Is #bekind unkind?

It's a repulsive, potentially dangerous platitude (especially when used to children as it can't but make them vulnerable to predatory adults).

Its implicit meaning is 'roll over and capitulate'. #BeKind to everyone else who will not #BeKind to you, and to hell with your own safety, dignity and comfort.

Fuck that noise.

I have the same concerns @Tibtom, a very vulnerable girl who really needs to be able to say “no” in whatever form that takes, #bekind is a disaster for her because her natural instinct is to please others, teaching her to stand her ground is very tricky.

We call it #bekindtoME

IMO the concept of kindness is a bit to wishy washy to be of any use as an overall philosophy. I’ve just googled it “the quality of being friendly, generous and considerate” apparently.

I think being respectful and being genuine are both better aims.

It's not being kind to your DS to force him to lie - it's compelled speech.

Whenever anyone tells me I'm not being kind these days I usually say 'I am, I'm being kind to myself' because that's usually true.

Usually 'be kind' means 'women, sacrifice yourself for others'. I don't know anyone who is deliberately cruel when it would cost them nothing to be kind (I'm sure these people exist, but think they're in the minority).

Be kind is a form of bullying, I've concluded.

Your son is being kind by saying something he doesn't believe to be true already. It is really sinister the school are not supporting his right to believe the truth. I do understand the temptation to just do whatever will calm things down fastest - for the teacher and your DS - but the teacher is the responsible adult and should see the longer term consequences of this.

The other day my youngest DC (preschool) was having a tantrum because they wanted something older DC had. DH was indicating to older DC that they should maybe just give it up (it was an insignificant thing) and I said no, because even if we replaced it for older DC, that's giving younger DC the idea that it's ok for them to tantrum to get what they want and just demand older DC to give things up. That they are more important. In the short term, even older DC was wavering because everyone wanted younger DC to just shut up, frankly, but I bet we'll have fewer tantrums as a result of not giving in on this occasion.

By telling your DS off it's implicitly saying that the other child has the right to act as thought police for the other children and that is NOT ok. As far as I can tell your son had DONE nothing wrong, used preferred pronouns etc. I really think it's a slippery slope and while I appreciate your DS's point of view, he's a child. He can't be expected to make these sorts of decisions and is unlikely to see the long term consequences.

I think I'd be raising this in an email so it's on record.

God these kids are going to grow up so confused, with the amount of double think they are forced into. Sympathies with you, OP. I think in your situation I'd probably be having stern words with the school.

I firmly object to the 'be kind' message and for it to be taught in school is a safeguarding fail in my book. My child is vulnerable and open to suggestion as many others are so 'be kind' puts them in harms way. Should they be kind to a stranger who asks them to help carry something to their car or is it still 'stranger danger'? should they be kind and take the blame for something they didn't do? Should they be and alliw a boy to have sex with them? Should they be kind and look after a package of drugs in case someone else gets into trouble? Should they be kind and let someone use their phone for shari g stuff/buy them lunch everyday/copu their homework?

the other kid didn't believe that my sonbelievedthey are actually a boy. And so my son was told off for not believing that a kid he has known since nursery has magically changed sex

My son's classroom situation was interesting. It seems that he and the teacher both knew the quickest way of dealing with the situation was for her to tell him off for using his eyes and for him to take that on the chin. There was no punishment - it was just to de-escalate the other child's complaint

There is no way I would let that stand. That teacher should not have told your son off to appease the other child. No one can change sex and no one can be forced to pretend otherwise.

'Be kind' is a load of bollocks that is usually said to women and girls as a way to remove their boundaries.

My view is that "kindness" as a concept is too vague to be meaningful. My key issue is this:

Boundaries are important and there is nothing wrong with making them clear and enforcing them.

Setting and maintaining your personal boundaries is always going to necessitate some hard conversations and conflict. The key is how we navigate conflict with respect for each others' humanity and personal boundaries. Part of this is a recognition that we can ONLY influence our own thoughts and feelings. Never another's. So in that sense personal "boundaries" are limited. My boundaries can't compel anything from you. So for the example in the OP - the person "at fault" is the one compelling a belief in another and the adult not helping them see that there is a limit to what they can expect.

It's also why clarity in legal and policy boundaries is so important. This intolerable situation when law and policy makers are fudging the language of these "boundaries" renders them meaningless and is fuelling the discord.

I've been amazed throughout all this by the way this 'affirmation' runs so counter to the 'Cognitive Behaviour Therapy' approach

Quite a few therapists have made this observation. A couple interviewed here:

I'm glad that your son wasn't upset by the incident, but I think it is completely wrong that he was told off at all. He was being 'kind' - he was using the name and pronouns that the other young person wanted him to.

Being told off because a classmate doesn't think he really believes they have changed sex is really worrying. He's allowed to have that belief. The teacher should have pointed out that people believe different things and that politeness towards other students is required but conformity of thought isn't.

Hmm, if a teacher was telling my child to lie, I would be requesting a polite discussion with that teacher. And then escalating it if necessary.
As for mollifying the other, upset spoiled brat - words fail me

I make sure my children know that it is kind to use the new name, and pronoun if strictly necessary (ie mostly you don't need to, the name will be enough) but that they never have to believe the person has changed sex. Get your son to read 1984, this is what we are living in.

I have no sympathy for Hubbard. Regardless of IOC ruling he chose to do this. To cause havoc to a women's sport, to shatter the dreams of numerous young women by taking their places, their medals and their opportunity.

As recently as the 1990s it was legal to rape your wife. I have no sympathy for those men either, for the pain they caused just because at the time they had the law on their side.

Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should.

anyone else of the opinion that the #bekind rule only applies to females?

i dont recall seeing shops stocking t-shirts with that slogan on for boys - only girls

If as a teenager someone was trying to compel my thoughts after I was using correct name & pronouns I'd have probably pushed back with using whatever pronouns I fancied & ending up not "being kind".
Nowadays I'd hope I'd have a bit more reasoned debate... But I'd probably just say oh fuck off.

Laurel previously competed in the male Olympics & knows full well how sports are sex-segregated. Something the IOC appear to have forgotten in favour of gender.

If anyone is threatening violence or wishing harm to them then this is obviously unacceptable.

Hubbard is a grown man of course he is at fault.

#BeKind is only ever one directional.

I don't think Hubbard is to blame, as such. This has been facilitated by people that should know better and we should never be where we are now.

Indeed, it seems that women are most definitely not allowed to say "no".

Surely anyone who is a parent knows that saying "no" is a kindness in many situations. Boundaries are important and there is nothing wrong with making them clear and enforcing them.