Really thought provoking article from Meghan Murphy

(Of course now I'm worried I sound like a mean mum who never dishes out praise, but it's not that! Just that I think negative, mistakes, fights etc are part of life and you can't protect your DC from these things 100%)

I remember reading about a study that said the best self-esteem outcomes for kids came from making an effort to achieve something, and people recognising their effort, rather than just being told how great they are. That makes instinctive sense to me. Just being told over and over that you are fantastic does not actually link to a sense of a self and who you are and what you can do.

But I have a lot of friends who do this with their DC all the time, clearly with the intention of building self-esteem. From birth, just saying you're great, you're fab, this is brilliant, and also, no you weren't naughty, you didn't mean to. Like everything has to be positive or else you are damaging your child. But why?

On one memorable occasion a friend's child attacked my child and his mum comforted him and told him he didn't meant to. He screamed "I DID mean to!" It was like he couldn't get her to see him.

Very well said actually. I have 3 dcs and try to drum a lot of that into them. It is extremely hard to push back though.
Small things would really help - like a no cell phone policy in schools. Just that act of stopping for 8 hours in day would be very significant.
I do not know what the answers are but certainly recognise what she is addressing.

The Scottish curriculum tries to teach "resilience" which looks like a good idea on paper, but actually is very annoying because it basically consists of songs and platitudes about how you have to be resilient - but very little about how to actually cope with adversity, how validation and self-esteem work, etc. So it can actually be counterproductive because if you aren't resilient about something you just feel like a stupid loser.

For me an important point is that it's OK to feel knocked back, sad, disappointed, to have a shit day or to be suffering from an adverse event. But you ca come back from it, you can learn skills for accepting difficulties and you can learn from experience that you'll get past it. It's about learning a process, not just a state of mind.

I wouldn't describe it as thought provoking and I'm not sure the powerless victim narrative is unique to young women, it seems quite pervasive in western culture but especially prevalent in younger people.

The "robust ego" she describes is acquired through living; adverse experiences usually providing the most transformative lessons. How do we convince young women that confronting difficulty is the route to confidence when they perceive even the mildest challenge as a gross injustice which makes them feel unsafe.

There are many challenges facing young women today but rather that accept the reality of the world as it actually is and working in constructive ways to change it they seem paralysed with anger that they have been exposed to any hardship in the first place.

We seem very poor at teaching people about boundaries, the demand for external validation is unreasonable and leaves self esteem vulnerable to removal by the very people who gave it. Daily examples of cancel culture are seen as social justice being dispensed rather than a comment on our shared failings as humans and it is never treated as a lesson in humility. People seem unable to make the connection cancel culture and their own anxiety, it's like a fear of falling off the hamster wheel of approval so there is no energy left for the esteemable actions which would make self esteem independently sustainable.

That is a big disjointed ramble but hope some of it makes sense.

Thanks for linking - I like it too! I relate to how she feels too - in having a robust ego and not needing others' validation all the time. And I actually think it's an important skill/state to achieve if you can, and one of the cornerstones of actually being happy.

I think this is a really good point, we should be teaching our girls self worth from a young age and also teaching them that external validation will only last a short time before they are craving more.
We need to teach our girls (all children really) to be resilient, and I don't see many who are.

Thanks for linking - I like it too! I relate to how she feels too - in having a robust ego and not needing others' validation all the time. And I actually think it's an important skill/state to achieve if you can, and one of the cornerstones of actually being happy.

I don't know if I agree that feminism hasn't had anything to offer - through my lifetime (now in my 50s) there has been a lot of feminist work to encourage girls to see themselves as capable, to not be put off any career by sexism - in the last 10-20 years, a lot of efforts in STEM in particular to do this. It's just that it tends to be drowned out by the "empower yourself by posing naked " "feminism" of mainstream media and culture. Feminists have also worked really hard to gain actual safe spaces, refuges for women, recognition of DV, and so on.

What I think is most empowering for girls is being encouraged to pursue what they want to do and what they are good at, having their rights to privacy and power over their own bodies reinforced and protected, being encouraged to be whatever kind of girl they want, whether feminine or not, straight or not, etc.

I think there is always backlash against any feminist gains and genderism is one form that takes, disguised as something progressive. It works against the idea that you could just be a girl who doesn't happen to fit a girly stereotype (or a boy likewise). But that hasn't happened alone - it's happened with the help of a huge societal increase in gender stereotyping via clothes, airbrushing, cosmetic surgery, etc.

And then on top of that there's the whole parenting issue where kids are brought up to feel nothing bad should ever happen to them and they should never have upset feelings - instead of raising children to cope with those things. But I'm not sure where that's come from (though I've seen it at first hand over the years since I've had DC)

In the comments section, a commenter says that self esteem has to be earned. I never thought of it like that before but it makes sense.
I think that parenting advice from when mine were small was that self esteem can be imposed if you just mother right so if your child has low self esteem, it makes you a bad mother. But that takes away autonomy from the child. And the idea that no child is ever naughty takes away the possibility of learning to redeem oneself and make amends. I am rambling but these are the thoughts that essay provokes.

I am not sure how to relate them to feminism yet though. Anyone else?

I think she makes some really interesting points, many that feminists on the board have talked about for a long time.
We are raising a generation of entitled kids, parents who give in because it's easier that dealing with the problem, is all too common starting from when they are babies.

The modern world is fast changing, everyone wants to keep up, no one wants to be seen as the one missing out on latest trends, gadgets etc.. parents provide these things at the drop of a hat, allowing 8 year olds to have smart phones and access to social media "because all their friends are on it and I don't want the be the bad guy" instead of protecting children's innocence and standing firm.

I have too many thoughts on this really I could be here all day🤣