family; a life changing accident; a husband or child who comes out as trans which calls into question not only their past but yours too.

to all affected by ambiguous loss

@chickenyhead’s point was clear, and well made.

Apologies chickeny. I must have misread one of your posts as I thought you were a trans widow too. I did know your posts were supportive, however.

Thank you, keep being you

I'm lucky not to be a trans widow, but I have read the threads and cried some.

I was trying, unsuccessfully, to point out that even in these circumstances, women aren't allowed to choose a name to describe the utter devastation of their former husbands and lives ceasing to exist. It is grief which makes a lie out of lives shared to that point.

No offence intended. It just seems a little late in the day to object to the word. It is now universally understood.

I know the journey isn't easy for anyone, but I believe that it is

I thought chickeny was being ironic

I also thought Chickeny was making a supportive point rather than a negative one.

I'm confused too Helleofabore. I was under the impression that chickeny is a trans widow.

I said “possibly” and it was a collective ‘you.’ Perhaps I should have said ‘one.’

My opinion is that the OP has acted in good faith, especially based on subsequent posts. OP seems to want a conversation.

Either way, I’ve read pretty much ALL the threads here for seven years (including the trans widow threads), rarely contribute because I am always learning and don’t have anything to add that hasn’t been said better by others.

Many say they want a conversation. I believe it’s important to have the conversation with each other as well as the opposition.

I'm very sorry that a woman who is clearly in the throes of very raw, painful grief is dealing with that by attacking other women. It doesn't seem like a very healthy way of coping with those feelings.

OP - I find your posts rather disingenuous. Like you, I have no skin in the game and I wouldn't dream of telling other women how to name their experiences.

By the way, two words combined in such a way as to make a new word is known as a portmanteau. While trans widows isn't actually a portmanteau, I'm surprised Rachel doesn't recognise that, being an academic.

For tinselangel, the other trans widows and widows on this thread

prawn I'm so sorry you lost your beloved husband. That was a beautiful tribute.

Another widow here. I'm happy for women to use the term trans widow.

I saw this on Twitter earlier.

I honestly don't get how 'dead name' is OK then.....?!

But I had a question, and I posted it in the area of the site that questions like this are apparently allowed, and now I'm being told I'm a dickhead for doing so.

Op, you didn't ask a question, you just said that you found the term transwidows in poor taste, ever since you heard it.

You would have stopped finding it in poor taste, had you read anything about it before starting a thread.

Often, the person concerned will not just change their passport and driving license, but also their birth certificate. Re-writing their entire life, and expecting their wife or partner, and children, to accept their own lives being re-written as well. It's nothing like being incompatible in the normal course of a marriage.

It's changing the person entirely.

If you read any of the transwidows stories, you will see that bereaved is exactly the way these women have felt.

It's not drama, it's not hyperbole. It simply is.

And, actually the name is completely immaterial. It's the very fact that these women are getting their voices heard that is unacceptable.

They show exactly what it's like, at the coalface, and it's a lot more grim than people are led to believe.

I have reported chickeny

Well, if MN wont move Transwidows support thread to chat, we lot had better do a very good job of ensuring harassment doesn't occur and it will be the one occasion where I do report.

Absolutely, right behind you on that. I will robustly defend this space and those who need it, and I’m really not fussed about how many people I might offend in the process. They can go elsewhere, since there are many other corners where they can hang out.

And to you too. Again, I’m sorry for your loss.

@PrawnofthePatriarchy

That’s a truly beautiful, empathetic and compassionate post. I’m sorry you lost your husband.