Is #bekind unkind?

I was kind.

I won’t make that mistake again.

Google's ngram viewer shows that "be kind" was high in the 1860s, then steadily dropped until about the 1990s. Its usage has really taken off since 2000. It is interesting to search for sayings containing the phrase. I wonder if there are any academic papers on the subject? It seems to have been promoted as a virtue above all others. "Be kind" has been weaponized and it now seems to mean be a doormat. We have seen it often as an admonishment on these boards, because it is particularly effective against women. I am glad to see the push back in this thread.

Maybe the upside of these TW competing in females sports will be increased interest , more viewers and thus more sponsorship into the sports.

#bekind is a truly terrible message, it opens the door to exploitation of vulnerable people and is a safeguarding issue.

Boundaries are important and there is nothing wrong with making them clear and enforcing them.

I'd go as far as saying boundaries are essential for self esteem, self respect and respect of others. Lack of boundaries often leads to painfully dysfunctional relationships.

Knowing where you end and someone else begins is important for well-being, it allows us to ask for help without having unrealistic expectations of others.

The Hubbard thing is insane. By allowing H to participate in women's sport, the IOC, and Hubbard are being UNKIND to women and girls the world over. If I were a girl who was interested in weightlifting and saw this, I'd give up, I would. What's the point?
Not to mention to the individual woman denied a place.

DH could probably compete at olympic level in some women's sports. What about being kind to him - it would literally be the only way he could ever compete in elite sport.

Be kind only ever goes one way in this debate.

OP, it's up to you - I really understand about the shitty year etc, but if I were you I'd perhaps just send a gentle email saying you understand why they did what they did in the moment but that going forward you'd prefer this approach not be taken as it so clearly is NOT kind to your DS or anyone, really. Denying reality isn't kind.

Your son sounds brilliantly mature and as though he has a wonderful grasp on reality. Well done OP!

That wasn't sarcastic, in case it sounded sarcastic!!

My son's take on his classmate is that they are attention seeking and the more drama they can generate the happier they are. He doesn't want to be dragged into the drama vortex that follows this kid around, especially at the end of term, and I think he has made a good case for ignoring this one incident.

He sounds very wise, and aware of his own tolerance levels at the end of a difficult year. In your shoes I’d let this one drop but keep a note if it invade you do need to tackle it again next term. I also think it’s important, where possible, to let older children have some say in your interactions with school, especially as he’ll need to deal with any fall out - like being drawn into unwanted drama.

I’ve made a similar decision about a different issue (bullying in my DS case). Usually I’d be all over it but it just came to light this week and realistically nothing will happen before the end of term and with class changes it may not be an issue next year. If it is, I’ll weigh in then.

I think picking your battles is important, if it was the start of term and likely to continue I’d challenge it but with 2 days to go it feels easier to just watch and wait, for me and my child.

The trans issue aside, "Be kind" was coined by a woman who had recently smashed a lampshade over her sleeping partner's head. Yes, she was troubled. Yes, she needed proper professional help. But also: smashing a lampshade over someone's head (unless it is in self-defence) is abuse.

I know her partner afterwards wanted the CPS to drop the case, many victims of abuse are frightened of the further consequences if the case is NOT dropped (further meltdowns on the part of the abuser, further violence). . . But what message would dropping the case have put out? It's okay to attack someone if you are feeling upset? It's okay to attack someone if you are a well-known television personality?

I can't know for certain what Caroline F meant when she wrote "Be kind" but it sounds like she was saying "I want people to minimize my negative behaviour." And, by extension, the negative behaviour of other people.

I agree with the posters who are saying that this meme is used almost entirely against women. It really has come to mean "Shut up."

Back to something very specific in the OP's post, It's a sad state of affairs when a school class is being held hostage by the unreasonable demands of several children who are control-freaks. (As many very anxious folk are. As many people on the spectrum are. We have some in the family.) Some demands made are unreasonable and should not be enabled. Whoever is making them.

Where does "Be kind", taken at face value, lead? Why not tolerate ANY behaviour? Child abuse? Fascism? Genocide? ("I want to kill people of a different ethnicity. Why shouldn't I? It's very upsetting when you say "No" and criticise me.")

OP, the teacher could have asked your son what he said, then confirmed with the other child that their chosen pronouns had been used and there was no issue, move on.

No one did something wrong to apologise.

Now the other child knows they can manipulate the teacher and control your child. I would email and ask the teacher to describe and explain the apology.

And as to the school... maybe they need reminding of the Maya ruling. Your son has a protected right to believe that the other child hasn't changed sex.

But you're right - there's very little 'kindness' in this sort of appeasement, to either side.

I'm sure there are more than a few TW who could qualify for various women's events, but who don't - out of 'kindness' or maybe just being a rational human being with a basic grasp of fairness.

I despair, I really do.

What sort of lesson is it teaching anyone in that classroom for a teacher to - even performatively - tell someone off for not actually believing the same thing as the child sitting next to them? Or indeed for not doing a convincing enough impression of it?

I don't think it's over dramatic to say that this smacks of religious inquisitions.

An absolute cornerstone of growing up in a free and tolerant society is learning that other people are as entitled to their opinions as you are. Are they allowed to persecute you because of your beliefs? No. But, crucially, the same is true the other way round. Are they allowed to debate those ideas themselves? Absolutely, as are you.

It involves letting go of some of your ego and internalising the fact that other people matter just as much as you do, as well as learning to value yourself as equally important and entitled to a voice as those around you. Some children need more help developing their sense of the latter, some the former.

Both are crucial parts of the development of functional, secure adults, both being undermined by the actions of that teacher. She is doing neither your son not the other children any favours.

Kind is something that at (some/many) times it is OK to stop being. So you should never build a system that relies on it. Saying 'OK kids, we are all going to be kind by NEVER mentioning that X is female' just doesn't work.

Because there will be times when knowing/saying that X is female will be important.

I don't think 'be kind' works on a societal level. It works sometimes on an individual level eg 'be kind to your brother' but 'kind' has within it a notion that the person being kind is being nicer than is strictly necessary. It also sometimes contains the notion that the person who needs kindness is unequal.

When you apply that to large groups of people it doesn't work over a long time period.

You could possibly say 'be kind to the interns on their first day'. But imagine saying 'be kind to the black people in your office'. If there is inequality, you don't counter that by 'kindness' you sort out the inequality.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks 🤣

If Laurel Hubbard were a real woman, she'd be socialised to #bekind to the woman she stole a place in the Olympics from. Laurel Hubbard is a cheat. Simple as.

I like Helen Joyce's Twitter bio, which ends "Show me the third gamete, and then we can talk. And no, you be kind"

'Women are always being told to “be kind”.

I'm tempted to have a t-shirt printed with #BeGone.

Women are always being told to “be kind”.

OP, I would contact the teacher regardless of your child’s wish not to make a fuss.
I would calmly point out to the teacher that the right to one’s own beliefs is enshrined in law, and that neither she nor the other child can force your child to parrot beliefs they do not share.
And I would request an apology, and that she makes the legal position clear to both children, and retracts her illegal advice.
Otherwise this destruction of free speech and safe boundaries will continue, to the detriment of the whole class.

This really does make me want to puke.